


Always Too Sweet

by dianna44



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barista! Percy, Bisexual Nico, College AU!, Depression, Fluff, Hades is a Bad Parent, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, M/M, Nico the Accidental Eavesdropper, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Recurring Nightmares, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-04-09 13:50:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4351262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Nico didn't even like the coffee there that much. He really didn't. Usually, it was just a bit too sweet and the taste was always kind of off. But it didn't matter how many times he told himself that he should just go to a different café to get his coffee, he never did.</p><p>Of course, the very attractive Percy was not the cause of that.</p><p>Of course he was."</p><p>AU. Nico- a freshman in college who always goes to a certain coffee shop. Percy- a third year in college who works at a certain coffee shop. What could go wrong? Nico x Percy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part I

**Author's Note:**

> soooo I finally decided to put this on AO3!!! yup. there are already ten chapters up on ff.net. really- what sucks is going back and publishing chapters that I wrote like two years ago. I'm having to edit things and making everything into present tense crie. 
> 
> this story is a major WIP, but here's the first chapter haha. 
> 
> also, be prepared. o.O
> 
> also! nico is 19 in the beginning and percy is 21!

Nico didn't even like the coffee there that much. He really didn't. Usually, it was just a bit too sweet and the taste was always kind of off. But it didn't matter how many times he told himself that he should just go to a different café to get his coffee, he never did.

Of course, the very attractive Percy was not the cause of that.

Of course he was.

When Nico came in for the first time a few months ago, just moving to the city for the local college, he just wandered in and there he was.

Now, Nico wasn't gay as much as he was straight. He was in between, varying on different guys and girls but all of them had just been crushes. So when he met Percy for the first time, he knew he had a crush right away.

Percy, in his opinion, was everything he wanted to be. Percy had exactly the right amount of kindness in him, and his looks were just perfect with his sea-green eyes and shaggy bordering-between-black-and-brown hair. He was almost always smiling and he was sociable enough to be considered friendly but not too sociable to be considered annoying.

Of course, this is what Nico has gathered over the few months he's been coming here even though he barely exchanged words with Percy at all…he was too sociably awkward to do that so all he did was thank him for the coffee and sit down to watch him (not too obviously though).

Nico walks in, causing the bell at the top of the door to ring, alerting the staff of his presence. He watches as Percy looks up and gives him a wide smile. Percy automatically goes to work, already having Nico's preferred drink of choice memorized. Nico reaches for his wallet, pulling out the exact change. When Nico arrived at the desk, he smiles shyly at Percy who is grinning at him.

"How are you Nico?" Percy asks. Percy was in his third year of college, while Nico was just a freshman. He was sure Percy looked at Nico as some sort of accomplice-friend person. After all, they only talked in this very café.

"I'm good. You?" Nico asks, trying to limit his words to next to none. Percy's smile widened, making Nico's heart to lurch.

"I'm good too. I'm taking my girlfriend out for a date today and it's been a while since we could hang out so I'm pretty psyched," he informs Nico happily. Nico forces back his flinch.

He knew Percy had a girlfriend. In fact he's met her once when she visited Percy in the shop as a surprise. Nico liked her. Her name was Annabeth and she said exactly what was on her mind and the first thing she ever said to Nico was how much she liked his jacket. He had smiled shyly at her when it happened, unsure of how to respond. He had watched from his usual spot Percy and Annabeth talk and laugh like usual couples do and then she was gone, waving goodbye to the both of them as she walked out.

Nico zones back in on the present, and reminds himself of what Percy had just said.

"Oh that's cool. Hope it's fun," he manages to say. Percy gives him a weird look, but otherwise smiles.

"Here's your usual, Nico di Angelo," Percy says, handing him his coffee.

"Here's the usual amount, Percy Jackson…" Nico mumbles as he hands over the money. Percy gives him a wink and Nico turns quickly before Percy could see him blush.

 _Stupid crushes_ , Nico curses to himself as he grips his coffee before seating himself down.

It was like this every day.

* * *

Percy wasn't at work today.

That was the first thing he notices as he walks through the doors. Nico frowns at the replacement, Luke, who he only ever saw on the days Percy wasn't there, which was on Wednesdays and Saturdays, not Tuesdays. The bell rang, as usual, and Luke looked up.

"Well if it isn't Nico! How you been, man?" Luke calls out. Nico blushes, glancing around wildly, relieved to see no one was even in the café. He hates having the attention on him.

"Oh I'm good. Yeah. I forgot something. I need to go. Sorry," Nico stutters out. Luke grins.

"Nah it's okay. I understand. I'm not Percy so figured you'd say something like that. See you, Nico!" he says.

 _Not Percy? What was he suggesting?!_ Nico exclaims to himself, as he stumbles out of the café. _Did he know something?!_ Nico blushes at the thought, but kept walking.

He can't just go back in and confront Luke about it anyway. He just hopes Percy doesn't know anything.

* * *

The next day, Nico almost walks in before remembering it's Wednesday and that Percy doesn't work on Wednesdays.

Nico sighs to himself and turns to leave, but stops short when he notices Annabeth a ways back, staring at the store with an expression he can't place. Nico starts to panic, not sure if he wants to be seen by Annabeth, but before he can hide himself, Annabeth notices him.

"Nico?" she calls out, running up to him. Nico looks down. Damnit.

"Annabeth?" he asks, trying his best to sound surprised too.

"Hey Nico! What are you doing in here?" Nico sees her smile, but for some reason it was strange. It seems forced, as if she was hiding a sadness of some kind.

"Oh uhm…I just stopped by to get some coffee…and-"

"Is Percy in there?" she asks, peeking over Nico's shoulder. Nico scrunches his nose at her.

Either it was bad of her to not know her boyfriend's schedule or it was bad of him to have it memorized.

He figures it was the latter.

"Oh no, he's off today," he informs her, trying to overcome his awkwardness. Why doesn't she just call him if she wants to see him?

"Ah," she says, looking down at her feet. Nico knew it. Something is not right here.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, trying his best to sound somewhat concerned. He is worried, to be honest, because he's afraid that the reason she's so worried might have been the reason Percy didn't come in yesterday. School is on break now, so he knows it wasn't that. He wants to know why Percy was off yesterday.

"Eh yeah, it's fine. Don't worry about it Nico. Well, see you later!" she says, turning to leave. Before Nico can respond, she was gone from sight, and he sighs, still wanting to know what was going on. Oh well.

 _It's not like it's my business anyway_ , he thinks sourly to himself.

* * *

Nico stands in front of the café door, suddenly feeling very nervous.

Percy should be here today, but he isn't sure what he would do if he wasn't.

Percy, from his experience, only took sick days when it was an emergency, so what could have been going on?

He takes a deep breath, and opens the door, hearing the familiar ping of the bell. His eyes immediately focus on Percy, who is standing there in his usual place, but unlike other days, he looks strange. His hair, which was usually in a shaggy in a good kind of way, now looks messy but not in a good way. He has huge bags under his eyes, but that wasn't the thing that disturbs Nico the most.

It was the fact that Percy isn't smiling, and the fact that Percy did not look up when he walked in.

Nico stands there, completely still and unsure of how to act. Should he just leave? Does he really want his image of "perfect" Percy to disappear in his mind?

Nico shakes his head, determining that that was absolutely ridiculous. Percy can have bad days too.

Nico walks up to the register and it isn't until he is completely in front of Percy did Percy look up. The look in Percy's eyes destroys him.

"Can I have number six please?" Nico asks, numb to how he should act. Percy simply nods, devoid of any emotion.

"Yeah. That'll be $4.50," Percy says.

Nico nods. He knows that. He knows that Percy knows he knows that as well.

He pulls out the amount of money that he pays every day and hands it to Percy hesitantly. Their hands brush and Nico has to contain his shiver.

Percy is not himself. At. All.

Nico stands there, awkwardly, waiting for his coffee. The crappy thing about this café is that it was so unpopular that there was almost no one ever there. Plus, the workers usually ranged from one to three, and right now it seems to be just Percy manning the shop.

Nico doesn't know what to say or how to react to this kind of situation. He is always used to the smiling Percy. The super nice Percy. The Percy that seemed to never have one bad day, but this…this proved all of those Percys wrong.

This Percy seems broken and lost, and Nico doesn't know why.

 _Just the other day he had been so happy about going on his date with Annabeth an_ —Nico stops his thoughts midway. Annabeth! It has to do something with her! She was here the other day with that weird look on her face. Plus, she hasn't been acting like herself either. Did something happen between the two of them?

Before he knew what he was doing, Nico blurts out, "How was your date with Annabeth?" Nico's eyes widen at his nosiness and immediately he shifts his gaze down to the very interesting floor. What he doesn't expect is Percy's response.

"That's none of your damn business Nico," he practically snarls.

Nico, hurt and shocked, simply stares at him. He watches as Percy's face transforms into something that looks like remorse, but as soon as Percy hands him the coffee, Nico fled.

Obviously, Percy only thought of him as an annoying, nosy customer and Nico knows he is.

Anyway, he doesn't have time for this anymore anyway. School was starting soon, so what can he expect to happen?

What he doesn't expect was the single tear that was rolling down his very own cheek and Nico has to almost laugh at how ridiculous that was.

When was the last time he had cried?

Images of Bianca runs through his mind, but he pushes them back.

 _Not now_ , he forces himself to think. Percy's glare enters his mind again and he shivers. He downs the too-sweet coffee, before throwing the cup away.

If only he could throw away his feelings just as easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments and kudos are much appreciated! love you all :)
> 
> -DiAnna44


	2. part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITING SUCKS omg crie esp when all I'm doing is changing everything into present tense like why couldn't I just stick with a tense what's wrong with me seriously I'm going insane. 
> 
> srsly. I'd be able to update a whole lot faster if I wasn't going absolutely crazy from editing ughhHHHHH
> 
> welp. here's the next chapter. anyway. yeah.

College starts again in two days and Nico knows he should start all the homework he was given, but no matter how many times he tells himself to stop thinking of Percy, he just can't stop thinking of the third-year. Percy attends the same college as Nico, but Nico isn't sure if Percy is aware of that fact.

He hopes that he isn't.

Nico sighs as he stares at the television screen. He lives in a two-bedroom apartment and he lives alone. Nico still isn't sure if he's up to living with a roommate or not. He doesn't necessarily like talking to people so much, but he wants _someone_ to talk to and hopefully distract him away from a certain crush. He thought that if someone lived with him then he could stop thinking of Percy so much.

Nico's fingers continue to press the skip button on the remote as he surfs through the channels trying to find something at least _mildly_ interesting.

In the end, he ends up on some show about the Greek and Roman gods. He's always found the aspect of gods interesting. In his mind, multiple gods is more plausible than just _God_ , but he isn't a firm believer of anything really.

He sighs again, knowing that even if he were at the café today, Percy wouldn't be there. He thinks himself as pathetic as he tries to remember what he did before he was introduced to Percy, but his mind came up with nothing.

Nico closes his eyes and leans back into the sofa, wondering about all the "what ifs". He soon falls asleep to the continuous discussion about the gods.

* * *

"Welcome back class. I hope you had a good winter break because I'm about to give you a lot more work," Paul Blofis says as he settles into his chair. Nico mentally groans and physically sends him a glare. Of course, he doesn't notice him since he sits in the very back, _literally._ Besides, not many people notice him anyway. Nico has made sure of that on his very first day here by ignoring everyone.

He does his work and he answers questions when asked, but as to friends and social clubs, there were next to none in his mind. Paul Blofis teaches Literature and Sciences, which doesn't equate in Nico's mind but whatever, it weren't his classes anyway.

Nico still doesn't know what he wants to major in.

In fact, one of the only reasons he is actually attending a college is to escape home.

Every since…Bianca…life at home has been pretty rough, but before Nico's thoughts can become too clouded, he forces them back down. He doesn't need to think about Bianca right now, or his family.

The class seems to go by quickly; some students fall asleep and others answer every question, but Nico doesn't say a word. It's not like he really cares all that much anyway.

When class is dismissed, Nico gathers the few items he has and heads to the library. He has the next class off, and his time at the library is when he gets to study and do the work he never does at home.

The walk to the library is fairly short from Literature, so when Nico arrives, the next class hasn't even begun yet. He looks around, noticing the students who were furiously typing on the computer and those buying coffee, and smiles. The library is always like this, which Nico's grateful for.

It's one of the only places that doesn't really change.

He starts toward his seat in the very back corner, but freezes in place when he sees who was in front of him.

Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase, were standing right by his table, and were having, what looked like, a heated discussion. Nico stands there, confused and freaked out, but before they can turn and see him, he dashes behind a bookcase.

He debates leaving, but where would he go? This entire class period he spent in the library and the library only, and why is this the first time he's seen them in here anyway? He eventually decides that he's just going to stay and wait until they leave because surely they have class, right?

He can hear Annabeth speaking and tries not being interested in their conversation, but he can't help it. Hell, it seems like Nico can barely help anything lately.

"Percy, we need to talk about this," Annabeth insists.

"Please, don't." Nico hears Percy plead.

" _Percy_ ," Annabeth says. Nico knows he shouldn't be listening but he was concerned, despite the fact whether it's his business or not.

"Stop, Annabeth. I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Percy says. Nico frowns, still curious beyond belief what was going on.

"Okay," Annabeth agrees. "Okay fine. I'm leaving. Bye." Nico dashes more into the dark as Annabeth passes by in a flurry. Nico watches her leave, wondering what Percy is thinking right now and also what the hell is going on.

Nico peeks around the corner of the bookshelf to see Percy sitting down, with his head in his arms, looking absolutely miserable.

This is one of those moments Nico had no idea about what he should do. However, before Nico can figure out what he _was_ going to do, Percy's gaze had fallen upon him.

"Nico?" Percy asks, frowning a bit. Nico freezes and seriously considers just running away, but he knows that would probably be considered kind of weird.

Plus, running isn't allowed in the library.

Nico brings up his right hand and gives it a weird jerky movement, which is supposed to be considered a wave.

"Oh hey, Percy," Nico says, acting completely surprised to see him here. Percy just stares at him so Nico continues to blab on. "Sorry. man if I was interrupting you or anything. I come in here this period since I have it off and all and—" He was cut off by Percy's abrupt laughter.

"I guess you heard that, right?" Percy asks, still laughing without a trace of humor in his voice.

"What?" Nico plays the innocent card. There was no way in hell he is going to be caught eavesdropping, _especially_ on the third years.

"It's okay if you did. I don't really care anyway…." Percy says. Nico only stands there, awkward about this entire situation. Well, what is he supposed to do now?

"Oh…well…uhm…do you want coffee?" Nico asks suddenly as his gaze grabs hold of a student downing a cappuccino.

"What?" Percy asks.

"Oh. Well, do you want some coffee?" Nico asks again, completely embarrassed. Nico watches with covered horror as Percy purses his lips, debating on what he should do.

"Sure, but I'll pay," he says, standing up and heading towards the coffee machine. Nico stands, still rooted to the ground, deciding to wait until he gets back, but Percy had other plans. "Are you coming or not?" he asks, cracking a smile.

"Uhm...where are we going?" Nico's referring to the fact that Percy looks as if he was just ready to leave the library altogether rather than buy from the coffee machine.

"Oh, well, the coffee here is pretty good, but there's this pretty good café like right across the school. Of course it's not _our_ wonderful café, but it's still pretty good. I promise," he says.

"Oh," was all Nico manages to say.

And so they were off.

* * *

"What do you want?" Percy asks, managing a small glance toward Nico, who is staring at the order choices intently simply because he knows that if he looks at Percy then he would probably start to hyperventilate.

"Don't care," Nico quickly mutters, still avoiding Percy's gaze.

This is starting to feel too much like a date and yes, even though Nico likes that fact, he doesn't want it to be a one-sided date. Percy's lips tug upwards, causing a dimple to show and Nico curses himself for falling into the temptation of peeking a glance at the cute boy, much less his godly lips.

"Same as always?" Percy teases. "How's a mocha frap sound? Like I said, I'll pay. You got me out of there anyway."

Nico ignores his last bit, not wanting it to be awkward. "No, it's okay. I can pay," Nico insists. No matter how much he _did_ like the fact this is starting to seem like a date, he can't allow this to be considered any more like a date if he wants to remain calm.

Percy looks at him, but before he could insist that he could pay, Nico is already ordering and paying. Percy just shakes his head, an amused smile on his face, as he orders and pays too.

"Okay then," Percy mumbles. Nico notices that Percy's still smiling and he's glad. He still doesn't know what's going on, but it isn't his business anyway, right? Nico purses his lips realizing that his acceptance of the fact of not knowing did not lessen his curiosity at all.

They seat themselves down at a table by the window and sit across from each other. Silence ensues, and despite the fact that Nico is burning with questions, he doesn't say a word. It's Percy who finally breaks the silence.

"So, you go to my college?" he asks. Nico avoids flinching at the blunt revelation.

"Yeah. I'm a freshman," he informs Percy. Percy smiles again.

"I could tell," he says. Nico instantly straightens.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" he exclaims.

"Oh...nothing," Percy says coyly. Nico frowns at Percy's teasing tone, but before he can react he remembers Percy's "bad mood" as he called it. Nico remembers that he was caught eavesdropping and he can feel a blush starting to creep up so before Percy realizes that he's slowly turning red, he brings his hand up to his face and slaps himself.

"What the hell?" Percy jumps up, apparently startled by Nico's sudden, abusive action.

"Oh. Sorry. It's just something I do when...I get impatient," Nico lies, nothing short of lame. Percy raises his eyebrows but doesn't comment and all the while Nico's mentally cursing himself for saying something so utterly stupid. Another awkward silence arises between the pair of them, and once again it's Percy who breaks it.

"I guess you want to know what happened, right?" he asks.

"What? Oh no...it's okay. It's not my business anyway..." Nico stutters out.

"Well, you were already eavesdropping so what's the harm? Plus, it's not like what happened is really that important to you anyway. I'm guessing human curiosity, right?" Nico starts to shake his head, but realizes that that excuse was perfect rather than the real truth, which was that he's just so concerned about Percy he wants to know how to help, to maybe, just maybe, further his relationship with him. So, he nods. Percy starts to smile but it soon fell, for reasons Nico can not determine. Percy seems to be internally struggling, so Nico decides to help him.

"You don't have to tell me," he says.

"My mom's in a coma," Percy blurts out before he can even register what Nico had said.

_Wait...what?_

Before Nico can offer any words, Percy continues to speak.

"I found out days ago and I went off the deep end for a day or two. Annabeth tried to cheer me up, but we ended up getting in a fight. She's...she hasn't had a good family life at home, so all I could really feel was that she couldn't really relate, you know? I really love my mom, but she practically hates her dad and shit shit _shit_ don't ever tell her I just said that. I swear I didn't mean to and—"

"Percy, calm down. I won't tell anybody anything," Nico promises. "Besides, it's not like I have friends anyway haha." That caught Percy's attention.

"What?" he asks.

"What?" Nico asks, equally confused. He notices that Percy's biting his lip and Nico thinks that it's freaking cute.

"You don't have any friends?" he asks. Nico looks down by the true statement.

"Oh...that," he mumbles, admiring the table and wondering when the hell their coffee would be ready. It's been like five minutes at least, right? It's not like there were that many people in here and they both just ordered two simple drinks so why the hell—

"What do you mean _that_? Nico...that's...no...just _no_ ," Percy exclaims. Nico's confused.

"What's the big deal?" he asks.

" _What's the big deal?!_ Dude, you're in _college_ and you're telling me you don't have any friends?! That is not _good_! Besides, it's not true anyway," he says.

"What do you mean?" Percy gives Nico a grin and a small shrug.

"Well, come on, man. I just told you about my...mom...and well, you _are_ my friend. So, I guess you can call me your only friend, which is going to change soon, you know that?" Percy explains happily. Nico just stares at him cursing everything.

He knew it was coming and he knew it was going to happen, but for some reason it was just painful.

Nico di Angelo just got friend zoned and he still wants to know when his damn coffee would be ready, and for some reason he had the feeling that this coffee was going to be nothing short of bitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp


	3. part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE EDITING OMFG
> 
> anyway, here y'all go

Nico is honestly starting to doubt that Percy has any other friends.

He's only even thinking this because even though Nico is pretty much in love with the guy, Percy seems to spend almost every waking hour with him, as _friends_ of course.

After their little talk in the café that day, Percy asked what he was doing in the library in the first place, in which Nico responded with the truth of how it was his study time blah blah blah.

To which, it is mentioned that instead of going off and doing jack shit like Percy usually does, it was a good idea, so now every second period, they would be hanging out together.

Of course, Nico was delighted with this news but he was also nervous at first, because he didn't know how it would go.

And Nico knows that Percy has friends. He has tons of them. He's seen them with him loads of times, so where did they all go? It seems almost as if Percy's ignoring everybody but him, which even though it does please Nico immensely, it is not right for Percy's current state of mind to do that.

Nico di Angelo doesn't know what to do.

He stares down at the essay that he hasn't even started in utter despair. Percy would be arriving soon so maybe he could ask? Nico shakes his head at that thought, immediately deciding against it. He groans in his head and puts his head down on the table. His eyes shift to the clock.

Percy's late.

"He's been acting kind of weird though."

Nico sits up at the sound of the sudden voices. Two girls suddenly appeared from the corner of a bookcase and Nico instantly recognizes him. Well, isn't it just convenient that after thinking about Percy's friends, they appear.

Rachel Elizabeth Dare and Thalia Grace are two forces of nature in this college.

Tons of guys are practically in love with them, constantly trying to get them to join their clubs and or go to parties with them, but they were forces of nature because they didn't care. They didn't fall in love easily according to the rumors, and another rumor is that they themselves started it.

Nico frowns at his thoughts. Who knew he was such a gossip queen?

"When's the last time you talked to him?" Thalia asks. "I tried talking to the idiot yesterday, but he completely ignored me."

"He's doing the same to me. I don't know. He just goes off and I know that Annabeth knows something but when I asked, she just said that it wasn't my business. She's right; it's just that I get the feeling that something is going terribly wrong with Percy. I just don't know what," Rachel says. Nico takes in her words, realizing finally that they were talking about his crush.

When did the library become such a good place for eavesdropping? They still haven't noticed him staring at them, and for that, he's undoubtedly thankful.

"What does he do during second period now?" Thalia asks.

"I don't know...a few days ago I saw him with that weird, cute freshman. You know, the one who never talks and is like emo I think," Rachel informs Thalia. Nico rolls his eyes at her description of him. He isn't _emo_. They don't need to go that far. Whatever. It doesn't really matter to Nico anyway. _  
_

"Oh shit...isn't that him?" Nico has to control the urge to roll his eyes again as he shifts his gaze immediately back down towards his essay. Did they know that people can hear what they are saying when they are literally six feet away from them? He remains quiet, giving no inclination of having heard them.

"Yeah, oh my god, it is," Rachel says, lowering her voice just somewhat. Nico can still hear them.

"So, Percy was hanging out with him? I've never seen him before except a few times here maybe. Have they been friends long? Are you sure it's him?" Thalia asks.

"I don't know...maybe not..." Rachel says quickly. Nico forces his pen to move across the page, and he's starting to feel a little guilty for eavesdropping, but hey...they were talking about him, weren't they? He has the right, he figures.

"Oh. Well let's go. We're already late for the meet up," Thalia suggests.

"Okay. Let's go," Rachel agrees.

Nico breathes a sigh of relief when they were gone, and then thought about what they said. They talked about how Percy was ignoring his friends...why?

"So I am right," he mutters to himself.

"Right about what?" Nico looks up, surprised to see Percy standing there with his usual friendly smile. It was as if the Friendzone smacked him in the face again when he smiles like that.

"Oh...uhm about what the word legit. Did you know that it stands for legitimate? Interesting discovery, right?" Nico stutters out. What the hell did he just say?

"Uhm yeah. I knew about that "interesting discovery" already. Hate to burst the excitement," Percy teases as he sits himself down.

That is when the worst thing that Nico could ever imagine happened. Rachel Elizabeth Dare and Thalia Grace came back.

"Percy?" Rachel's voice rings out like a clattering bell in the silent library. Well...almost silent. Nico watches as Percy visibly stiffens and turns around, nice and awkwardly.

"Oh, uhm hey guys," Percy says, managing a forced smile. Nico stares down at his table in shame, not wanting to make eye contact. He still finds it kind of ironic that Percy had practically promised him that day in the café that he would get Nico more friends when he was ignoring his own. Why did his friends come back anyway?

"That's it? _'Oh_ _umm hey guys?'_ That's _all_ you can say when you've been ignoring us for days?" Thalia seethes, stepping closer.

"I haven't been ignoring you," Percy says. Nico grimaces. Even he could tell that Percy's lying, but the main question is _why? Why i_ s Percy suddenly acting as if Nico was his only friend in this world when Percy had tons? Even Nico doesn't understand it. Not that he was complaining much.

"Don't lie to me, Percy Jackson," Thalia snaps. Percy paled. Nico studies Percy and sees how uncomfortable he looks. Even though Nico doesn't know why he's doing it, he can't leave him to the sharks.

"I'm Nico," Nico says, breaking the silence that would have lasted longer if not for him. Nico bites his tongue, shocked at the fact that he said anything. Nico doesn't like people, so why socialize with them?

"Yes...you are. I'm Thalia and this is Rachel. How do you know Percy?" Thalia asks. Nico simply stares at her, already cursing himself for speaking at all.

He's such a fool. Especially a fool for Percy Jackson.

"Thalia..." Percy warns.

"I'm his friend," Nico suddenly whispers, trying to keep the contempt out of his voice when he said the word 'friend'. Would Percy ever know that he wants to be so much more?

 _No...he will not_ , Nico decides quickly.

"Yeah. Well, we're Percy's friends too. At least I _think_ we are," Thalia sneers. Percy flinches.

"You know you are," Percy quickly assures them.

"Really, Percy? Are you sure about that? Because it doesn't seem like you care about your friends anymore," Rachel whispers, sadly.

"I'm sorry guys...it's just...I can't really explain it..." Percy trails off, not helping his situation at all. Thalia and Rachel both just stare at him, and Nico's starting to feel incredibly uncomfortable.

"You know...we know something happened. We don't know _what_ , since Annabeth refuses to tell us, but Percy you must know that we're here for you. We are your friends and now you're spending time with someone like Nico and I don't know... it's just...confusing," Thalia states, which made Percy bristle in his seat.

"What do you mean 'someone like Nico'? What's wrong with him?" Percy asks, almost angrily. Thalia throws a worried glance at Nico, but Nico doesn't really care.

He knows what they were talking about. He's heard it all year.

It's why he didn't have any friends.

Nico's...scary to most, especially to those who don't know him, and that's also the reason that Nico liked Percy so much. Because as soon as Nico walked into that café, Percy smiled at him, and not one of those fake cashier smiles in which he's paid to do, but a real smile.

And Nico fell instantly and hard, and as soon as he said his first word to Percy, he knew there was no going back on that.

" _Nothing_ is _wrong_ with him, Percy. Calm down. It's just that you don't usually hang out with freshman, and if you do they're usually more...social," Rachel assures Percy.

"But the question is how _do_ you know Percy, Nico?" Thalia cuts in.

"We met in his café," Nico says. "I was a customer and we became friends?"

"Just like that? What...did you talk for hours or something? In just one visit?" Thalia asks, too curious in Nico's opinion.

"No, no. Nico's a regular there," Percy says, smiling for one of the first times that day. Nico has to blink to get rid of the sun that's practically oozing from Percy's smile.

"Why?" Thalia asks, as if horrified by that very aspect.

"What do you mean ' _why'_? What's wrong with my café?!" Percy exclaims.

"I don't know, Percy. It's just that the coffee there is either too sweet or too bitter. It's you who makes it, right? You need to work on that," Thalia suggests. Percy's glaring at her and Rachel stifles a snicker.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Percy mutters.

"You are okay, right, Percy?" Rachel asks.

"Mhm," he mumbles.

"I don't believe you, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe we can hang out sometime, okay? You can bring Nico of course. He's invited," she adds.

"Okay," Nico and Percy say at the same time. Thalia raises an eyebrow, but says nothing as she and Rachel walk off, seemingly much happier. Nico never figured out why they came back.

"Ready to start studying?" Percy asks, excitedly, turning towards Nico. Nico cracks a small smile and nods.

"Yeah. Let's start," he agrees.

* * *

_"Come on Nico...pleasssseeeeee," Bianca asks._

_"But I don't want to!" he protests._

_"Nico. You cannot stay cooped up in here playing Mythomagic all day long! You need to get out and explore the world!" she exclaims, pulling on Nico's jacket. Nico simply glares at her._

_"I don't like people," he state simply._

_"Nico di Angelo, you are almost seventeen and you need to stop playing your card games. I'm worried about you. Please. It's just a birthday party. Only like twenty people will be there," she adds._

_"Why should I come? I don't even know who the person who the party is being held for," he points out._

_"Well, you_ will _if you come," she says. Nico rolls his eyes, but he was already won over and Bianca knew it. He was already somewhat smiling._

_"How are we going to get there?" he asks._

_"I'll drive of course. So, you're coming? Okay, good. It's this Saturday and I expect you to be somewhat_ social _, okay? Do you promise me, Nico?" she asks._

_"Yeah, yeah," he mumbles, smiling now. Bianca smiles at him._

_"Okay, good."_

_As Bianca was walking away, Nico calls out to her and says, "Oh and Bianca? Don't say 'it's this Saturday' as if that is in a few days. It's just tomorrow, okay?"_

_"Whatever you punk!" she calls, not looking back as she rushes into her room._

_Nico only smiles._

_..._

_Someone screams._

_..._

_Apologies for his loss._

_..._

_No one understands._

_..._

_He can still see the blood._

_..._

_The fights at home only got worse._

_..._

_He has to leave. He needs to escape._

* * *

Nico wakes up gasping. The sweat clings to his brow like honey and he can feel the tears pricking at his eyes. He grasps his wrist, turning it over to reveal the scar, which he does every time he has that nightmare. His wrist always burns when those horrific memories would come back to him, and he knows why. But he can't tell anybody. Not anyone.

It was his one big secret and he was going to always keep it that way.

The burn of the cigar bud would always be scarred on him, reminding him of that night.

That night where he wished he could have stayed in his nightmares, for reality had been far more worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	4. part IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oKAY YEAH I'M TIRED OF EDITING THIS imma just post the old chapters from before love y'all and yeah.

Nico is considering the fact of therapy. He thought he was getting better, but his nightmares have only been getting worse.

He groans, knowing that there is no way in hell he can write this essay with this on his mind. He just has to get out of this damn apartment. It was stifling being all alone in a completely silent housing area. He stands up, grabbing his jacket and quickly slipping on his boots, and walks out, locking the door behind him.

So now what?

He thinks about going to the café, but he knows that if he did, Percy would notice something. He figured that out kind of quickly, the fact that after Percy truly gets to spend more time with people, he can call out when they're feeling bad etcetera etcetera. It instilled a small amount of hope in Nico that maybe Percy spent more time than most boys observing him, but he had quickly diminished that thought, knowing that it would lead him absolutely nowhere.

So yeah. He's not going to the café today. He just wants to walk around. Maybe he can go the park? Nico sighs at his own incapability of making such a simple decision.

The thought of therapy comes creeping back into his mind and Nico's suddenly fighting the urge to cry. Yes, he needs to leave right _now._

He starts thinking about what he doesn't want to think about and that's Bianca. Why did she always come to mind when he was the most vulnerable to his own feelings? Was it because she had always been the one to help with those very feelings? He didn't really know but he did know this couldn't keep happening.

When Nico finally came back to his senses, he had already walked at least a block. He looked around, noting the familiar houses and buildings, but with where his mind was at the moment, he couldn't remember where he was. Nico sighed, exasperated by himself.

"This is stupid," he grumbled, turning to the left, still able to recognize the houses. Why did this place seem even more familiar than most places? Nico sighed, shaking his head, deciding he was probably reading too much into it like he does everything else.

Where was he going anyways?

Wait why was he out here again?

Oh yeah...to clear his head...well consider that accomplished...

Suddenly, Nico found himself at a street light. And then he knew exactly where he was.

* * *

He woke up in the hospital. He noticed that instantly as he opened his eyes and saw the nurse in the side of the room. Plus, it was only a hospital that could be this freaking cold.

He hated hospitals.

He _hated_ them. He tried to sit up, but a wave of pain shot through his head and he groaned, also catching the attention of the nurse.

"Oh you woke up! Good!" she exclaimed happily, rushing to his side.

Nico squinted at her and tried to remember what had happened, but failing miserably. All he remembered was walking to get his mind off of things. Obviously...this was not what he meant when he wanted to get his mind off of things.

"What happened?" he croaked out. He blushed at his voice, but the nurse didn't seem to care. Why would she?

"You fainted, dear," she informed him, fixing up his pillows. "It's nothing too serious and you should be out by tomorrow morning. We're keeping you here to make sure this isn't a long-term affect thing. Although, when we brought you in we did notice some things that we want to talk to you about..."

Nico stilled, horror-struck. Oh no. She wasn't going to mention, was she?

"Like what?" he asked, trying to play cool. He watched as the nurse pursed her lips, and seemed to contemplate something. Nico had a very bad feeling she was contemplating mentioning the very thing he did not want her to mention.

"Well we'll leave that up for the doctor in the morning!" she said cheerfully, obviously deciding against mentioning it. Nico only nodded. He felt parched and he wanted something to drink and eat.

"Am I allowed some food, maybe? And could I have a coffee?"

Nico did not want coffee. He did not know why he mentioned it in the first place, but then Percy came flashing in his mind, and he knew again. _Damnit_ , he swore to himself. The nurse looked appalled.

"Coffee?! It is almost ten o'clock at night and you obviously need your rest! No, I'm sorry, sir, but I can't allow it. Food however...I can bring you a small fruit, but you must try and go to sleep after that, okay?" The nurse was obviously very worried about his safety and Nico managed a small smile at that. He wanted to go home. He did not want to be here at all. He hated hospitals. Hospitals were a part of his childhood and he wished they weren't.

"Thank you," he said. The nurse smiled at him and left, and then he was alone, miserable, and cold. He sighed and leaned his head back, thinking about what classes he was going to miss tomorrow.

He would have to make sure to grab a doctor's note to excuse himself. His first two teacher's would probably kick him out of their class if he showed up so late without a doctor's note.

The nurse came back in two minutes later, this time carrying a small glass of water and a banana.

"Thanks," he told her, smiling as she placed next to him on his small table. He hated hospitals.

Soon enough, he ate his food and was off to dreaming.

* * *

He woke up to the sound of the door opening, and like last night, was instantly reminded that he was in a hospital by the cold air that smelled like medicine. If that made any sense whatsoever. He peered at the two doctor's who walked in, both holding clipboards, and the nurse that helped and fussed over him so much last night. They watched him, and Nico felt as if he was being studied.

"Nico di Angelo, right?" The taller doctor asked. His voice was super deep.

"Yeah," Nico said. "That's me. You wanted to talk about something?" he asked, remembering how the nurse said he'd be asked in the morning.

The shorter doctor nodded.

"Yes. We do. I'm Dr. Phillips, and this is Dr. Jasons. Dr. Jasons actually studies more in the field of psychology, and I'm just a simple every-day doctor," he told Nico, with the same cheery expression that the nurse had on last night. Nico frowned.

 _There it was. They're going to ask about my scars, and think I'm troubled,_ Nico thought bitterly.

"Okay," Nico responded simply. Dr. Jasons, the taller one, frowned at Nico's response.

"We'd like to talk about something we discovered when the young lady brought you here from the street," Dr. Jasons said, obviously taking control.

"Like what? My old cuts? How about the cigar burn? Or what about the bags under my eyes that haven't left since I was eleven?" Nico snapped. He could hear the nurse gasp, and Dr. Phillips looked away uncomfortably, but Dr. Jasons simply assessed him.

"Yes, that exactly, actually," Dr. Jasons responded, just as bluntly, yet much more professional. Nico went silent. He did not want to discuss this. He had classes at his college that he was missing. He wanted to leave. He hated hospitals. He _hated_ them.

"Can I leave?" Nico finally managed to say, his voice suddenly very weak. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to do this. Not today. He was nineteen. He could make this decision. He didn't want to stay. "Please?" he pleaded again.

Dr. Jasons gave him that look that he hated. The one that he got all the time after Bianca died. Pity.

"I'm leaving," he said, with more force this time. He forced himself out of bed, and he was expecting them to say something. He was still in his clothes, instead of the usual gown he had always been forced to wear when coming here long ago. He grabbed his jacket, which he saw to the very right of him at the last second, and hurried out of the room.

They didn't stop him.

Why weren't they stopping him?

 _They don't actually care,_ he thought bitterly. _They just want my money and to assess me like I'm some sort of messed-up kid. I'm not though...right?_

He checked out, taking the hospital bill with him, and before he knew where he was going, he was running.

The thought of his classes vaguely entered his mind, but he pushed them away with force. He did not want to think about anything right now.

* * *

When he got back to his apartment, he was frustrated. He ripped off his jacket and threw it against the couch angrily.

"Damnit," he muttered to himself. He thought he had it under control. When was the last time he had blacked out like that?

He felt miserable and stupid. He glanced at the clock, knowing that it was time when Percy and him would be meeting up. Would he care that he was gone? Nico didn't know, and that stung him as well.

He trudged to his room, taking off his shirt in the process and he stopped when he passed in front of the mirror.

He stared and stared, looking at his skinny, pale, unattractive body as if it were something foreign to him.

 _Do I hate myself,_ he wondered idly as he passed his hand over his stomach that was so, so pale. He could have been dead and no one would tell the difference. He smiled softly when he remembered all of Bianca's complaints about how he needed to go out and get a tan.

He didn't know he was crying until he noticed his tears in the mirror. He tried wiping them away, but they kept coming and Nico wondered why.

He felt sad and lonely, but was grateful he didn't have a roommate to witness this. He just wanted to be happy.

And he was getting there. He knew he was. Just yesterday, he felt a small flicker of happiness when Percy smiled right at him. And the day before, the happiness had come when Percy patted him on the back when he wrote down the correct answer when they were studying.

 _How sad_ , Nico mused, _that a heterosexual boy completely oblivious to his feelings were the only source of his happiness nowadays._

He groaned and made his way to his bed, where he fell to it. He turned his head into the pillow and once again, lost himself in his tears.

* * *

Somehow, he had found himself at the café once again. It was late evening, and Nico stood there, staring at the sign that blinked **OPEN.**

He wanted to feel happy again, and he needed to feel happy again. He opened the door and it gave it's usual ring, which put a warmth of familiarity in his heart. Geez, he was being freaking sappy.

His gaze instantly went to the cashier but he found it empty, and when he looked around, he saw the rest of the café was empty too. Did they forget to turn over the **OPEN** sign? No...Nico knew they were open until ten and he knew that even if they were closed, the door would have been locked.

So where was Percy? In fact, where was _anybody?_

He walked in, and walked towards the cashier register. Nobody.

He glanced under the tables, because why the hell not? Nobody.

Then he heard a laugh. Someone was laughing. Well that was good, right? It had come from the worker's backroom and he started towards the room, but then he froze.

Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase were, what looked to be, an incredibly important, passionate kiss.

Nico could not move as he watched Percy lace his fingers gently in Annabeth's hair and Nico wondered what the would feel like if Percy was doing that to his own hair. He shuddered to get rid of the thoughts, and suddenly, they were no longer kissing.

Annabeth was the one who noticed him and that made Nico's insides ball up in hurt. Percy didn't even realize he had been here, but what had he expected?

Percy Jackson did not like him back. Why would he?

"Nico!" she exclaimed, blushing from head to toe. Percy followed her in that action soon after turning himself into a living tomato as well.

"Hey Nico! I was wondering where you were!" he exclaimed nervously. He seemed to be really embarrassed and suddenly Nico was irrationally angry.

He had come here to be happy. He had come here to see Percy's smile. He had come here to talk to him, but it looked as if that was not going to happen at all. He didn't even know who he was angry at.

He supposed he was angry at Percy for being fucking amazing and not giving a damn who he hurt without knowing it (although of course that was harsh), at Annabeth for ruining the night he had invisioned and for being the one Percy chose, and most of all himself for ever falling in love with Percy in the first place.

"Oh...ermm...I'll just leave," Nico stuttered out, covering his irrational anger.

"No! You can stay! Don't let Annabeth and I getting back on good terms stop that!" Percy tried to persuade Nico by saying this, but it only made him more angry. Of course, Nico did not show it.

"No. It's not that. I just remembered that I had somewhere I needed to be...thanks though," he managed out awkwardly, trying his best not to punch the wall.

He watched as Percy's stupid attractive face fell. Annabeth, however, only looked at him curiously as if studying him. He didn't like it. It reminded him too much of how Dr. Jasons had been looking at him.

"Oh. Well at least take a cup of coffee would you? It's free," Percy said, leaving Annabeth's side to go make a quick cup of coffee before Nico could even protest. It was just him and Annabeth, awkwardly standing there while facing each other. Neither one of them said a word and somehow Nico found his gaze on Annabeth's lips. He was trying to imagine again that instead of Annabeth it was him that got to kiss Percy like that. Annabeth frowned at him and he looked away, beyond awkward.

Percy came back, saving him from the weird tension that had come from standing near Annabeth for so long, and handed him his coffee.

"Thanks," Nico muttered dryly. "Well, I'll be off..."

"See you Nico," Percy said happily.

Annabeth just waved at him, still frowning slightly. Nico paled in return and hurried out of there, taking a sip of the coffee that Percy had made him.

And it didn't seem right to Nico that this was one of Percy's best cups of coffee that he had ever had.

It wasn't fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha


	5. part V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I'm too lazy to edit this anymore, sorry for the random shifts back into past tense writing. oopsie.

The phone ringing was what woke Nico up. After seeing last what had happened last night, he had come home and shut himself in his room, not wanting to think about anything related to Percy or coffee.

"Hello?" he asked, groggily, blinking at the sun that was barely streaming through. Nico could tell it was _very_ early in the morning. Technically, he wouldn't even have to be awake for college until a few hours, so he was sort of irritated that someone was calling him so early in the morning.

"Is this Nico di Angelo?" a voice too sharp for Nico in the morning said.

"Yes?" he responded, yawning quickly. He didn't want to seem too rude.

"I am calling you to remind you of your appointment that you have scheduled today," she informed.

"What appointment?" Nico asked, frowning. He didn't have any appointments. What were they talking about?

"It's your appointment with Dr. Jasons. It's scheduled at seven thirty at NorthRidge Hospital," the lady said. Nico thought for a moment. Dr. Jasons? That sounded familiar to him but why...? A flash of the memory of yesterday came into his mind and he recalled that Dr. Jasons was the psychologist from before...although he never scheduled an appointment...? Nico bit back a curse when he realized that was probably why Dr. Jasons had allowed him to leave; so that he could schedule an appointment under his name.

"Yes, okay. I'll be there," he said. He had to give the man some credit, and he wanted to see what Dr. Jasons would try and ask him to analyze his "psychological" state of mind. Nico scoffed after he hung up.

He knew that he needed to go to college, but he didn't want to see Percy today. Besides, he was the one paying for it, and the last few days have been the only days he's missed all semester. Also, he'd have an actual excuse...a trip to the doctor's office.

_Joy._

* * *

Percy was calling him and Nico really, _seriously_ wanted to pick up, but Nico didn't want to talk to Percy after what had happened. He didn't think Percy really noticed anything weird with him, but maybe that was why he didn't want to talk to him because he would be absolutely fine.

Nico couldn't handle hearing the phone keep vibrating in his pocket because every second he got closer to wanting to pick up so he just sent Percy straight to voicemail knowing that Percy knew that he did.

Besides, it's not like he would be able to talk to Percy anyways since he just arrived at the stupid hospital.

Nico thought for a moment why he even came to this "appointment" but he couldn't find a valid reason. He eventually went in because an old man was squinting at him and Nico didn't like to be thought as some sort of emo loiterer by people, especially the elderly.

Nico knew that didn't really make any sense but whatever.

He walked towards the main desk and got checked in pretty quickly and before Nico really knew what was happening, he was being led down a hall to what looked to be a room for therapy. Nico instantly regretted ever coming.

He felt his phone vibrate again, and he pulled it out, planning on putting it on silent, but his breath drew up short when he saw the name flickering on the screen.

 _No, this is impossible,_ Nico thought to himself just as the door was whipped open by Dr. Jasons. Dr. Jasons smiled at him, but Nico simply glanced back down at his phone only to see that it was silent. There was no sign of any call, and Nico blinked, wondering what just happened.

"Hello Nico," Dr. Jasons greeted as he held the door open wider so that Nico could stumble in, still in his stupor from what may or may not have just happened. "I'm glad you actually came. Most don't show up until the fourth appointment is scheduled."

It took a little too long for Nico to finally process the man's words.

"So you do this often? Set up appointments without the patients knowing about it?" Nico asked, genuinely curious as to what went through this guy's head. Dr. Jasons gave a wry smile.

"Sometimes, it's necessary. If I didn't do it, then they would never come in," he admitted. Nico simply pursed his lips, wondering why he had showed up again for the third time. "Sit, if you want."

Nico sat, but not because he wanted to.

"Do you know why you're here, Nico?" Dr. Jasons asked as he pulled out the same clipboard from yesterday and sat across from him.

"I think so," Nico replied. "At least I'm 95% sure, but you're going to tell me anyways, right?"

"I saw your file," Dr. Jasons said, ignoring what Nico just said, but proving his point nonetheless.

Nico only nodded; his suspicions confirmed.

"Okay," Nico supplied awkwardly. He wanted to leave.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Nico responded quickly. He really didn't.

"Did you just move out with your dad?" Dr. Jasons asked, continuing on as if nothing had been said.

"Yeah," Nico said.

"Do you want to talk about that?"

"No."

"What about your sister?"

"No."

"Do you think you'll ever want to talk about it?"

"No," Nico gritted out, getting tired of this doctor's indifference to everything. It's not like he wanted pity but he didn't want to be looked at as a pet project. He just didn't want to go to school because he didn't want to see Percy and his insufferable eyes and concerned expression. He just didn't want to see that. Besides, this doctor was prying into the things he left behind for a reason. He didn't see any reason to go back there so why did he have to talk about it? It doesn't matter.

He wasn't harming himself as much anymore anyways.

Isn't that a good thing?

"Nico, do you have any suicidal tendencies? After you answer that, you can go home. I will not schedule another appointment with me, but instead with another psychologist of whom I think you will get along with. Please, can you at least give me that answer?"

Nico sighed and thought about his question. Did he have any suicidal tendencies? No...he used to, but not anymore.

"Not anymore," was what he finally muttered. Dr. Jasons sighed in relief and Nico wondered why this man ever wanted to become a doctor in the first place. To listen to people's problems...where was the fun in that?

"I can leave now, right?" Nico asked, already standing up. He was starting to feel sick to his stomach.

"Yes. Just make sure to sign out and get that note for your university. Wouldn't want that money to go to waste, would we?"

Nico honestly didn't care because it was his father's money, but he did care about staying in college so he gave a tight smile and nodded stiffly.

He rushed out of the room as politely as he could and let out a large breath as soon as he was safe outside the door.

 _Now I just need to check out_ , he thought to himself as he glanced around, looking for the nurses. As he started to walk to the main desk, he heard a familiar voice that he didn't really want to hear at the moment.

"So this is Percy's mom?" A voice that sounded suspiciously like Thalia asked. What is it with Nico and eavesdropping?

"Yeah," answered Annabeth.

"I can see the resemblance," Thalia said and Nico could hear the smile in her voice. "So how's he handling it?" Nico imagined Annabeth shaking her head like she does when she responds to people.

"Not very well. I've tried talking to him about it, but that was what caused us to take a break in the first place. Honestly, I feel like we're only back together because he needs to find some sort of comfort in his life. I think he's just looking for something normal to hold onto, and I guess at any other time, I would have been upset that he was using me in such a way, but right now, he needs it. I love him, and maybe he still loves me, but either way, I'm going to be here for him. He needs me, so I'll help him," she stated sadly. Nico's eyes widened at the news (not that it made the situation overall any better).

He didn't want to hear anything else, so rather than sticking around to hear Thalia's response, he rushed on ahead.

Nico practically ran out of the hospital after checking himself out. He didn't want to go to school, but he didn't want to go back there more. So instead of having to face his past, he'd rather face Percy. Nico knew he needed to face Percy. He had to get over Percy. Besides, Annabeth was right. Percy needs some sort of distraction and Nico could do that. Besides, that's all he would have ever been anyway. It's not like him and Percy could've happened anyways because Percy was straight and now he was back together with Annabeth, regardless of his reasons.

So it just didn't matter.

It couldn't matter.

He'd make it not matter.

* * *

Nico hurried into his class, settling himself in his chair quickly and sat with the other students waiting for their professor to show up.

He never did.

At least, he didn't show up to the first thirty minutes, so everyone just left. They weren't going to waste their time waiting, were they?

It's not like Nico cared. He had a doctor's note either way.

But now he didn't know what he wanted to do with the free time. He didn't necessarily want to go to the library because he wasn't sure when Percy would show up there and he just wasn't in the mood to stay in the university for this short break. Besides, he was tired and needed to wake up. He debated going to the café for a few seconds, briefly thinking he didn't want to go because Percy would be there, but Percy was here, so he decided on it.

He really needed coffee right now, especially after all that has happened today.

* * *

He arrived at the café about ten minutes later and strolled in, breathing in relief when he saw that, like he suspected, Percy was not here. Instead, the register was being manned by Luke. Luke smiled at Nico and already started on Nico's regular. Nico went over to table in the corner and sat down, knowing already that Luke would just bring his coffee. That was how Luke did everything. He would personally bring the coffee over and you would pay then, rather than at the register.

Since no one else was in the café, his coffee was made quickly.

"Here you go, Nico," Luke said, handing him the coffee. Nico took it, paid, and thanked him, without making any more conversation. He wasn't in the mood, especially for Luke's personality.

Nico stared down at his coffee and his pale hands that were wrapped around it. He could still faintly see the old cuts on his wrists. He wondered briefly how many people had noticed the scars and if they did, what they thought. He wondered if Luke had noticed when handing him his coffee. He wondered if Percy had noticed when they hung out. Then, he wondered if they cared. Did anyone actually give a damn?

The sound of the familiar ting of the bell is hat distracted his thoughts. Looking up, Nico saw a very attractive blonde-haired guy, who looked just a little older than him, walk in.

"Hey, Luke," the guy said, smiling at the other blonde. They guy's gaze traveled to Nico, who gelt weird for staring, so he immediately looked back down at his freakishly-pale hands and his coffee.

"Hey, Jason!" Luke responded, just as enthusiastically. "Want your regular, as well?" Nico peered from the corner of his eyes as the guy—Jason—nodded. Jason looked back at him, and Nico's gaze flickered down once more. What was with him?

Then suddenly, the chair across from him was being pulled out loudly, causing Nico's head to snap up.

Jason had just sat across from him. Nico frowned. Jason smiled.

It sort of reminded him of Percy's smile, but he still liked Percy's more. He didn't know why.

Well no, he knew why.

He just didn't want to keep admitting that.

"I'm Jason," Jason said. Nico nodded.

"I heard," he responded, just as Luke brought over Jason's coffee, repeating the familiar routine of what had happened earlier with Nico.

"So...no name, then?" Jason asked, cracking an even larger smile if that was possible. Nico felt his own lips tug up in a small sort of smile as well.

"Nico. Nico di Angelo," Nico said.

"Nico di Angelo?" Jason asked. "That sounds like the name of a movie star. Are you actually a movie star?"

"Yeah. I'm in this lowly coffee shop to hide from the paparazzi actually. Please don't make fun of my misfortunes," Nico said. He was surprised with himself. He doesn't usually do this. Jason laughed then.

"You're good, Nico di Angelo," he said, smiling.

"Hmm," was all Nico gave in response, as he took another sip of his cooled-down coffee. For some reason, it tasted much sweeter than usual.

They talked until Nico had to go back to college, and Jason simply said he'd see him around. Nico highly doubted that, but it's not like he wasn't open to the idea of seeing him again. He was pretty cool to talk to.

* * *

School went by quickly, and Nico was assigned a research paper and an essay that were due on days that were too close in his opinion.

 _Teachers really shouldn't do that. Especially professors when we actually have lives,_ he thought to himself sourly as he walked out of his last class for the day. He knew it was sort of hypocritical since he didn't really do much except stalk Percy, but still.

"Hey Nico!" Nico stopped short in his tracks. Said boy was now calling his name now. Nico turned, plastering a smile on his face.

"Hey Percy!" he said, trying to sound just as enthusiastic as he did. He saw Annabeth in the distance by a few feet and she smiled at him. He returned it of course, not wanting to be rude and also not wanting to raise any suspicions. For fuck's sake, Percy didn't even know he was also attracted to men after all.

"Where were you today?" Percy asked, standing right in front of Nico and giving him a full-frontal smile that tugged at Nico's heart.

"Uh, I had a doctor's appointment," he said. Percy frowned.

"Really? For what?"

Nico's eyes widened. There was no way he could tell Percy why he was there, and there was no way, he could tell him that he saw Annabeth and Thalia there as well.

"Just felt sort of sick yesterday and this morning and decided to check up on it," Nico lied. He felt bad about it, but there was no way Percy could know anything. Because if he did, Percy'd want to help him, which would only guarantee Nico's fall for him to last too, too long.

"Oh. Is that why you left so quickly yesterday?" he asked, although something felt sort of off to Nico. Nico realized that this was a pretty good time to lie about that too.

"Yeah, something like that," he muttered. Percy frowned again, and Nico wondered why. His gaze shifted back to Annabeth and he remembered what she had said about Percy loving her. He wondered if it was true.

"Are you better now?" Percy asked, leaning against the wall, looking way too cool for anyone of his geekiness.

"Yeah," Nico answered, quickly so Percy wouldn't think he was lying to his face, like he was. Percy smiled that gorgeous smile of his again, and once again Nico cursed his luck with crushes to the gods, or God, whatever.

"Then that means you can go bowling with us today," Percy states, nodding his head like it's already official. _But seriously, bowling?_ Nico states his thoughts aloud. "Yup. And you're coming. I'll pick you up at...where do you live?"

No. There was no way Nico could tell him where he lived because that would be too much for Nico to handle.

"I'll just meet you at the café. It's easier for me, and it will be for you," Nico answered, not even bothering to put up a fight. Percy smiled even wider.

"Awesome," he said. "Well, I'll see you later on today, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Bye Nico!" Percy called out, already falling in step with Annabeth. Nico watched them, sadly.

He wondered if Percy knew how sad he actually looked when he smiled.

And yet he was still beautiful.

Nico knew he was so, so screwed.

Percy was just like the damn coffee he served- he was always a bit too sweet.

And that's why Nico was such a goner.

_Damnit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments?


	6. part VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally too lazy to go back and edit so yeah

Nico has forgotten how to bowl. He realizes this as soon as he grasps the bowling ball and looks down the lane, which only emphasizes his utter doom. Surrounding him are Percy, Annabeth, Thalia, Rachel, and another friend Nico just met today, Leo.

"Come on, Nico! Release it!" Rachel calls out helpfully. Nico grimaces and immediately wishes he didn't agree to doing this. Why is he doing this? He doesn't like people. Or bowling.

However, he still grasps the bowling ball as well as he can and takes a few steps forward and releases it. He watches as the ball immediately gets thrown into the side pit and rolls down pathetically, not hitting a single pin.

Nico finds that this could actually be a sad metaphor for his life.

"Don't worry, Nico! You have another try!" This time it's Annabeth who tries to comfort him. Nico knows another try won't do him any good because he doesn't remember how to do this properly and that's the sad truth.

He tries again.

This time, the ball isn't even in his lane, but instead he practically hurls it into the other lane. And even then, he didn't knock down any pins. The people next to him are laughing. Nico can feel how red he is and he turns around to go sit back down. Everyone offers him a smile and tells him that he did just fine, but Nico knows they are only saying that because it'd be too rude to tell him that he sucked at bowling.

It's Annabeth's turn and Nico finds himself seated next to the one and only, Percy Jackson.

"You don't actually know how to bowl, do you?" Percy asks, after a full four seconds of silence. This is one of those moments when Nico wished he wasn't such a pathetic loser who never went out.

"I _used_ to," he admits, smiling sheepishly. It's true. He did use to know how to play. But that was when his sister was still alive and when his dad wasn't a _complete_ ass.

So it's been a while. Percy grins at him.

"We'll have to come here sometimes, just the two of us, so I can teach you. Sound good?" Percy asks, not even knowing how that made Nico feel. Nico didn't reveal anything though.

"Sounds good," he agrees. His heart hurt. Percy smiled at him and looked over at Annabeth,a frown gracing his face. Nico wondered if it had anything to do with what he overheard from Annabeth in the hospital.

He remained silent.

When Annabeth finished, having scored a spare, it was Percy's turn. Annabeth gave him a small smile, but she seemed uncomfortable as well. It was all very weird. Not like it really helped Nico out in the end.

Percy was undeniably straight.

And that was that.

The next hour went by in a haze.

Thalia and Rachel had gotten into an intense arm wrestling battle in which Thalia won the first four, but Rachel won the last one.

Leo, as Nico had learned, was very loud and very upfront about too many things. He made Nico feel sort of uncomfortable but that was probably just because Nico wasn't like him. At all.

And Percy continued to be awkward around Annabeth, while Annabeth seemed sort of sad about it. He wasn't sure. He did know that they were making him feel weird as well.

Everyone had been friendly enough and Nico definitely didn't regret coming out with them. He did have some fun.

Now they were planning on going out to eat and Nico was debating what his next move should be.

"Are you coming, Nico?" Thalia asks him, directing all eyes on him. He knew that if he said no, then he wouldn't be the only one. Annabeth and Rachel both had to go home because they had to build some project for their architecture class, which only made Nico think about the homework he was neglecting at home. Eh. He had time.

"Sure," he says, not actually debating it in the end. He knew he was going to say yes anyways. Percy was going and Annabeth wasn't. Sort of a done deal, which he supposed was kind of sad.

Thalia smiles at him and Nico blushes, looking down. He doesn't get many smiles like that.

"Where are we going?" he asks. For some reason, this time Thalia blushes.

"Well actually, my brother recently started working at this really good Italian place and I haven't seen him in such a long time. I was thinking we could surprise him? He wants to meet my friends anyways so..." she trails off, as if she said something offending.

"Sounds cool," Percy says, nodding. "Wanna head off?"

Thalia nods, and Leo and Nico agree. Annabeth and Rachel were just watching on the side, and when Percy moves into to kiss Annabeth goodbye, Nico has to look away. He makes eye contact with Thalia, who's staring at him pointedly. This time, Nico's gaze travels over to Leo, who's kicking at a rock on the ground with a happy thrill in the air.

And then they are getting in Percy's car, and Nico wonders how he ended up here.

By "here" he means being the one in the passenger's seat while Thalia and Leo get into the back, talking about...a band he thinks?

Either way, here he was, next to Percy, who just shut the driver's door. Suddenly, Nico couldn't breathe and he had to stare out the window to regain his emotional state at the moment.

He hated liking Percy so so much. All it brought him was stress. Plus, he was straight and taken.

The worst combination.

Nico sighs loudly, and of course, Percy mentions it. Thalia and Leo are still talking about things Nico could never contribute to because he's an unsociable creep.

"Bored already, Nico?" Percy teases. Nico undoubtedly blushes and he decides right then and there that he was an idiot. He ignores his flaming face and sighs again, but this time it makes Percy laugh. He likes Percy's laugh. It's loud and sort of weird, but that was what made it so special. God, Nico really was gone for him, wasn't he?

Meanwhile, in the back of the car, Thalia and Leo had stopped talking, and Nico could feel Thalia's stare on him. Leo, however, had already whipped out his headphones and started to listen to some band that Nico probably didn't know about.

Personally, Nico felt as if the air stilled and everything became awkward, but Percy doesn't really seem to mind all that much. Or he just didn't notice, which Nico doubts.

"So what's your brother's name, Thal?" Percy asks, making a smooth right turn, which Nico found creepily attractive.

" _I told you not to call me that_ ," Thalia hisses. Percy just laughs. "His name is Jason...and he's not like my actual brother- well he is, but he's a half-brother, not my full brother."

"I knew a guy named Jason once. He moved to Alabama or something," Percy comments.

"Most riveting, Percy. Truly. Don't know how I would've managed without that," Thalia says dryly.

"Wasn't it?" Percy smiles.

 _Jason_ , Nico recalled the other Jason from before and couldn't help but smile.

"See? Nico's smiling. He thinks I'm funny," Percy says, reaching over and ruffling his hair.

 _This is not fair_ , Nico thought as Percy then moved onto to pinch Nico's cheeks. Nico turned his head, embarrassed to the full extreme. He could not handle this. Nico managed to scoot away from Percy and Percy dropped his hand, not noticing anything strange apparently.

Good. That is good. Percy can't catch on. Then, it'd just be weird.

The rest of the car ride was all right, Nico supposed. He laughed a few times but most of the time he just stared at the window trying not to focus on the feel of Percy's hand through his hair.

It was terribly unpleasant.

Finally, they arrive and Nico breathes out a sigh of relief since now he won't be so enclosed in a space with Percy Jackson. Percy parked flawlessly and all four of them scrambled out.

"I'm starving," Leo moaned as he trudged his way forward. Thalia smirked and Percy laughed. Nico felt out of place all of a sudden and he was reminded of dinners out with his family. Sometimes they were fun, but after Bianca, there wasn't a point. Nico shook his head, seemingly trying to shake out all of those dark thoughts away for now. Not now. He shouldn't focus on such depressing things.

Percy's smile clears away all of those thoughts in a heartbeat.

The restaurant is small and it's one of those where you can pick where you sit rather than being led to a booth by a host or hostess.

They choose a booth off to the right side and Percy and Thalia get in together. Nico waits for Leo to scoot in and when he does, he finds himself staring right in front of Percy, and if they were alone right now, then it's a situation that could be considered a date.

But it's not.

Because first of all, there friends are here.

Also, Percy's straight and taken. So yeah that too.

Nico simply sighs.

"Hey, Nico di Angelo, right?" Nico turns to the source of the voice and finds himself looking up at Jason, who's smiling down at him. Thalia clears her throat.

"Why does everyone suddenly know Nico? And how do _you_ know him, Jason? And I come to see you for one of the first times in forever, and you don't even say hi?!" she exclaims, appearing pissed off, but Nico can tell she's teasing him. He knows what that's like well enough. Jason cracks an even wider smile if that was even possible.

"Oh hey didn't see you there, my _loving, most wonderful big sister_ ," Jason teases right back, and Thalia just grunts.

"So you're Jason, huh?" Leo asks.

"Yeah, you?"

"Leo Valdez, also known as one of the best people you'll ever get the pleasure to meet thank you very much," Leo answers sincerely. Jason just nods.

"I'm Percy, but actually I'm curious…how _do_ you know Nico?" Percy asks, returning his smile.

Jason just continues to grin. "Actually, I only met him this morning." Nico freezes. Oh no. That's not exactly what he told Percy. "We had coffee together and chatted a bit. He's funny, you know?"

Percy frowns and turns to look at Nico curiously who's now biting down on his tongue in terror. Will he ask him why he lied to him today? Nico hopes with all of his heart that he doesn't.

He doesn't.

But something is off.

Jason takes their orders, which takes a while since Thalia can't stop changing her order last minute just to screw with him, but when Nico sneaks a peek at Percy, he's still quiet.

The dinner actually goes by pretty quickly, but not because they're eating fast. Mainly, it's because it seemed that Nico was so focused on Percy that he didn't even realize that they've been there for almost an hour. As their parting, Jason calls out to them, well him at least.

"Hey Nico!"

Nico stops and turns to look around. He sees Percy stop for a second but then he continues to walk on to his car, their friends following him.

"Yeah?" Nico asks, hearing Percy start the car.

"You're pretty weird…okay well anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to exchange numbers? I'm having a party at my place soon and it'd be pretty cool if you showed up. You can invite Percy and Leo, but I figured it'd be less awkward if I told you because I sort of met you before already. Also, I didn't want to tell Thalia because then she'd kill me so…" he trails off laughing awkwardly. Nico nods and agrees.

"Yeah. Cool." They type their numbers into each other's phones quickly and suddenly that's done and Nico's back in the car with Percy.

The only sounds on the way back are each person's breaths and the music that softly reverberates throughout the car. It's awkward and tense and Nico has no clue as to why. Although, maybe that's just because Leo fell asleep on Thalia's lap and Thalia had tried three times already to remove him without succeeding. Nico didn't really know.

They drop off Leo first, who stumbles back inside as if he's dead, even though all they did was eat dinner and bowl all night. Nico thinks he's sort of strange.

Thalia's the next to closest and when she's dropped off with a wave, the awkwardness that resided in the car is worse than ever.

They drive in complete silence this time and Nico keeps trying to figure out what went wrong.

"Hey Nico?" Percy asks, suddenly. Nico freezes.

"Uh yeah?"

"We are pretty good friends, right? Like I've told you about my mom and stuff so you'd tell me about the stuff going on in your life, right?" Nico knows what he's talking about, but that's too much for him right now.

"Yeah? I mean…yeah," Nico finishes lamely and he silently wishes someone would come shoot him right about now. He's an idiot.

Percy pulls into a drive thru and Nico can't mistake the giant Starbucks sign looming above them.

"Why are we here?" Nico asks, not unkindly. Percy shrugs and smiles.

"Don't really know. I just thought that after clarifying that in such an awkward way that coffee was sort of our constant in our friendship. I mean, that's how we met too," Percy explains. As if Nico forgot.

"Oh…that's cool." Nico desperately hopes he doesn't sound too awkward but whatever, he figures he always sounds awkward and doesn't really see the crime in the end. Percy smiles again. Nico loves it.

Percy orders for the both of them, watering down the version that Nico normally gets at the cafe, and after paying, Nico's got coffee in his hands. It's warm, and he brings it up to his lips and tastes it.

He knows, technically, it's much better tasting than Percy's, but he only finds Percy's coffee endearing now, so to him, it's plainer. He doesn't tell Percy this of course.

They drive back in comfortable silence this time, making small talk every so often, and Nico wishes he actually had the right to lean over and kiss him when Percy stops at the cafe. Nico's still not comfortable with Percy knowing where he lives. He doesn't want anyone to know.

"See you tomorrow, Nico di Angelo," Percy smiles at him.

"See you tomorrow, Percy Jackson," Nico says back, before hastily getting out of the car and into his own home.

Percy's smile was still etched into his mind as he dropped the empty coffee cup into the trashcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts??


	7. part VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah not edited oops

Nico had stayed up all night finishing his stupid essay. His mind was so dead at the moment that he couldn't even remember what it was about. Maybe it was about the Opium War? Maybe it was about how utterly evil his professor was for assigning an essay. He didn't actually know but either way, the wretched thing was _done._

He glanced in the mirror, noticing how the dark lines under his eyes have only blackened more.

 _I look like walking death_ , he thinks shrewdly before patting his hair down a bit. His hair seemed to be even darker today and yeah, he looked very much like a sad, emotional boy who didn't know what he was going to do with his life.

Oh wait.

Nico sighed again and grabbed his overstuffed and unorganized bag and supposed that going off to class now would be for the better.

 _I better make a spectacular grade on this essay_ , he thought as he rubbed his eyes and locked his apartment.

* * *

Nico sat at his usual table in the library totally _not_ cleaning up the table a bit because of Percy's soon to be arrival. It didn't really matter anyway because first of all, Percy, from what he has gathered stalking him and talking to him, is not all that neat. As Nico swiped off the bit of crumbs ( _and really, why are there crumbs here?)_ he caught sights of his wrists again. It's not like he doesn't see them or something, but when he does, he doesn't focus on the faint scars.

Nico pursed his lips, tracing the thumb of his other hand over the scar.

"Hey, Nico," Percy says, sliding into the chair across from Nico. Nico instantly looks away and drops his hand before meeting Percy's gaze. Percy frowns at him, a smile frozen on his face and Nico sees his eyes flicker down to Nico's wrist, which Nico is trying to hide under the table. Percy stares for approximately two seconds before looking back up at Nico and smiling even wider. Nico just lets out an internal relieved sigh before smiling back.

"Hi, Percy," he says.

"How are you?" Percy asks politely. Nico smiles.

"Good. Stayed up all night though," he wistfully answers. Nico is such a poet.

"Really? Why?"

"Had an essay due," is what Nico replies. Percy nods and his eyes flicker back down to Nico's wrist. _Oh no._ Thankfully, Percy remains quiet, which is fine at first until the silence between them becomes a little awkward. Nico clears his throat. Distraction. He needs a distraction. "So, are you going to the party?"

Percy frowns.

Wait.

Nico has not told him about Jason's party yet. Oops. Well, he'll tell him now, won't he?

"What party?" Percy asks, on cue and Nico rubs his hand in response.

"Oh. Guess I forgot to tell you. Jason has invited you and Leo to his upcoming party. Don't tell Thalia though because apparently she'll kill him if she finds out," he trails off. "Oh, and he said he'd text me when it is so if you wanna go then just…text me?"

That was the moment that he realized that he did not have Percy Jackson's phone number. Percy also seemed to realize this.

"Oh. Sounds cool, I guess, but I think I'd need my number for you to text me though, right?" he asks.

"Uh yeah," Nico eloquently replies. Percy just grins at him and pulls out his phone.

"Here. I'll put it in right now," he says. Nico's eyes widen and he has to blink a few times. Right. Number.

After telling Percy his number, Percy says he'll text him later so Nico will have his as well. Nico accepts that information with a small smile and a nod. He really needs to learn how to deal with liking Percy better. Or is it love? No...he'll deal with that particular issue later.

"So...how did you meet Jason?" Percy asks, cutting into his thoughts. Nico blinks at him in surprise.

"Uh...wait, didn't he say already?" Nico remembers Jason saying where they met. At least, Nico thought so. It's why he was so freaked out when Percy realized that he was indeed not at the hospital all day. Right?

"Oh. He did? I don't remember," Percy responds, a small frown on his face. Nico's a little confused.

"We met in your café actually. He just came in and I don't know, we just talked. He's a pretty cool guy, I guess. Do you think so?" Nico asks. He could definitely see Percy and Jason being friends, but he could also see why they wouldn't be. They'd probably clash over stupid things like where to hang out or what pizza they should order.

"He's cool, I suppose. I don't really know him well enough," Percy shrugs in response. Something's off. Nico doesn't know what, but he doesn't question any further. He has secrets from Percy so it only makes sense if Percy has secrets from him as well.

"Yeah. That makes sense," Nico simply says. What else is he supposed to say?

An awkward lull in their conversation follows and doesn't pick up pace again. Nico shifts, but right before he can open his mouth to say something else, Percy's standing up and saying something about how it's time for the next class.

Already? Seriously? Nico looks at the time and realizes that _oh, it_ is.

"Oh. Well, see you later, Percy?" he asks. Percy nods.

"Yeah, see you, Nico. I'll text you, okay?"

Nico can only manage a nod before Percy's rushing out. Strange. It's not like he's usually that on time with other classes.

Nico packs up his things leisurely. All his dad's money after all.

* * *

"You're Nico, right?"

Nico looks up and meets the gaze of a tough looking girl who looks like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

"Yes?" Nico asks and answers. Why is she talking to him? _Please go away_.

"I'm supposed to give you this," she says, stuffing a piece of paper in his face. Nico's startled and a little confused.

"Okay?"

"Bye," is all she says before strutting off. Nico blinks. What even?

He glances down at the paper and freezes.

_**Secrets are for liars.** _

That's all it says. Nico looks up to see if he can call back the scary girl, but she's already gone. He looks back down at the paper and frowns. What is this? Nico thought the fact that someone took the time to write this and send it via some messenger was quite funny, even though it was kind of creepy. Secrets?

Nico had a lot of secrets, but no one else here knows about that. That's why they are called secrets.

Nico reads over the note again before scrunching it up into a wad of paper. He doesn't need this. This is stupid. He can't handle dealing with some stupid cryptic message that someone sends via a scary messenger girl.

And then Nico feels his phone buzz in his pocket and smiles softly at the conveniently timed text message. That's a good distraction, he supposes.

He feels his stomach turn over when he sees it's Percy. Of course it is. Who else texts him?

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 2:46 pm**

**hiii nico! this is percy!**

**how are yuo since i've lsat seen you?**

Nico saved Percy's number in his phone and frowned over the misspelled words before remembering that Percy was dyslexic. Oh right.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 2:48 pm**

**hello percy. this is nico. okay you already knew that.**

**i'm good thanks.**

Why is Nico so awkward? Nico sighs. He's a failure. He waits a few minutes but Percy doesn't respond so Nico figures that he really is a failure. Maybe he should have asked how Percy was as well? He sighs. Like he knows.

Whatever. It's fine. He's headed home anyway. He has too much work to do rather than focus on some straight boy who doesn't like you back.

Yeah. Too much work.

* * *

When Nico gets home the first thing he thinks to himself is how freezing it is. Why why why is it always so cold in this damn apartment? He walks over the heater and turns it all the way up. Not like it's actually going to warm up the much. He's learned a while back that the stupid thing is broken.

He shivers sightly, pulling on his black jacket as if it'll help him warm up (it doesn't).

As always, Nico learned very few things today, and yet he still walked out with an inordinate amount of projects due all too soon.

What is he usually doing at this time of day that he's not doing now that's making him so freaking tired? Nico yawns, thinking for a brief second before remembering _oh yeah, coffee._

After turning the coffee machine on and doing all of the necessary preparations to make his coffee, he sits down at his small dining table and opens up his textbook.

And stares at it. Ugh. Why is doing this college thing again? Hell, what is even going to do after college?

Nico has absolutely no idea.

He chews on his nails for a second, glaring at the offending projects laid out in front of him before looking up when he hears the coffee machine beep. Why does his even beep? He's pretty sure others don't do that.

He makes himself some crappy cup of coffee with too much sugar in and too little milk and is about to sit back down until he notices the number "1" is flashing back at him from his home phone. Who called him? He never gets calls, not even on his cell phone. Why did someone call his home phone?

The only person he can even think of who has this number is—oh.

Nico closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He could ignore it. He can always ignore it and pretend that he never saw it. Who even has a home phone these days anyway? He can say that he doesn't check it. He could do all of this so why is he taking the three steps forward to press play.

Maybe he's a masochist. Obviously. If he's setting himself up to listen to this. He wonders why he's calling though. He never calls to just "chat". He only calls to yell at him so why is he calling now?

What has he done that gets him to yell at him? Nico lets out a breath he wasn't even aware he was holding and…it's ridiculous, isn't it? He's here _alone._ It's not like he's actually _here._ It's just a phone call! Why why why is he freaking out so much? Why can't he _stop freaking out?_

He sighs and presses play before he can talk himself out of it.

There's a long breath before his father actually starts speaking but it fills Nico's body with a scared anticipation and _why is he listening to this?_

"I suppose you're at school right now. I wonder if you're going to pretend like you didn't fucking listen to this, you ungrateful boy. Don't even try. I know you're listening to this and I know you'll think about pretending that you never heard this, but guess what? I know you did, but do you want to know why I'm calling you? You want to know?! You know who I just had the _extraordinary pleasure_ of talking to? You know who, you little fuck?! _The fucking hospital, Di Angelo!_ You know what they told me?! _They told me they found you passed out on the street!_ I thought we were fucking down with this shit, Di Angelo. You want to be an embarrassment? Is that what you're trying to do? Guess what? _You already are!_ Stop passing out on streets because you're _"sad". Stop. It._ If I get another fucking phone call to tell me how much of an embarrassment you are one more time, I will come up there to your little college that _I'm_ paying for by the way and whoop your ass. Understand, Di Angelo? Does your little brain understand that? Or are you just too "sad" to understand? Huh? Fuck. Goodbye. Don't call me back, but don't give _me_ a reason to call you back _. Got it?"_

And then the phone line is a long tone and Nico's heart is hammering so loudly in his chest, he feels like he can't breathe. _Di Angelo Di Angelo Di Angelo._ His own father can't even call him by his first name out of shame. Nico hates him.

He hates everything about him.

Yet, he's still affected. Why is he still affected? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. _It doesn't matter._

He's heard it all before—multiple times even, so it _shouldn't matter._

Nico feels the tears pricking at his eyes and he angrily wipes them away. He's done with crying. _Utterly done with it._ He glances down at his hands and notices the red burn forming on his hands.

He was clutching onto the coffee cup too tightly, it seems. Maybe he's holding onto everything too tightly. He's about to take another sip before suddenly, his phone goes off. This time it's his cellphone.

Oh fuck, it's not his father, is it? It can't be, right? He doesn't have access to this number…he never gave it to him. Fuck no no no no. He pulls out with shaky hands and brings it out to inspect.

Percy's name flashes at him. Nico blinks. Wh—why is Percy calling him?

 _Why does he always call at the wrong times?_ Or anything? Why is Percy always here once more to distract him from something seemingly terrible?

He can't let his emotions start depending on Percy Jackson. Nico sighs heavily before accepting the call and bringing his phone up to his ear.

"Hello?" he asks. He hopes his voice sounds normal rather than on guard like how he is.

"Hey, Nico? So, it seems I'll probably be missing Jason's party," he says, laughter filling his voice. Nico wonders what made him so happy. He wishes something could make him that happy (how depressing).

"Oh. Okay. Why?" It's morbid curiosity is what it is. That's all.

"Well, I'm going out of town to stay with one of my mom's old friends. Mom's condition seems to be getting worse so I took a vacation from the café to go and see him." Nico lets himself let out a small laugh. Why is he laughing? Why is he doing anything? Damnit.

"Oh, well. Have fun?" he says. "Shame that you'll miss the party though. I probably won't even go." That's also true. He probably won't go. He would've only gone if Percy had gone and that was questionable at first. Now, it was certain. Percy also laughs.

"Nah, you should go. You'll have fun. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have even gone if not for you, but that's why I'm calling you. I feel bad so," Percy explains with such an ease that it must not mean much, but it still makes Nico's stomach do summersaults.

"Well, we'll see, right?"

"No, _you'll see_ ," Percy jokes. Nico rolls his eyes. Idiot.

"Okay whatever. You're keeping me from my studies, Jackson," is what he says, glaring once again at his textbooks. Percy laughs, obviously thrilled.

"But I thought emo freaks like you don't study?" Percy jokingly mocks. Nico wouldn't care even if Percy had meant it, but since he knows he's just kidding, he can feel himself relax.

"Yeah, well, I'm an exception, I guess."

Percy's silent for a moment before sighing out in agreement, "Yup. I guess you are."

Nico nods even though Percy can't see him.

"I really do have to go," he says. _Before I completely break apart._ He doesn't say that bit out loud though. Percy laughs again.

"Alright alright. See you later, Nico di Angelo," he says. Nico smiles, despite his bad humour.

"See you later, Percy Jackson," he replies.

"Did you know my real first name is actually Perseus?" Percy suddenly says, already getting completely off track. Nico rolls his eyes.

"Wow. You're such a freak. How do you live with yourself with that horror of a name?" he teases. Teasing. Who would have thought Nico would come down to teasing?

"Well, we can't all have cool names like you, Nico di Angelo," Percy replies. "Oh. Sorry for holding you up. I suppose you do actually have a life, right? Alright. Talk to you later, Nico!"

"Bye, Percy," Nico says, before hearing the dial tone.

Dial tone dial tone dial tone.

He thinks back on his father's voicemail and shuts his eyes. _Don't think about it. Don't think about it._

Instead, he takes another tentative sip from his cup of coffee, trying to relive the conversation he just had with him. It's lame, but it's working.

His control over his own emotions be damned.

Nico frowns. He's dug himself into a hole with Percy and even though it seems that Percy has several ladders at hand, Nico doesn't have any way out.

Not one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments!! :)


	8. part VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple more chapters until we're caught up!! Not edited so yeah.

Nico ends up not going to the party and he supposes he should feel bad, but he doesn't.

Leo went though and apparently met some girl named Hazel that he can't seem to stop talking about and Nico honestly has no idea how he knows that considering he's barely spoken to Leo since that one night. Maybe, it was simply because of the name Hazel which only reminds him of his half-sister he never talks to.

Nico sighs and lies back down on his bed. He doesn't know what he really wants to do. Percy is still out of town and it's not like he has much friends. Except for Leo, it seems, which is strange, because like he said, it's not like they've spoken.

Nico doesn't even know.

Sighing again, he sits back up. He supposes he could get through some of the homework assigned to him by his dreadful professors that he might've actually liked if not for their need to give out work. He looks over at the growing stack on his desk and shakes his head and lies back down again.

His apartment ceiling is in desperate need for paint job. He doesn't want to do it.

Damn. Nico's bored. He needs to do something. What did he even do before he got here? Ah yes. He hung out with Bianca and all of her weird friends. He swears half of them had been lesbians. Not that that's a bad thing considering him.

That's not how their father used to view it though. Can Nico still consider his father as "theirs" when Bianca was dead? Does his father become his own or both of theirs still? Nico doesn't know and sits abruptly back to avoid these dangerously stupid thoughts.

He sighs. Damn. He is incredibly bored.

Standing up, he stretches and rubs his neck. He heads to the kitchen, looks around once, twice, and then three times before he finally just grabs his jacket and leaves the apartment.

* * *

He goes to the café anyway and sits at his usual table. No one is at the register, but he figures it's probably Luke who's working today. So, he doesn't particularly care if he stays behind the register or not.

Although maybe he should considering the fact he came here for coffee.

The bell of the door opening breaks his attention and he glances at the door.

It's Jason.

"Hey! Nico!" Jason calls out loudly, immediately heading toward Nico. Nico smiles at him, and Jason sits down across from him.

"Hi, Jason," Nico says. It's also at this time that Luke comes out.

"Jason! How have you been, kid? Was starting to worry about you," Luke laughs. He walks over to them and pats Jason on the shoulder before turning his gaze to Nico. "And Nico! Want the usual?"

"Sure," he mumbles.

Luke stares at him for a few seconds before sighing and looking back at Jason. "And you, Your Grace? Regular as well?" Nico's confused at the royal phrasing.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny. Just get me the vanilla bean macchiato. I'm feeling very vanilla today."

Luke laughs. "Whatever, Your Grace."

Yeah. Nico doesn't get what's happening with the whole "Grace" thing.

Once Luke starts walking away, skip in his step and orders in his head, Nico asks him.

"So, what's with the whole 'Grace' thing?"

Jason raises an eyebrow. Nico feels like he should be getting something here.

"Uhm. My last name? Grace? As well as Thalia's? Remember how we're like related?"

Nico feels like an idiot.

"Oh," he says, embarrassed of his entire existence. Jason just laughs though.

"So, what are you doing here all alone, Nico di Angelo?"

"Don't know," Nico honestly replies. "I'm just here."

Jason frowns, but doesn't say anything. Nico is starting to find his hands incredibly interesting. Nico manages to look back up at the blonde-haired boy. Jason looks as if he's about to say something, but then Luke is already there, sliding the coffees onto the table. Nico has to wonder how in the hell did he make them so fast? They both pay, a questionable silence hanging between them as Luke smiles widely when he grabs the money.

"So, where's Percy?" Jason asks as soon as Luke is back behind the register.

"He's visiting a friend of his mom's or something like that," he says, blowing at his coffee.

"Oh," Jason replies, opting to stir his around. "You didn't come to the party."

It's not accusatory, but Nico still grimaces. Oh yeah. He'd forgotten that it was Jason's party in the first place.

"Sorry. I didn't feel too well that day," Nico says. It's not exactly a lie since he really didn't feel well, but it wasn't like he had been sick or something. Just sad.

"No, it's alright. Really. I was just looking forward to hanging with you. I always love new friends," Jason smiles, taking another sip of his coffee. Nico studies him for a few seconds, wondering if he's just saying that so Nico won't feel bad, but he looks too honest to be lying.

"I don't have many friends," Nico says in response, feeling a little awkward about it. He wishes Percy was here.

"Sure you do, Nico! You have Percy, Thalia, Annabeth, Leo, Luke, Rachel, and me! That's more than enough! Seriously. You're fine," Jason assures him, smiling to the fullest. Nico doesn't think he's seen anyone happier.

Nico nods, feeling slightly happier about himself and he grips his coffee cup harder. It's still quite hot.

"Thanks, Jason," he finally mumbles into the cup, refusing by all standards to absolutely not meet his gaze.

"Anytime, Nico," replies Jason, still smiling.

Nico takes another sip.

It tastes great.

* * *

Nico went home feeling elated and a little sad to see his weekend come to an end. Jason told him about another party he was thinking about having for one of his friend's birthday and pre-invited Nico. Nico accepted with a small nod and the breath of an "okay, yeah, sure".

After he got home and turned the heater up like always, he settled onto his couch and pulled out his phone. He forgot to unmute it and was surprised to see that he had four text messages.

Nico doesn't think he's ever had four text messages.

Okay, yeah. Bianca. But that was only when she'd text him to do something she didn't want to do because she was being lazy.

Damn. Nico misses her.

When Nico sees Percy as one of the people who sent him a text, he freezes. He sent him two. Percy sent him two text messages while he was out. Did something bad happen to him? Is that why he texted him? Oh damn. He missed the messages that could've saved Percy's life.

Nico needs to calm down.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**received 4:56 pm**

**hey nico! so i just had coffee and i had to wonder if luke's coffee was any macth for mine! it's not** **rihgt? haha**

Nico refuses to be endeared.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**received 6:24 pm**

**oh dog it is, isn't it**

Nico thought about it. Luke's coffee was pretty well-made, and there was always something wrong with Percy's cups, but he was definitely still rooting for Percy.

Not because he was biased or anything.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 7:52 pm**

**maybe**

Nico smiles down at his phone and decides to see about the other two messages. One of them is from Jason. He smiles when he remembers how Jason made him change his name to "Your Grace" in his contacts. Nico swore he'd change it to something awful when he got home, but he thinks the name is sort of growing on him.

Friendship be damned.

**to: nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 7:25**

**you're a really rad friend, di angelo :)**

Nico agrees that Jason's a good friend as well. He sends back a quick "you too" and goes onto the next text. Damnit. His wrists are starting to itch again all of a sudden.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 6:00 pm**

**secrets are for liars**

Nico frowns down at the message, remembering the same message he got a few days ago. Who was doing this to him?

**to: unknown number**

**from: nico**

**sent 7:56 pm**

**who is this?**

It's not like he expected a response right away, but he kind of wishes he got one. He wants to know who the hell keeps saying that to him. Plus, how did they get his number? It's not as if he goes around willingly giving it out. Also, secrets aren't for liars. Secrets are for him and his own sanity.

He can't go around talking about his dead sister.

He can't just bring up his old suicidal tendencies in the middle of a conversation.

He can't talk about his fucking father to people who don't really care.

So, why does this creep keep calling him a liar?

He's not a liar.

He misses Bianca so much.

Nico decides to do homework.

He ends up falling asleep while writing his name repeatedly on his assignment.

* * *

Nico wakes up too early for his liking. The sun isn't even shining yet, but the tip of it is starting to peek out from the horizons. Nico groans and shifts his head on the table. His back hurts and he has a pencil pressed up against his cheek.

Damnit. He has classes today.

Yawning, he sits up and organizes his stuff together and then checks his phone. Both Percy and Jason have responded. The unknown creep has not.

He groans and glances at the time.

It's nearly six in the morning. His first class is at nine today.

Why is he awake?

Standing up, he makes his way to his bedroom and collapses on his bed. It's uncomfortable and as Nico's face is pressed hard into the pillow, he notices that he needs to turn the heater up again as he's starting to shiver.

Damn this apartment's air conditioner. It's as if he's living in Antarctica or something. It's not as if he's not miserable enough already.

Nico closes his eyes and sleeps for the next two hours.

* * *

Nico doesn't say a single word while at school. It's as if he's not even there. All he can think about is Bianca. All he can focus on is the dull pain in his wrists and the need, the urge, the itch to do something about it. All he seems to be is absolutely nothing at all.

Nico wants to go home.

He still hasn't responded to the texts Percy and Jason sent him, but it doesn't matter to him right now.

He wants to go home.

His professor keeps staring at him from where he's seated and he supposes it's because he's not taking this practice test. He's just staring straight ahead into something undoubtedly more interesting than him. It's not even a real test. It's a practice test. What teacher assigns practice tests in college?

Nico wants to go home.

When class is dismissed, he's the first out, handing his guesswork to the professor quickly and assuredly awkwardly. He moves to his next class quickly. Oh wait. He doesn't have class. But he has class in two hours.

Nico doesn't want to talk to anybody at all.

He goes into the library.

He grabs a book.

He sits down and opens it.

For two hours, his wrist itches and he memorizes the same four paragraphs.

He wants to go home.

* * *

When Nico gets home, he drowns himself in his homework.

He doesn't respond to the texts.

He misses Bianca.

* * *

The next morning classes go by quickly and Nico's back at home again. He supposes he should visit the hospital to see that Dr. Jasons guy, but he doesn't really want to. Besides, they haven't called him in or anything. It's not a big deal. He's not going to make it a big deal.

His phone buzzes, but he ignores it, opting to rub his fingers over his wrists. He wishes the scars weren't still there.

His phone buzzes again. He ignores it.

The phone doesn't seem to care and keeps buzzing and it's when Nico finally sighs and flips it over to see who's texting him that he sees that it's actually someone calling him.

That someone is Percy Jackson.

"Hello?" he answers before it could buzz anymore.

"Hey, Nico?" Something is wrong. Percy doesn't sound well.

"Yeah, hey, Percy. Hey. Uhmm…yeah?"

"So, would it be okay if I crashed at your place today? I mean…if you have room or would be willing to obviously," he says. Nico freezes because…what?

"Wait, aren't you out of town?" is the first thing that comes out of Nico's mouth. Everybody hates him. Including the universe.

"Well, let's just say I'm coming back three days early. Sorry. I lost the key to my apartment and my roommate isn't in so I can't get in…." Percy says, and Nico hasn't heard such an obvious lie in such a long time. Logically, there are many things that could be done. Such as going to ask the landlord to let him in.

Nico doesn't call him out on it. "Uh. Yeah. Sure. I don't have a roommate so it's fine. There's not a bed in the other room though…so the only place you'd be able to sleep would be on the couch. Is that okay?"

Percy lets out a sigh of relief (at least that's what it sounds like to Nico). "That's great! Thanks so much by the way! Can you just text me your address?"

Percy doesn't sound happy at all. Nico says, "Yeah. See you soon."

* * *

Percy arrives around eleven o'clock at night and when Nico opens the door, he looks absolutely dreadful. Still cute though. Damn Nico's crush. His green eyes seem to be piercing into Nico's very soul. Whatever that means.

Percy lets out a tired smile when he sees Nico. "Hey. Seriously. Thanks for letting me stay here, Nico."

"No problem," Nico says, stepping aside to let Percy in. "So, how was the visit?" Nico is trying to make small talk. He is dreadful at small talk. Why was he born? Shit.

Percy's smile immediately drops. Oh crap. This is why Nico doesn't make small talk.

"She wrote a will already," is what Percy finally says before dropping onto the couch. Nico stops in his tracks.

"Your mother?" he asks.

"Yeah," he replies. "When I was visiting, he told me he was going to show me the will. He even got it out and everything. Fuck. It was already stamped too! It's an actual, legitimate will, and then…I left."

Nico knows why he's here now.

"And you called me," Nico says, filling in the rest of the unplanned story.

Percy nods. "Yeah. Sorry. It's just…I don't really want to deal with Annabeth right now. Or the others. They just don't understand."

"And I do?" Nico asks. It's not like he doesn't. He does. He just wants to know why Percy seems to think so as well.

"I think so," is Percy's reply. It's a good answer. It's honest. Percy looks tired. Nico probably looks tired as well.

Nico nods and makes his way to the kitchen, deciding it's probably best for the both of them if he doesn't respond. He doesn't want to think about Bianca and his father right now. He's been doing that for the past two days. And Percy's mother might die. This isn't something he has to be here for as a guy who has a crush, but as a friend. That's what Bianca would say.

"You want coffee?" he calls from the kitchen, and he hears Percy give a weak laugh in response.

"Is that supposed to be a joke, di Angelo?"

"It could be!" he replies, already making it. He gives a tight smile down into the coffee. Percy makes him happier.

He doesn't know if he's supposed to hold onto that or let go.

He doesn't think he really wants to decide right now.

While the coffee is brewing, he goes to sit next to Percy on the couch.

Percy's asleep.

Nico gives another tight-lipped smile as he watches Percy shift into a better position. Well, there goes that whole coffee thing.

After turning off the coffee pot and the lights, he heads to his room after a quiet "Goodnight, Percy Jackson".

His room is freezing of course and he changes into something more comfortable before settling into bed.

He's about to turn off his light when his phone buzzes. He frowns and reaches to pick it up.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received: 12:00 pm**

**bianca**

Nico drops the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	9. part IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg y'all bless your lucky stars that I already have the next few chapters written out b/c I'm pretty sure the first time I ever posted the last chapter, my readers had to wait WEEKS haha I forgot how much that last cliffhanger annoyed people my baddddd

When Nico wakes up, his head is pounding and he doesn't know why. It takes him a moment to take in the smell of bacon and the light that's streaming through his window. He groans and sits up, noticing his phone on the floor. Damnit. He forgot to charge it.

As he bent down to pick it up, he freezes, remembering why it was on the ground in the first place.

That unknown number person who texted him his sister's name last night. Who is it? Why in the hell are they harassing him so much? Plus, what does "secrets are for liars" even mean in the grand scheme of things?

Nico needs to just stop and forget about it. He can just ignore it. If he ignores it, then it'll go away. That mantra worked for most of his childhood and he's still here. Hopefully, it'll work once again and the person will just stop harassing him with things he would rather not be brought up.

He yawns and stands up, remembering that he's smelling bacon. Oh shit. Percy's here. Wait, so is Percy making bacon? Did he even have bacon to make? Where did Percy get the bacon? What's going on?

After getting ready, he walks out and sees Percy grumbling to himself as he prods at bacon on the stove. Nico has to hold back a laugh. The bacon looks absolutely burned to crisp. Geesh. Does this boy have any good cooking skills?

When Percy accidentally flips one of the bacon onto the floor and hurriedly picks it up before putting it back in the pan, Nico lets out a loud laugh. Percy stills and turns around to face him, a horrified expression on his face. Nico's too busy laughing to really care about his crush's embarrassment. When was the last time that Nico has laughed so much anyway?

"Please tell me you didn't just see that," Percy says quickly.

"I didn't just see that," Nico says, smirking a tiny bit, breaking his composure. Percy groans and quickly tosses the bacon into the trash.

"I'm not a good cook," is what he finally settles with.

Nico hasn't felt this happy in a long time. Percy seems to be as easy to talk with as Bianca was. It's nice.

"I figured that out when you dropped the burnt bacon," Nico says, surprising himself. Nico di Angelo is on fire today. And did he seriously just think that?

Percy pouts and settles for just turning off the stove. The bacon continues to sizzle and Nico scrunches up his nose when he starts to smell the charred part of the bacon. Now his kitchen smells like unmade coffee and charred bacon. Great.

Percy looks absolutely miserable. He glances at the bacon and then at Nico before repeating the same process once more.

"I'm sorry," he laughs, scratching at the back of his neck. "I'm definitely not the next Gordon Ramsay."

Nico has absolutely no idea who that is, but he laughs anyway. He figures it's some good chef or something. He doesn't know. He makes a mental note to look him up later (he most likely won't).

"Really, it's fine. I don't normally eat breakfast anyway," says Nico.

Percy frowns. "You don't?"

"No. I usually wake up too late or I'm just not hungry."

Percy suddenly looks very alarmed. "Oh shit. You have class today. What time?" Percy asks.

"Nine. What time is it now?"

Percy quickly checks his phone. Nico figures he could've done the same. "Uh...it's almost eight ten. Do you need to go?"

Oops. Yeah. Nico needs to go.

"Yeah. Damn. Okay. I need to leave like now. Just put the bacon in the trash...or eat it? I don't know. I didn't mean to make that sound so harsh, sorry. Okay, but, just let yourself out. Are you going out? I don't kn—"

"Nico, calm down. I'm leaving soon. Probably when you leave. Just go get ready, alright?" Percy says, smiling slightly. Nico sort of wants to kiss him. He doesn't though because that'd be a little weird.

Plus, he's straight, remember?

Nico only wishes he could forget.

"Wait, aren't you going?"

"Eh. I'll go tomorrow, I think. I'm back early anyway," Percy says.

"Oh. Oh, yeah. Well...see you soon!"

"See you later, Nico di Angelo," is the last thing he hears as he shuts the door.

* * *

Nico's first class goes by dreadfully slow and the absolute burning desire to jump out of the window doesn't help him at all. Will he honestly ever actually enjoy going to school?

No. The answer there is absolutely not.

When the class is dismissed and his professor glares at him once more, he quickly rushes out of the classroom and toward the library. He just wants to go somewhere quiet.

Once he settles into his usual place, he grabs his English textbook and starts studying. He has an exam in two weeks and he really wants to ace this one. He just wants to get out of school already or maybe decide his major already. Seriously. What is he going to do with his life?

About thirty minutes into his time off, Thalia and Annabeth come around the corner of the bookshelf and hang out between the bookshelves. Nico doesn't draw their attention. He doesn't really want to talk to anybody today.

"So, he's ignoring all of your calls?" Thalia asks, loud enough for Nico to hear. Nico sighs to himself. Seriously. He supposes he should feel sort of bad about how much he overhears things, but really, it's completely their fault. Why are they talking loud enough for the entirety of the United States to hear? Seriously. He could call the President and even _he'd_ be able to tell him what they said or is going to say. Nico already knows it.

"Yeah. I've called him three times in the past hour and he hasn't picked up one of them. And it's not like I normally do this. I'm not this type of girl, but you know what's happening with his mom...it's just tragic. I want to be there for him, but...it's like he's not letting me," Annabeth sighs. Nico's eyes widen. Oh. So, they're talking about Percy. Maybe, he just becomes attuned to what people are saying when Percy is going to be mentioned.

Okay, hopefully not because that'd be a little strange.

Also, Percy's ignoring all of her calls now?

"Yeah. I've called him and he didn't pick up for me either." Nico thinks that Percy might just be missing them. Thalia seems to agree. "Maybe, he's just not on his phone. Or it's on silent or something like that."

Nico nods, before realizing that's a little strange for someone who's sitting alone. Thalia has a point.

Annabeth sighs. "I don't know. I honestly think he's just ignoring me. Apparently, he got back in town yesterday because that's what Paul told me, but I'm not too sure. Where did he stay? I asked his roommate, but the guy was high as hell and said that he wasn't in. Said something about dolphins too..."

"Dolphins?"

Annabeth sighs again. "Yeah. I don't know. It's just...where did he stay at then?"

"I don't know," Thalia answers after a long pause. "Look. Why don't you just leave him be for a bit and then call him later on? See if he picks up then. And if he doesn't...then well, go over to his apartment and smash his head or something. I don't know. Whatever it is you do, Chase."

Annabeth laughs. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, is this it?"

"What?"

"The book you were looking for?"

"Oh yeah, hey! Sweet! I need to read this for my Environmental class."

"Well, cool. Come on. Let's go check it out," Annabeth says, and Nico hears them walking away toward the front desk. He lets out a sigh of relief and puts his head down on his open book.

So...Percy's most likely ignoring all of his friends' calls, huh? Is it because of what he said last night? About how it was because they don't understand him? Would Percy pick up for him?

Grabbing his phone, he opens up Percy's contact info and presses the call button. He brings it up to his ear and listens to the rings echo through. When he's finally sent to voice mail, he just sighs and puts it back in his pocket.

It seems that he's not picking up anyone's calls, or he's just not seeing them.

Whatever. Nico lets out a soft sigh. It's not a big deal or anything.

Nico closes his eyes and breathes out deeply. He just wants to go home.

* * *

When Nico gets home, the first thing he notices is Percy's jacket on his couch. Okay. So Percy forgot his jacket. He puts his crap on his kitchen table and walks over to it, picking it up. The material is nice and just from holding it, he can smell Percy.

He decides to put it back down before he does anything he might regret.

He supposes he should tell him he forgot it.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 2:26 pm**

**hey percy! you forgot your jacket at my house so?**

Why is Nico so blissfully awkward?

Percy texts back almost instantly.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**received 2:27 pm**

**oh prac. can i get it tonight? around 7ish or sometihng? is that okay?**

Okay. So seven is fine.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 2:29 pm**

**yeah. that's cool**

Nico tries his best to ignore the summersaults in his stomach.

He pretty much fails.

He tucks his phone away and goes over to his home phone to check his voicemails.

He hopes his father hasn't called him.

The first two messages are just people trying to sell him stuff, which he deletes right away. All of this propaganda gets to be a little too much sometimes.

The next message is from the hospital.

"Hello. This message is for...Nico di Angelo. I repeat, this message is for...Nico di Angelo. I am calling to inform you of an appointment that is scheduled for ten o'clock in the morning on Sunday, the 21st. It is at NorthRidge Hospital with Dr. Jasons. To call back for questions, please dial..."

Nico calls back. After three rings, the phone is picked up.

"NorthRidge Psychology Department. How may I help you?"

"Yes. Hello. My name is Nico di Angelo and I was called today about an appointment that I have scheduled on Sunday at ten in the morning?"

"Nico di Angelo?"

"Yes."

"Let me check...ah yes. You have an appointment with Dr. Jasons at that time. Do you have any questions?" she asks him happily.

"Uhm, well, yes. I never scheduled an appointment, you see," he explains.

"You didn't?"

"No," he says.

"It says here that...Hades di Angelo called in and made an appointment due to his concern for the well-being of your health. It seems that Dr. Jasons agreed and scheduled it," she says.

"Wait. So, my father called in for me?"

"It appears so," she answers.

"But w-why? How can he even do that? He doesn't have legal control over me," he says.

"If he is concerned enough or seriously thinks something is wrong with your well-being then he is perfectly allowed to ask for an appointment for you. However, in the end, it is up for the doctor in question to decide, and it seems that Dr. Jasons agreed. Is this okay, sir? Would you like me to reschedule the appointment?"

Nico sighs. What is going on? "No, no. It's okay. Just keep it. Thank you. Have a good day."

"You too, sir," she echoes, and Nico hangs up quickly.

Nico sighs and falls back against his couch. It's lumpy as always and he's just noticing the ridiculous air conditioning again.

His father made an appointment for him? After that huge rant he gave to him the other day about how he didn't want to be shamed or something stupid like that? What was the bastard thinking by doing this?

He glances at the time and sees that it's almost three. He should definitely write that paper he has due for his Biology class. He groans. Damnit. He doesn't want to, but he picks himself up and makes his way over to his kitchen table, turning up the heat on the way over there.

It becomes noticeably warmer.

Good.

He's been too cold lately.

* * *

Jason texts Nico right before Percy is about to show up.

**to: nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 6:49 pm**

**hey, di angelo! so, remember that party i mentioned? well, it's this saturday at seven. my house. i'll text you the address in a minute.**

Nico raises his eyebrows in surprise. Jeez. How quickly can Jason organize parties? What does he even do in his spare time? Speaking of which, what does Jason do for money and stuff?

The next text that follows is the information and Jason asking him if he can come, and if he can, he can bring as many people as he wants.

**to: Your Grace**

**from: nico**

**sent 6:52 pm**

**probably. idk. i'll have to see, man.**

The doorbell rings and Nico stuffs his phone back in his pocket quickly. Percy's here.

He opens it and Percy smiles at him, all green eyes and lop-sided grin.

"Hey, Percy," he says.

"Nico. Sorry about the late-night jacket thing haha. I'm always forgetting things," he says.

"No, it's alright. It's not like I was doing anything important," Nico assures him, leading him inside. He grabs the jacket and hands it to Percy. It feels warm in his hands. He doesn't know why.

Percy throws him another too-gorgeous smile and accepts it back.

"Wow. Look at it. It's good as new! You really know how to look after long-lost jackets, Nico," he teases.

Nico rolls his eyes. "I had to learn because _someone_ keeps forgetting them."

Percy grins at him. "I wonder who that could be."

Nico lets out a laugh and watches Percy place the jacket over the crook of his elbow on his right arm. It looks comfortable. Nico should not be as jealous as he is. Damn crushes.

"Want some coffee?" Nico asks suddenly, trying to be funny.

He doesn't actually expect Percy to say "yes", but then Percy's nodding. "Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I go back to work tomorrow by the way. I can't wait." His voice is dripping in sarcasm and it makes Nico laugh again as he heads over to the kitchen to make the coffee.

"Well, the world has been missing it's barista," Nico deadpans.

Percy laughs and walks around a bit, studying the place, jacket still on his arm. Nico briefly thinks if he has anything too revealing about him, but he knows all he has are a few photos and books. It's not as if he ever really "moved in". That would mean "home". Nico doesn't think he's ready for that yet. He pours the water in the machine.

"Yes, well, I am easy to mi—who's this?" Percy's sudden change of tone is what catches Nico off guard.

Nico walks over to where Percy's standing perfectly still. He's pointing at a picture of him and Bianca, that was taken a few years back before she died (obviously).

"Oh. That was my sister. Bianca," he explains. He tries not to let his voice catch.

" _Bianca?"_ Percy whispers, horrified, still as frozen as a statue. Nico freezes too. What's going on?

"Yeah. Why?"

" _Was?"_

"Yeah?" Nico asks. Percy has paled considerably and he's frowning at the picture. He glances at Nico, but when he sees Nico staring at him, he looks back at the picture. Nico watches him gulp loudly. "Percy?" He glances at the picture too. It's a good picture. They look happy. They were. "Did you know her?"

"I have to go," Percy suddenly says.

"Wait, what?"

But before Nico can even say anymore, Percy's gone, taking his jacket and words with him.

Nico frowns. What in the hell just happened?!

He looks back at the picture of him and Bianca and purses his lips. Bianca. Bianca. Bianca. What is going on?

What is the world trying to tell him?

He goes back over to the coffee machine and makes himself a cup.

He stares over at the picture the entire time, Percy's reaction to it lingering on his mind.

It tastes awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do love knowing what y'all think!!!


	10. part X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited surprise surprise

Percy was ignoring Nico and Nico doesn't understand why. Obviously, it's because of that thing that happened over the picture of him and Bianca, but he doesn't know what to think about it.

He doesn't know if he wants to think about it. It's too strange for him, and those texts he's been getting have only been confusing him more.

It's as nobody wants him to forget about Bianca. He doesn't want to forget, but sometimes when he's buried under the pain of the world, he does. He wants to forget that he ever even had a sister. He wants to forget that she's dead and left him alone in this world with their deadbeat father and non-existent mother.

Even he if he did really want to forget, he wouldn't be able to.

It's ingrained in his very being.

Nico texts Percy a few times, but after the third text goes through with no response, he stops trying.

Why does everyone always walk out on him?

In the meantime, he focuses on his studies. He focuses on cleaning his house five times over. He focuses on learning random things to cook. He focuses on everything that isn't Bianca.

Before he even realizes, it's Friday afternoon, and he hasn't heard from Percy in two days. He doesn't even think he's talked to anybody in the last two days. He just goes to school, listens to the lectures, takes his notes, and then goes home only to study more.

Fuck. What is he even going to major in?

Why is Percy ignoring him?

Nico's walking through a park close to his apartment when his phone buzzes. It's a text from Jason, asking if he's coming to the party tomorrow. Nico almost doesn't want to go to this one either, but he figures that since he skipped out on the last one that he should probably go. Plus, he doesn't know if he can take another day of studying in silence.

He's driving himself crazy.

**to: Your Grace**

**from: nico**

**sent 5:37 pm**

**yeah, I'm coming. it's at seven, right?**

Nico sits on a swing, phone in hand, and he studies the only other two people in the park, which is a mother and her daughter. He thinks they're playing hide-and-go-seek. He doesn't really know, but he knows it's pretty cute.

Jason texts him back instantly.

**to: nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 5:38 pm**

**yup! see you there!**

Nico smiles and puts his phone away. He swings himself lightly and drags his feet on the ground, watching the dirt trail he leaves. He sighs. The last time he's been at a park was the day he finally decided to leave his father behind.

It was a good decision, he knows it was, but sometimes, he wonders how he'd be now if he handled it differently.

Maybe, it's better not to think about the "what if"s.

* * *

The house is large and the music is so loud, he heard from at least ten houses down. Nico wonders how in the hell the neighbors aren't complaining. The front steps to the house are far too many for just a simple house, and then he's at the door, but before he can even work up the courage to go in, two people push by him and in, laughing wildly. The door is swinging open and Nico is too struck by how much the party looks like it came straight out of a bad teen comedy to even comprehend that he's walking inside.

It's so, so loud. There's the stench of beer, sweat, sex, and strawberries in the air, and Nico doesn't know if he wants to be here anymore. Hell, did he ever really want to be here?

Nico sighs. He is almost twenty years old. He can handle this.

When he sees a girl throw up on someone's stomach, he immediately takes back his previous thought.

He stuffs his hands in his jacket and walks around, hoping to see at least one person that he knows.

He sees Leo first, but he looks to be chatting up some girl, so Nico doesn't want to bother them.

He walks around a bit, wondering how many people are making out and how many aren't. He can't tell which has a larger percentage. What is he doing here? He doesn't belong here. Sighing, he turns the corner and pauses.

Fuck. Damnit.

It's Percy. His hair is sticking up everywhere and his arms are wrapped up passionately around the girl he's kissing. It's Annabeth. Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be Annabeth? It's always Annabeth. It's always going to be some girl for him.

When will Nico realize that?

Nico wants to be sick.

Quickly, he rushes out of sight of the couple and goes to Leo. He needs someone to distract him. Someone needs to distract him. He finally gets close enough to Leo, but then Leo turns a bit and Nico is caught at the sight of Hazel Levesque, his half-sister he hasn't talked to since Bianca's funeral.

"Nico!" she exclaims, catching sight of him before Nico can turn around and escape. Too many memories. Where are they coming from? It's as if the world is stuffing into his face and no matter how hard he tries to turn and run away, he gets pulled back again only to be given seconds.

Leo turns at his name and smiles drunkenly when he sees him. "Nico!"

Even though they both said the exact same thing, both of them couldn't have made it sound more different.

"Leo…Hazel," he greets, sliding up next to them. Hazel is only staring at him, gold eyes wide and mouth open. Leo doesn't even notice.

"So, you came to this one, huh? Awesome! Spectacular! Live life to the fullest, Nico di Angelo!" he shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. Leo is very, very drunk.

"Well, I missed the last one, so I figured I owed Jason," Nico says, managing to let out an easy smile. Hazel's still staring at him. Nico hopes she doesn't say anything stupid.

"Nico," she finally says again. Nico pulls his gaze to hers once more.

"Hi, Hazel," he greets again. Leo finally notices that they seem to know each other.

"You know each other?"

"He's my—"

"Yeah. I met her in high school," Nico says before she can go on. He doesn't exactly know why he lied about who she was, but after everything that's been going on with his dead sister, he doesn't want anything bad to happen to the sister he barely knows.

Hazel looks mildly offended, but thankfully, she goes along with the ruse.

Leo doesn't suspect anything and just smiles at the both of them. "Well, that's pretty cool. Nico, do you mind if I steal your high school friend for a dance?"

"No," he replies. Hazel frowns at him, but then directs a smile at Leo when he puts a hand around his waist to pull her along. They disappear into the crowd of dancing college students and sweat.

Nico sighs and walks toward the kitchen. He's underage, but honestly, how many other people here are underage as well? He just wants to forget.

When he walks into the kitchen, he finds himself staring at Percy leading Annabeth up the stairs, dazed looks in both of their eyes. Nico blinks, and as they disappear up the stairs, he grabs the first beer he finds and downs it.

It tastes awful. He has to stop himself from coughing too much, and he squeezes the can, laughter and sex drowning in his ears. He wants to get out of here. Why hasn't he just left yet?

He rolls his eyes and grabs another drink, downing that as well. His mind feels numb and hazy and everything he wants to feel right now because Percy just took Annabeth up to most likely have sex with her because they are dating and that's what couples do. Percy's straight.

He needs to get over him. When will he get over him?

Nico sighs. He's miserable.

"Dude, just go over and talk to her," a loud voice says, interrupting Nico from his thoughts. Two guys have just walked into the room, and they seem to be having some heated discssion. It's a good-looking blonde guy and largely built Asian.

"I _can't_. When I even try to talk to her, I start to stutter and I end up saying stupid stuff," the Asian one says. Nico raises an eyebrow. The blonde one laughs and reaches for a beer.

"Well, I'm sure having one beer won't kill you, Frankie boy," the cute blonde one says. Frank glares at him.

"It most definitely will. I'll probably end up telling Hazel that I love her or something," he says. The blonde guy laughs, opens his beer, and takes a large gulp. Nico briefly wonders why he hasn't left the party yet. The blonde guy doesn't respond, but instead, glances around and catches sight of Nico. Nico blushes, not wanting him to think he was eavesdropping. Although, he sort of was, he supposes.

"You! Do you think he should man up and tell Hazel that he wants to go out with her?"

Two things settle in Nico's mind.

One: the boy is indeed talking to him.

Two: both boys seem to be talking abot Hazel, which just so happens to be the same name of his half-sister.

"Hazel Levesque?" Nico blurts out instead, completely disregarding the blonde boy's question. Both of them look surprised.

"You know her?"

"Uhm...yeah. Anyway, I think you should ask her out. She won't be mean about it even if she does say 'no', so just go for it," Nico says, ignoring the fact that he's sort of hypocrite for saying such a thing. It's different. Percy has a girlfriend. Hazel has...oh wait, there's Leo. Oops. Nico doesn't divulge that bit of information, sure that it would only make the guy even more nervous. Besides, Hazel and Leo aren't official or anything.

Nico focuses back on his reality and finds the blonde boy smiling at him while the Asian (Frank, was it?) glaring at him.

"See, Frank! Even the kid drinking alone thinks you should go for it!" the blonde exclaims.

"Yeah, okay, whatever, Solace. I'm going to go mope alone. Don't look for me," Frank replies, before walking off, leaving Nico and the blonde alone. Although it's not like Nico can't say he doesn't relate with Frank on more than one level.

The blonde laughs and Nico's gaze snaps to him. He puts out a hand for Nico to shake. Nico does.

"I'm Will Solace," the boy introduces.

"Nico di Angelo," Nico says, struck by how blue his eyes were. They were enough to rival Jason's.

"Cool," he says. "So, what _are_ you doing over here all by your lonesome self drinking?"

Nico's eyes flicker to the staircase where Percy and Annabeth disappered off to.

"Moping," he says, echoing Frank's earlier statement. Will makes a displeased sound.

"It seems everyone at this party is either with someone or unhappy because they aren't. So, who are you moping over? Is she single?"

" _He_ is not," Nico says before he can stop himself. Okay, so he just obviously outed himself to Will. It's not like he isn't out, but still. Will doesn't even blink at the pronoun change.

"Ah, so the worst sort of unrequited love? He straight?" Will asks, eyes wide with genuine curiosity.

Nico nods. "Yeah."

"Sorry to hear that," Will replies.

"It's a fighting process," is what Nico says. "But, I'll live." Will just nods and takes another drink from his beer. Nico doesn't know what to say. He panics. "Well, I'm off to mope some more. I'll probably leave soon."

Will immediately protests. "No! Come on, di Angelo. Let's go hang on the couch. You seem cool and I'm tired of seeing my friends go off and mope somewhere!" He grabs Nico's shoulder and ushers him to the living room.

Nico blinks at his statement. "We're friends?"

Will looks down at him. "'Course! I just declared it," he says. Nico simply nods. So, Nico's nonexistant love life brought him yet another friend?

Of course that would be how he befriends someone like this. He still allows Will to place him on a couch, next to someone who looks completely high and Will himself.

"So..." Will starts, "tell me about yourself."

Nico doesn't know what to say, so instead, he takes another large gulp of the disgusting beer, and Will realizes that's his cue to talk instead.

And he does. He talks for a while, and sometimes Nico's listening, but sometimes his mind feels too hazy and sometimes he just wants to sleep or run away and is that Annabeth rushing down the stairs?

Nico blinks and watches as Annabeth gets to the bottom of the stairs and sees how upset she looks. Will is laughing over something that happened sometime ago with him and his friends, but Nico doesn't really find himself to care all that much because Percy isn't with her.

Why isn't Percy with her?

He watches her rush out the door and into the night, and the person sitting next to Nico is now laughing wildly while Will is still telling his story.

Nico hiccups and decides that's his cue to take another drink. He takes at least five more, and hey, what happened to his beer? Nico stands up and excusing himself from Will to get another drink, he stumbles over to the kitchen, mind still wondering over what happened with Annabeth and Percy.

When he gets to the kitchen, he finally sees the man who invited him. Jason's talking to some very pretty girl and his arms are around her shoulder while she rolls her eyes at something he said. Nico can't help but notice how pretty she is, and how her perfectly-applied makeup only complements her.

"Nico di Angelo!" Jason exclaims, and he almost trips in response.

"Hey Jason Grace. Hahaha. Your Grace. Very funny," he replies, and Nico honestly doesn't even know how he's still awake. Jason stares at him, and the girl next to him laughs. Both of them are quite pretty and pretty together. Nico voices his opinion out loud and the girl laughs even harder. Jason's just assessing him with narrowed eyes.

When Nico reaches for another beer, Jason is pulling him back. "Uhm no. You are most definitely not going to get even more drunk, Nico. Here, I'll take you to my room. Just sleep, okay?"

Nico's walking, and really, how had he not noticed how drunk he is before?

Suddenly, Nico's in a very cold, yet comfortable bed, and before he even can acknowledge what's going on, he passes out.

* * *

Nico wakes up very confused. There's a loud sound going off right by his ear, and why is it pop music? When did Nicki Minaj become a part of his daily wake up routine?

Nico sits up and glances around, and when the realization of where he is and why he is here, he shuts off the annoying alarm that's blinking an astounding 9:00. What the hell?

He blinks a few times and tries to remember what day it is and if he has school today. He sighs in relief when he remembers that it's just Sunday.

Suddenly, Nico is very much awake. Doesn't he have...like an appointment today at ten or ten-thirty or something like that?

He gets out of the bed and walks toward the door. Jason's not in sight despite this being his room, and really, what college guy has his alarm set for nine o'clock on a Sunday?

Although, he supposes he should be grateful or he would've missed an appointement set up by his father.

When he walks out in the hallway, he immediately wishes he hadn't. Percy is shutting the door next to his, a tired and confused look on his face. When Percy spots him, he freezes. Nico doesn't understand why.

They stare at each other for a few seconds, and when Nico realizes that he's really not going to say anything, he rolls his eyes and passes by Percy without a word.

Whatever. Percy's an idiot, he's hungover, and he'll be late if he doesn't leave for the hospital now.

Nico sees Jason passed out the couch when he gets downstairs and he makes a mental note to thank him from stopping himself from getting even more drunk.

* * *

Nico arrives at the hospital just on time. He quickly checks himself in and yawning, he waits for Dr. Jasons to come get him. He doesn't wait long. He wonders if he can tell that Nico's a bit hungover.

If he does, he doesn't say anything.

Once he's settled in the chair, Dr. Jasons clears his throat and studies him for a few seconds.

"How are you, Nico?"

"Why did my father set this appointment up?" Nico retaliates. Dr. Jasons sighs.

"Your father is simply concerned for your health, Nico, which I hope, is well?"

"Yes," Nico says, a sour look gracing his face.

"Any thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, Nico?"

Nico pauses for a few seconds and that seems to be enough for Dr. Jasons' assessment. Dr. Jasons sighs and reaches for a piece of paper.

"Nico, are you sad? That simple, Nico," he says.

Nico wants to lie, but he knows that even if he did, Dr. Jasons would know the truth.

"Yes," he finally answers.

"How many times a day, would you say?" he asks. Nico thinks about it for a few seconds just to make it seem like he actually has to think about it.

"Constantly," he says. Fuck. It's too true. Too there. It's not supposed to be real. He just misses his sister. He just misses the good family he's never had.

Dr. Jasons nods as if he was expecting that answer, and honestly, Nico has never felt so pathetic.

"Nico, I want you to come in for another appointment in a week to have an official evaluation. Meanwhile, I want you to look up Escitalopram and Fluoxetine, which is most commonly reffered to as Lexapro and Prozac. Do you know what those are?"

Nico's stomach drops. Of course he does.

"Yeah. Uhm. Antidepressants," he answers. Dr. Jasons nods, and Nico feels sick. Everything is too real. He wants Bianca back.

"Yes, Nico. I'm letting you go now, but promise me you'll look it up. I'll tell Clara to set up your evaluation for this Friday at three in the afternoon. Is that okay?"

"Are you going to tell my father?" Nico asks.

Dr. Jasons shakes his head. "I am not to divulge any patient information to anybody else unless given consent by the patient."

"Please don't," is what Nico says. The doctor simply nods again.

"Have a good day, Nico," is what he finally says, and Nico almost wants to laugh. When was the last time he had a good day? Really?

Nico just leaves without a word.

* * *

Nico remembers that saying that "coffee cures hangovers" on the way back home, and before he knew it, he's headed over to the cafe. Nico doesn't want to go home. It's too cold and too sad and too everything at once, and it's not actually home. Home is supposed to be warm and loving and that's not what his apartment is.

He's there before he knows it and he walks in, immediately noticing Percy at the register. He looks tired. Nico imagines he looks the same. He jst doesn't have time for it today.

Percy sees him and Nico's already ordering his usual. It's awkward. It's tense. And this time, it's not actually Nico's fault.

While Percy is making his coffee, he clears his throat. Nico blinks. Is Percy actually going to say something?

He wants him to say something. And he does.

"Nico, I'm sorry," is what he does say.

"Did you know her?" Nico blurts out again, grabbing his coffee. Percy stills.

"Yeah. Sort of," he responds, and it just isn't _enough._

"What do you mean 'sort of'?"

"Well, I know she died. We used to go to school together, and I don't know Nico...it's just I saw her and you on that picture and you both looked so happy, and it's just...I have a picture like that with my mom too, but when I realized that your sister was _dead_ all I could think about was that my mom could be as well. That I could have a picture just like yours and she'd be dead. So, I ran. I'm sorry, Nico. Then, it just got awkward, of course, because I'm an idiot."

Nico stares at him. It sounds real. It sounds like it'd make sense, but some things just don't add up. Nico doesn't care though. He just wants it to back to normal. So, he just nods.

"So, we good?"

"Yeah."

"So, can I tell you a joke now to make it less awkward or?"

"A joke?"

"Okay, so Hermes, the Greek god by the way he's like a messenger of sorts and more stuff too bu-"

"I know who Hermes is, Percy. Continue," Nico says before he could go one forever.

"Okay, good. Anyway, so he signs up to be a part of a UPS commercial, right?"

"Okay?" Nico doesn't understand why Percy is telling him a joke all of the sudden.

"Okay, so, he gets to the site for shooting it, right? And the guy asks him who he is, so he replies with his name of course. Anyway, so the guy leads him inside and Hermes finds himself in a place with all of these people, and he's a little confused becase he was sure it was only him in the commercial. So he waits a bit, and then the producer comes in and says it's time to start. But, guess what?"

Nico sighs. "What?"

"Hermes soon realizes that he's not in the UPS commercial like he's supoosed to be! He's in a commercial advertising the dangers of herpes! The man thought he just said herpes and led him to that commerical instead!" Percy's laughing hard now, and Nico can only stare at him.

"That was the dumbest joke I've ever heard, Percy," he finally says, when Percy's finally managed to calm down a bit.

"Oh. You think so? Wait until you hear the one about Hades," he deadpans. Nico snorts.

"My father's name is Hades," he says. Percy's eyes widen.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Weird, right?"

"But kinda cool though," he says. Nico just shrugs. He doesn't think anything about his father is considered cool. "Thanks, Nico," Percy suddenly says.

"What?"

"Thanks for forgiving me," Percy says, and his eyes are wide and beautiful and Nico just wants to kiss him. He takes a sip of his coffee instead. What happened with Annabeth?

"You're my friend. That's what friends do." Nico's heart hurts.

Meanwhile, Percy just smiles.

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to know your thoughts


	11. part XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, we're caught up now!! sorry. y'all are gonna have to wait for chapters now. :/

_"Do you believe in ghosts, Nico?"_

_Nico frowns and puts down his Mythomagic cards. He turns to Bianca and she's staring at him, eyes wide and wondering._

_"I guess I could," Nico responds. "I mean, I would need some sort of proof or something."_

_"I do," she says seriously. Nico rolls his eyes. Wouldn't it make more sense for him to believe in ghosts out of the two of them?_

_"You do?" he asks._

_She huffs. "Well...yeah. I mean...I think it makes sense. For the spirit to remain behind sometimes if they weren't ready to go on," she says._

_"Go on where?" Nico asks doubtfully._

_"Well, I don't know!" she exclaims. "Just...somewhere, you know?"_

_He rolls his eyes again and picks up his cards again. "Yeah, yeah, okay, Bianca."_

_"Well, maybe...maybe, that's what I am."_

_Nico's cards fall to the floor. "What?"_

_"Well, I'm dead. Maybe, I'm stuck here. But wouldn't I be all bloody and broken like how you found me?"_

_"Bianca, I don't kno-"_

_"I'm dead, Nico. You miss me, don't you? Is Dad upset? I hope he is, the asshole."_

_"Bia-"_

_"It hurt, Nico. Dying, I mean. It sucked...I was...I was just so young. I had a life to live. You should've stopped me. Why didn't you stop me, you gay faggot?"_

_Nico's crying now. "Bianca...wha-"_

_"Is that what you are? I mean, you claim you like girls and guys, but all I've seen from you is a depressed little fag with sister issues. Isn't that who you are?" she hisses. Nico's screaming. His burns hurt. "Do you still wish you were dead, Nico?"_

_"Bianca...I-I don't know what's happ-"_

_"I wish you were dead."_

Nico wakes up crying.

* * *

 

Nico doesn't even try to get up in the morning. After his nightmare, he was too afraid to fall back asleep and ending up mindlessly watching a marathon of _Star Wars_ that was playing on television.

Damn. What's wrong with him?

He rolls over, his phone buzzing in the background, but he ignores it. He doesn't want to think about anything. He doesn't want to be here.

He's so exhausted. He just wants to stop.

Nico just wants to stop being here.

* * *

 

It's two in the afternoon and there's someone knocking down his door. Well, not literally, however, it could be true very soon if Nico doesn't answer it. He bets it's Percy.

"I'm coming!" he yells groggily, rolling quickly out of bed and exiting his room to go open the door. The knocking doesn't stop either. Ugh. Why is Percy here anyway?

He opens the door, already planning his excuse to get his crush to leave, but he's stunned to see that the person is, in fact, not Percy.

"Hazel?" he asks, blinking rapidly and yawning.

"Nico," she says. He blinks again trying to determine if his little sister was actually in front of him.

"W-what are you doing here?"

"I want to talk, Nico," she says.

"How did you even find my place?" he asks.

She studies him from head to toe slowly and sighs. "I asked Leo and Leo asked Percy. Percy almost didn't tell him, but after you were absent today, he went with it. He knows something is up, Nico, and honestly, I do too. Now, let me in."

Nico frowns, but steps aside nonetheless. She walks in quickly, shutting the door herself, leaving Nico feeling awkward in his own apartment. Hazel's always had the ability to do that to him.

He's only met her a few times, but those few times were all very important moments in his life. When he was twelve, she walked in on him trying to hang himself. All she had to do was start crying loudly and Bianca and his father came running. When he was fifteen, she gave him advice about his feelings toward boys and girls. She helped him through that even if it was only in an hour. It was important.

When he was almost seventeen, Bianca died. The last time he's seen Hazel was at her funeral where he buried himself on her shoulder.

After that, he left and never wanted to come back. Everything was just a reminder. Hazel was just a reminder.

But she was also his sister.

"Sorry, Hazel," he finally says, and Hazel freezes before turning to face him.

"What for, Nico?"

He droops his shoulders. "For not talking to you, I guess."

Hazel purses her lips. "Nico...I understand why you wouldn't want to speak to me. I mean, I wish you would, but...Bianca _died_ , Nico, and I know that she was the only one really there for you. He's my father too, you know. I know how much of an asshole he is."

Nico can't breathe. Bianca is dead. He knows this. He's known this since it happened, but now there is someone actually here, telling _him_ , and it's like he's sixteen all over again.

"Yeah," he breathes out because what else is he supposed to say? What can he say that doesn't keep reminding him of the fact that the only person who ever really cared about him is dead? What can he do?

Hazel reaches forward and tries to touch his arm and comfort him, but he flinches away from her. He doesn't want to be touched.

"I so sorry, Nico. I didn't do anything about anything and I know I should've. I just wanted to come and say that. You're important to me, Nico. Really. You are and I wanted to tell you that. I'll see you around, okay?"

And just as quickly as she was here, she's gone. Nico hears the door close with a soft shut and he collapses on the couch.

So, she basically came over to turn his world upside down again? Nico shakes his head to himself. No...he knows she came over here for what she said she did.

Of course she's been blaming herself.

Of course she blames herself because he blames himself.

He doesn't even really know why he blames himself.

He just does.

* * *

 

Nico's in class when his phone buzzes again. He frowns. He was sure he put his phone on silent not even an hour ago. He pulls it out and opens up the text on his lap, trying his best to at least try and be discreet. Not that it matters all that much. Paul is pretty chill when it comes to phones in his class.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 10:37 am**

**bianca is dead**

Nico gulps, reading the words repeatedly. Why now? Why right after that dream? Why is this fair? He quickly shuts off his phone and stuffs it into his jacket. He doesn't want to deal with this right now. He just doesn't.

He sighs and focuses his attention back onto Paul who's made the entire class laugh at something he made an allusion to. Nico doesn't even know what he's talking about, and even though Nico tries to focus on what he's teaching for the rest of the class, he can't.

He just can't.

* * *

 Nico was a little tired of having a crush on Percy. He was just done with looking at the boy and thinking how cute he was and wishing he could just lean in and kiss the shit out of him.

He was tired of it.

He was back in his dreadful apartment, back to feeling sorry for himself, back to staring at himself in the mirror, wondering what the fuck was wrong with him.

Too pale.

Too scarred.

Too broken.

Too everything all at once and it was just _so much._ Everything. And Nico doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He doesn't want to keep feeling like utter shit, with his jackass of a father always on his mind and an unrequited crush that's never going to go anywhere.

What's the point?

Maybe tonight would be his last. Maybe, it was finally time to let go. It's not like someone was stopping him. It's not like he can't do it. If he does finally let go, he'll be able to control his life in his last moments, and Nico thinks that's a great thing.

His phone starts ringing and Nico rips his hands off his stomach. He didn't even know they were there. He didn't even know how he was studying himself in such a hateful way, and oh—his phone is still ringing.

"Hello?" he answers, voice shaking a bit.

"Hey, Nico!" Percy's voice exclaims through the phone.

"Oh. Hey, Percy," Nico says, staring at his shoes. He doesn't know if he really wants to talk to Percy right now.

"So, I was wondering if you'd like to come bowling with me tomorrow? I promised to teach you, remember?"

Nico's heart leaps to his throat and his stomach is spiraling down into an abyss of _what the fuck._ "U-uh, yeah, sure," Nico stutters out, feeling like a complete idiot.

Nico can practically feel Percy's smile through the phone. "Great!" Percy exclaims. "What time are you free then?"

"Uh, well, just like, after classes, I suppose," Nico mumbles.

Percy laughs. "Okay. Does four sound good then? Do you want me to pick you up from your place or do you just want to meet up at the café or the bowling alley? It's the same place we went to last time."

Nico has absolutely no idea where the alley is, so he just agrees to being picked up.

"Cool then. See you tomorrow, Nico, yeah?"

Nico's glad that this was his sign to stay here and he almost feels like crying. "Yeah, see you tomorrow, Percy. Thank you."

Percy gives another laugh. "Of course, Nico. It'll be fun. Well, Luke's glaring at me to get back to work as if there were actually people here, so I'll have to let you go now, okay?"

Nico nods quickly, before briefly realizing Percy is indeed not here with him. "Sounds good. Bye, Percy Jackson."

"Bye, Nico di Angelo," Percy responds, his voice reverberating through Nico's mind. The phone clicks off and Nico looks down at his phone before looking back and staring at his reflection in the mirror.

He smiles.

* * *

 

Somehow, the next day in class passes by quickly. He sees Percy during his free time off in the library of course, but neither one of them mention the bowling hang-out (date?) thing they're going to do.

Before he knows it, it's already 3:50 and Nico's freaking out. This isn't even a date...Percy has a girlfriend, for god's sake, but Nico can't stop how nervous he feels. He feels like he's about to throw up or something and he really needs to calm down.

His palms are sweaty and he's sitting on his couch, continuously tugging at his jacket. It's 3:56 now. Ugh. Why is this so goddamn nerve-wracking?

A knock on the door startles him out of his moody reverie and he blinks rapidly. Okay. So, Percy's early.

 _Answer the damn door, Nico_ , he begs himself since he's still just standing there, blankly looking at the door in panic.

He opens it quickly and there's Percy, already smiling at him. "Hey, Nico!" he says, and before Nico can even think about what he's going to say back, Percy has him in a tight hug that is way too warm for Nico's comfort in "stay calm" land. Percy pulls away. "You ready to become the best bowler in the world?"

"I already am, Percy," Nico responds, trying not to show how giddy he feels, and Percy laughs.

"You keep telling yourself that, di Angelo," Percy says. Nico bites his lip and closes his door, locking it, before following Percy down the hall. 

* * *

 

The bowling alley looks exactly like it did the last time he was here, which, duh. It's not like it's been years since he's been here; except this time around, it was just Percy and him. Nico was freaking out.

 _It's not a date. He has a girlfriend for fuck's sake_ , Nico thinks, watching as Percy pays for both of them. Nico studies his back and wonders what made Percy want to go bowling all of a sudden. Maybe he felt bad about ignoring him? Nico doesn't know.

"Here you are," Percy says suddenly, breaking Nico from his thoughts. He's handing Nico a pair of shoes. They're his size.

"How do you know my size?" Nico asks suspiciously because yeah, that's a little strange. Percy laughs, noticing Nico's suspicion.

"You had a pair of shoes left by the couch when I was at your house and after you left, I saw them, and I don't know. I guess I was just curious. Was thinking that I could get shoes for a birthday or something. I don't know," Percy replies honestly.

Nico blushes and immediately looks down.

"Oh. Cool," Nico says, his voice coming out sounding tight. Nico mentally groans. He quickly thinks about how much he changed attitude-wise in just a day. Yesterday, he was staring at his reflection, considering suicide for one of the first times in a while, and today, he's out bowling with the boy he has a crush on.

Nico smiles widely then and Percy notices, seeming a little off guard, before breaking into a delighted laugh. Percy moves in and places his arm around Nico's shoulder, and Nico can't help but lean into him. He's warm and comforting and Nico's just really fucking glad that Percy called him last night.

"Bowling, yeah?" Percy asks, moving them toward a bench so they put their shoes on.

"Yeah," Nico agrees breathlessly.

Percy just squeezes him tighter to him.

* * *

 

They bowl for a while, Percy proving to be the worst teacher of all time since all he really does at Nico the entire time is make him blush and then laugh at Nico's failed attempts. Nico laughs a lot too, going along with it, and glaring at Percy when he snickers at his bowling balls falling immediately into the gutter.

After they go through two games, Nico loses once again as Percy smirks, leading the way back to the shoe return.

"You know, you didn't help me at all, you loser," Nico complains.

Percy shrugs. "I did my best, but then I realized it was more fun to watch you glare at the bowling balls roll pathetically down the gutter." Nico glares at him, only proving his point more. Whatever. They end up in front of the shoe return desk, and Nico briefly notices that the worker is kind of cute, but it doesn't really matter when he has an even cuter boy with him.

"When bowling is the only way I can live or die, and I end up screwing up, just know it'll be your fault when I die," Nico warns him, handing in his shoes to the amused looking worker. Percy hands in his as well, but doesn't look away from Nico.

"Oh not to worry. I'll just be there to save your ass from them," Percy says as seriously as he can. Nico considers screwing the fact that Percy's straight and taken and just kissing him, but like...no.

"Sure you will," Nico finally says and they walk out, smiling brightly. Nico won't ever admit to anyone how much fun he had because well, he had a lot of fun.

"He was kind of cute, wasn't he?" Percy breaks the sudden silence as they get outside, the cool breeze hitting them softly. Nico's breath hitches.

"What?" Nico asks, eyes wide as he stares at Percy.

Percy looks down at him, eyes crinkled up since he's still smiling and Nico doesn't have the slightest idea what the fuck is going on.

"The guy at the shoe register? Kind of cute, wasn't he?"

"Uhm—"

"I dated a guy that looked like him for a little bit before I met Annabeth. Kind of weird how some people look so much like others, right?" Percy reveals as if it's the most uninteresting and nonchalant thing to say. Nico's pretty sure he's gaping at him.

What. The fuck.

What the fuck. What the fuck? What the _fuck?_

"Uh, yeah, he was, I guess," Nico says, blinking and trying not to collapse from the shock he feels right now. Okay.

 _So, Percy is not straight? No...what? That..._ what _?_

Nico's honestly so confused right now.

Percy just nods and keeps walking toward his car, and Nico almost can't keep up from standing there and staring.

Nico just follows him.

* * *

 

The car ride home gave Nico time to realize that Percy is indeed, not straight. Not because Percy just admitted it to him like fifteen minutes ago, but because Percy never did anything to indicate that he wasn't.

How the fuck could Nico not realize that?

Just because Percy was dating a chick doesn't mean that Percy is straight. There are so many sexualities in the world, and Nico blames his negative self for not even considering such options. He had just been so sure that Percy was straight.

Apparently not.

He's still taken though.

"Here you are, Nico," Percy says, parking outside his apartment complex. "Do you want me to walk up with you?"

Nico shakes his head. "No, it's fine. Thanks for the offer though."

Percy nods, smiling. "Well, I had tons of fun, Nico. Thanks for accepting to hang out with me. See you in the library?"

Nico smiles then too. "Yeah, definitely. And...yeah, I had fun too. Thank you, Percy."

Percy studies him strangely then, and he quirks an eyebrow a bit. "You know...that's the second time you've thanked me for hanging out with you, Nico di Angelo."

Nico stills, but still manages to smile weakly back at him. "Well, I'm thankful, Percy. Like I said before, I don't have many friends." Percy just nods, looking at him strangely. Nico doesn't know what could possibly be going through Percy's head right now. He's probably pitying him to be honest. Nico doesn't want to dwell on that. "Well, I'll be going then. See you tomorrow, Percy Jackson."

He opens the door and closes it quickly, but not quickly enough to hear Percy's breathless "Yeah, see you, Nico di Angelo."

Nico tries not to dwell on it and just walks up, ignoring the fact that Percy is waiting for him to get inside before leaving. Of course he does that. He's Percy Jackson.

Nico unlocks his door and enters immediately, shutting the door behind him quickly.

And if he immediately lets out a breath that he didn't even know he had been holding and slumps against the door, no one needs to know. No one except for Nico's racing heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts?????? and also hahaha!! plot twist *smirks evilly*


	12. part XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been so LONG. so sorry! I've had major writer's block for this chapter, but plan to write in it as much as I can. Love y'all!!

Thursday passes by quickly with Nico awkwardly trying his best not to make it obvious that he still feels giddy over the information that Percy is, in fact, not straight. He also gets another text from Jason, inviting him to yet another party he's holding this Saturday. Nico replied that he'd think about it.

But now, it was Friday and Friday meant he was going to get another evaluation done on him at three. He's had evaluations before. He's been diagnosed with depression before, but they said it went away.

Nico never really thought it had, so he's already prepping himself as to what to expect from this evaluation.

When he checks in, he doesn't even have to wait a minute before he's told he can go in. He walks in hesitantly, spotting a lady with a clipboard and a smile on her face.

"Hello. Nico di Angelo, I presume?"

"Yes."

She smiles again. Nico wonders how many people she smiles at a day. She gestures for him to sit down in front of her. They are both sitting at a desk. It's plain and brown and Nico just wants to leave already. She sends him an even wider smile, blinks two times, and sets her clipboard on the table in front of her.

"Well, let's begin, I suppose."

* * *

"Nico! You going to Jason's party?"

Nico's gaze snaps up and meets Percy's who is looking like the sun itself.

"Uhm, not sure yet. Did he invite you?"

"Oh, no, of course not," Percy says dismissively, but before Nico can comment, he's continuing on. "No, no, Annabeth was invited, so it made me wonder if you were too. Are you?"

"Yeah, I am," Nico answers. "Not sure if I'm going though."

"Oh," Percy says. "Where were you this morning?"

"What?" Nico is caught off guard.

"This morning? You weren't here," Percy says, eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh. Oh, yeah. I was at the doctor's," Nico answers lamely.

"Why? Are you all right?" Percy asks, smile slipping a bit, worry becoming evident in his expression quickly.

Nico reassures him with a laugh. "Yeah, it was just a checkup," he lies. Percy doesn't need to know about his stupid, little problems. He's not important. He briefly wonders when he'll be getting his results back. (Nico thinks he most definitely knows what his results are going to say.)

"All good then?" Percy smiles. Nico tries not to notice how forced it looks. When did this entire conversation become awkward?

"Yeah, all fine," Nico answers. Percy just nods, and takes out his phone a second later. Nico doesn't really know what to do, so he just stands there awkwardly for a moment before Percy heaves a deep sigh.

"Crap," Percy curses. He looks up at Nico, and gives an apologetic smile. "Sorry, di Angelo. Looks like I forgot about a presentation I have to do. See you later, yeah?"

Nico doesn't even get the chance to respond before Percy's turned around and rushing off.

What was that about?

* * *

When Nico gets home, he works on a paper for a class for two hours before he gets a message from Jason.

**to: Nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 3:32 pm**

**hey, di angelo! so, you coming to the party? you should really come. it's tomorrow, remember? plus there's somebody who wants you to come.  
**

Nico frowns at the text and quickly types out a reply.

**to: Your Grace**

**from: nico**

**sent 3:33 pm**

**yeah, I guess I'm coming. who wants me to come?**

It takes Jason three minutes to respond.

**to: Nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 3:36 pm**

**oh. you remember will? he wants to be your friend or something and apparently you left before you could actually meet you before sooo idk he's cool you know?**

Nico vaguely remembers Will, but he thinks he was cool. He doesn't really remember.

**to: Your Grace**

**from: nico**

**sent 3:38 pm**

**oh yeah. I think i remember him. okay. cool. starts at eight right?**

Jason sends back a "yup! see you then" and Nico is bored again. Honestly, just being reminded about the party reminds him of the weird conversation he head with Percy earlier. The same Percy who is in fact not straight.

Nico still can't wrap his head around that surprise. So does that mean his type is that boy at the bowling alley? Or does he even have a specific type? Is Nico Percy's type?

Nico sighs and realizes he seriously needs to stop wondering about this because it's only making him more sad. Percy's dating Annabeth regardless of his type, so there is really no point.

(He can still pine hopelessly. Sue him.)

After working on his paper for another hour, he gets another text. This time, it's from Percy himself.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**received 4:29 pm**

**so are you going to the party?**

Nico frowns down at the text. Percy's been acting strange.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 4:30 pm**

**yeah, i'm going. you?**

Seventeen minutes later, Percy responds.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**sent 4:46 pm**

**apparently. see you there.**

Nico doesn't even bother to respond.

* * *

It was Saturday and the party was small compared to the others Jason had thrown. Supposedly, Jason's thrown parties so large that it involved more than several colleges. Whatever that means. This one, however, was smaller and it seemed more reserved for people Jason actually somewhat cared about.

"Nico!" Jason exclaims almost as soon as Nico walks into the door. He throws an arm around Nico's shoulders and quickly leads him to the living room. Nico sees Leo right away, and he's talking to Hazel happily. He sees Piper talking to someone he most definitely doesn't know and sees a few others he's seen at other parties, but never actually talked to.

"Is that Di Angelo I see?" a loud voice says and Nico turns, freaked out when he feels a hand come down on his head to ruffle his hair. Jesus Christ. What is it with people wanting to touch his hair all the time?

It's Will Solace.

"Oh, hey, Will," Nico greets, a little overwhelmed with everything that's happening.

"How you've been, Nico? Everything good?" Will asks, and Nico just nods. It's not like talking about all the shit in his life is exactly a good conversation topic. Oh, by the way, did you know I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder on and off for the past couple years? Yeah? How's the girlfriend?

Nope.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he says vaguely.

"Still in love?" Will asks.

"Yeah, still in love," Nico responds. Jason looks surprised.

"Nico, you're in love with someone?" he exclaims. Oh geesh.

"Yeah. It's really not a big deal," Nico assures, but Jason apparently doesn't think so.

"Who is it? Are they nice? Do I know them?"

"It's not a big deal, Jason. Honestly," Nico tries to say again.

"You're in love with someone?"

And ah.

Speaking of.

That's Percy.

Nico turns and levels Percy with a strange look. Percy is acting so strange. He doesn't understand what's going on.

"Yeah. And it's not a big deal," Nico says again, turning to glare pointedly at Jason who just raises his hands up in defense and laugh a bit.

"Whatever, man. Anyway, gotta head back to my girlfriend. I can see her glaring at me from behind me. Stay cool, di Angelo," Jason says. He slips back into his own party before anyone else can say anything else.

"Well, di Angelo, do you want to stand around talking about your long unrequited love or get in the party?!" Will asks Nico, throwing his arm over his shoulder. Honestly, Nico isn't one for physical contact, but he's willing to do about anything to escape Percy's unnerving gaze.

He smiles hesitantly and responds with a small, "Sure."

He thinks Percy was going to say something, but Will turns him around too quickly and pulls him away from everyone quickly. They're in a quieter place of the house now, the music only a dull roar in Nico's ears. He thinks they're in the garage or something. He doesn't know.

"That him?" Will finally asks, leaning against the wall, staring at Nico, blue eyes piercing his own.

"Who?" Nico asks, confused. Will sighs.

"Percy? Is Percy the one you're in love with?"

Nico stops breathing. Is he that obvious? "Yeah," he whispers, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. Will seems to sense that and places a comforting hand on his arm.

"Hey, it's fine. I was just wondering. You two were acting kind of weird and I guess I just kind of figured, you know?"

Nico was still freaking out. Will barely knew him and yet he caught up on that? "Am I really that obvious?"

Will laughs and shakes his head. "Maybe to those paying close enough attention, but no, I doubt it," he says.

Nico sighs and shuts his eyes for a moment.

"It just...it just happened. There was no stopping it. Honestly," he says, and it's so relieving is the thing. He's so happy that he can finally tell someone how he feels about Percy.

Will chuckles. "No, I get it. Really. I do. I've been in love. It sucks sometimes, but other times, it's the best feeling in the world."

Nico eyes him. "Did you break up?" he asks because where else could that story have gone.

Will shakes his head, a sad smile playing on his lips. "No."

Nico feels like he's missing a joke.

"No, we never dated. Actually, he got married just a month ago. I was invited. I went. We're good friends. I never told him, you know," Will says, and Nico draws in a breath.

Yeah.

He can relate to never telling.

"Oh. Well, sorry to hear that," Nico says, trying his best to offer sympathies. Will just shakes his head.

"It's cool, man. Honestly. No worries," he laughs. Nico just nods again, trying not to let his mind linger to Percy because he knows if he thinks of Percy, he'll just want to get drunk, which he hates because beer is disgusting. "Want to get drunk?"

Nico is quick to decide.

* * *

Nico is incredibly drunk. At least, he thinks that's the word. Will is dancing with some girl in some loud room with lots and lots of loud people and Nico kind of wants to talk to Bianca.

No, he really wants to talk to Bianca.

Oh, he's outside now.

And throwing up.

Joy.

He feels a hand on his back. It's warm. Nice. Comforting.

"Bianca?" he hears himself asking, another round of vomit making its way up his throat. Shit. He throws up again and the hand on his back is rubbing soft circles into his shoulder blades.

Nico wants to cry.

"Hey, Nico, it's okay. It's okay," a soothing voice says, and oh. That's Percy. Of course it's Percy. Who else would it be? Who else would luck deem fortunate enough to bestow the sight of Nico di Angelo vomiting on?

"Bianca," Nico cries again. Shit. When did he start crying? Finally, after what feels like hours passing, he stops throwing up and stumbles back, head dizzy, mind blurry. He looks up and meets Percy's concerned gaze.

"Nico, you okay?"

"You're not Bianca," Nico finds himself saying. Percy is very pretty. Pretty in the skater boy sort of way, with his cute, messy hair and ocean eyes. His face is soft-looking and angular and nice and Nico just wants to feel it on the palm of his hand.

So he does.

Percy goes very still as Nico lightly strokes Percy's cheek. Nico was right. It's soft and sharp and everything Nico is sure Percy is. God, where is Bianca? Shit.

"Nico?" Percy sounds worried now and Nico kind of just wants to go to sleep.

So he does.

* * *

Nico wakes up warm, which is new for him since he usually wakes up freezing cold since his air conditioner at home is shit.

Wait.

Where is he.

Nico bolts up, eyes blinking as he takes in his surroundings.

Okay.

So, he's in a dorm or something. He looks around some more. It looks like a dorm on his own college campus.

Okay good. He at least knows where he is (sort of).

"Coffee?"

Nico almost screams, jumping seven feet high and gasping loudly. He supposes that is why Percy Jackson is laughing now.

"Oh, shit! Your _face!_ "

Nico doesn't understand what is going on, but Percy is shirtless and handing him coffee. Nico frowns and takes it, the cup feeling warm in his hand. He takes a small sip. It's good and it burns.

He doesn't mind.

"Is this your dorm?" Nico asks when Percy finally calms down. Percy grins.

"Yeah. Sure is. Luckily for you, my roommate is out of town for a while so I was able to put your ass on his bed after you passed out on me last night. Literally."

Nico almost drops his coffee.

"What?" he asks, completely mortified. Percy snickers.

"Yeah, you fell asleep standing up, dude. It was weird, but then you fell straight forward and landed on me. You literally passed out on me," Percy explains, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Nico is very, very confused. So Percy isn't acting all weird around him anymore? What's going on?

He's also completely embarrassed.

Coughing, Nico's eyes go wide and he stares resolutely down into his coffee cup. "Shit. Sorry? Thanks for...for like not abandoning me, I guess?"

Percy frowns. "Why would I abandon you?" The seriousness of the tone is what causes Nico to look up. He shrugs.

"Don't know. You've been acting weird around me," he admits. Well, there's no taking it back now.

Percy freezes like a deer caught in the headlights and Nico thinks he sees about fifty different emotions flit across his face before he finally settles on apologetic.

"Sorry about that. Life has been especially weird lately and I haven't really taken it very well. I'm not mad at you or anything if you're worried about that though."

Nico shrugs. "I didn't really think you were. I was just surprised with how you were acting. Warn me next time, yeah?"

Percy laughs; Nico tries not to notice how forced it sounds. "I'll try. Can't say though. I am entirely unpredictable. That's me. Unpredictable Percy."

Nico can't help but smile at that. "That was lame."

Percy just nods solemnly in response, shrugging. "Yes, it did sound better in my head."

"I feel like that's the case with everything you say," Nico teases. Why is Percy still acting so strange?

Percy fakes another laugh and pushes at Nico's shoulder a bit. "Hey. Rude."

Is Percy not telling him something?

"No, but really. Thanks for taking care of me," Nico says.

Does Nico even have the right to know what's wrong with Percy?

Percy smiles. "Anytime, di Angelo."

No, Nico does not.

* * *

_"You're annoying, Nico."_

_Worthless._

_"Bianca?"_

_Pathetic._

_Depressed and so, so pitiful._

_"Bianca, where are you?"_

_"I'm dead. Where are you?"_

_"Here! Bianca, I'm here!"_

_"And I'm here. Where are you?"_

_"Bianca?"_

_"It should've been you. You have nothing to live for anyway."_

_"Bianca, I-"_

_"I'm dead. What about you?"_

_"Bia-"_

_"What about you?"_

_"I'm dead too."_

_"Good."_

Nico wakes up and cries for thrity-seven minutes.

* * *

Percy is ignoring Nico again and Nico is frankly too tired to deal with it. So he ignores Percy as well. If Percy is going to act difficult again, then why should Nico interfere?

He still goes to the café though. He talks aimlessly with Luke over the counter, asking for a different drink this time because why not? Change can be good sometimes. He sits down, takes a sip, decides he hates it, and orders his usual.

Luke just laughs and Nico wonders how Percy could've known that he'd come today since he's not here. He always works these days.

Nico shakes his head.

His phone buzzes.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 3:00 pm**

**don't think about it**

Nico turns off his phone and takes a another sip.

Fuck it all.

* * *

"Nico, I need to talk to you," is the first thing Percy breathes out as Nico picks up the phone two hours later.

"Percy? What's wro-"

"I'm coming over."

Percy's gone and Nico doesn't know what is going on.

He supposes he should get dressed.

* * *

The knock on his door is long, hesitant, and paused. Nico himself pauses before opening the door to a shitty-looking Percy Jackson.

"I know Bianca," Percy quickly says. Nico pauses.

Bianca. Bianca.

Bianca.

Wait.

"Yeah. You told me you two were friends, right?"

"Not really," Percy says again.

"What do you mean?" Nico asks. What is going on.

"I'm really sorry, Nico," Percy suddenly sobs. "I'm really fucking sorry."

"What are you talking about? Are you okay? Is something up with your mom? Do you want to come in?"

"Sure," Percy says, walking in and practically collapsing onto the couch. Nico is so confused.

He awkwardly walks over to him and sits next to him. "What's wrong, Percy?"

"You know," Percy starts, "my mother used to tell me that some friends last forever."

"Percy?"

"She used to tell me that some don't. Same with girlfriends. Same with boyfriends. She told me that nothing was certain except for the things you made certain. It was all a choice, you know? That was what she was trying to say. That no matter what...I had a choice."

"Percy, I'm confused, did something happen to her?"

"No. Nothing at all. She's still in the hospital, unaware of the world around her. I wish she'd wake up, Nico. I really wish she would." Nico figures that there isn't really anything he can say right now. Percy takes a deep breath and Nico notices how he grips his knees. "It all comes down to the choices we make, Nico. I realized this such a long time ago. It's our choices that define who we are."

Nico thinks back to how many times he's wanted to kill himself, but didn't. He thinks back to laughing with Bianca. He thinks back to crying as he heard his father scream the worst sort of things at him and Bianca. He thinks back to when he was a kid and held onto his mother's hand so tightly as she cried for whatever reason it was. He thinks back to when he'd go to the park and try to pick out and name the stars. He thinks back to bowling with Percy, drinking the same coffee, crying, and laughing and how many days of the week he's happy he's alive.

He purses his lips and nods. Yes. Choices.

"I'm really sorry, Nico," Percy says again and Nico frowns.

"Why?" he asks. What could this boy have possibly done to make him so sorry to Nico?

Percy shakes his head. "I'm not a very great friend, am I? I come in at random moments and demand things and all I can talk about are my problems. You're a really good person, Nico."

 _No, I'm not_ , Nico instantly thinks.

Percy takes a deep breath. "And I'm making a choice right now," he seems to almost wonder out loud. "I'm making one right now, Nico. Do you understand me?"

Nico just shakes his head. Percy is miles away.

"They told me that she may never wake up."

Nico thinks he may cry.

"I don't love Annabeth like I used to and I don't know what to do about it."

Nico bites his lip, wondering why shit happens to good people.

"I think I've made a mistake, Nico. I'm sorry. I will try to be a better friend to you."

Nico has no idea what is going on.

"I'm going to go now. I'll see you soon, yeah?"

He's standing up and he's left before Nico can even let out a breath.

Percy Jackson.

Percy Jackson, why does it seem that your heart is broken?

Nico understands far too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love hearing what y'all thought!
> 
> all the love,  
> DiAnna44
> 
>  
> 
> anyway come rant at me on [tumblr](http://iwannapandanamedchubs.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	13. part XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so this specific chapter is pretty triggering when it comes to psychosis, not eating, PTSD, more cussing than usual (the word "fuck"), relapse in depression (worse than usual[this is a pretty sad chapter ngl]), and heavy suicidal thoughts.
> 
> anyway, it's been forever i know i suck life has been hard living has been hard but i'm still here, and still writing in this story.   
>  i don't know when i'll update again, but an update will come. :)  
> thanks for sticking with me
> 
> btw- i listened to "heathens" by tøp the entire time while writing this chapter out (well, finishing it) so thank them for giving me a good jam to listen to as i wrote it.

"I've been...I've been getting these text messages," Nico says warily as he watches Dr. Jasons scribble on his notepad. Dr. Jasons looks up at him and frowns.

"Text messages?" he asks.

Nico sighs. He had gotten another one last night and the night after that and all at the same time as well. He nods. "Yes."

Dr. Jasons still looks confused. Nico can't blame him.

"From who?" he asks Nico. Nico takes a deep breath and pulls out his phone.

"From...well, there from...I don't really know actually," Nico answers vaguely. He gives the phone to Dr. Jasons, pulling up his messages, knowing that the unknown number was the last one who texted him.

Dr. Jasons's frown deepens when he looks over the screen. He looks back up at Nico. "From...Percy?"

Nico shakes his head. "No, not him. The one above him."

Dr. Jasons looks back down at the phone. Then, back at him. "Nico, there's no other message. I mean, there's Percy, Hazel...Your Grace?"

Nico frowns and reaches forward and grabs the phone. He sees the unknown number string of messages and opens it, handing it back to Dr. Jasons.

"Here!" he exclaims, pointing to the last message, which says, " **Don't do it** " when Nico had been feeling particularly down again. Dr. Jasons just stares at the phone.

"Nico, there's no message," he says.

Nico shakes his head. "It's right _here_."

"Nico? There's nothing there," Dr. Jasons says again.

Nico looks back down at the phone. It's right there! Why can't he see it?

"But...but, it's right here. I can see it right now...I can read you the messages if you'd like?" Nico asks, desperation laced in his tone. What is happening what is happening what is happening? Dr. Jasons looks concerned.

"That'd be good, Nico."

And so, Nico does. He starts from the beginning, and Dr. Jasons stops him when he reads out " **Bianca** " as the answer to Nico asking who it was. It's then that Dr. Jasons starts writing something down on his little clipboard again. Nico just continues to read and when he gets back to the most recent messages, he lets out a large breath and looks to Dr. Jasons for some kind of clarity.

Dr. Jasons just smiles sadly at him and hands him a piece of paper.

It's a prescription.

"I'm prescribing you aripiprazole, or abilify, Nico. It's an antipsychotic medication and I want you to come in again in a week or two so we can do proper blood work and tests. I don't want you to start this medicine until after we have your tests. We might have to prescribe you quetiapine, or seroquel, instead, but I think abilify will work just fine. I'm sure you must be very confused, Nico, but we've been talking for a while now, and after what you just told me, I think you're experiencing a type of psychosis that is caused from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Psychosis is how we classify... uhm... schizophrenics. I don't believe you are a schizophrenic, but I do believe you are unfortunate enough to be going through symptoms of it. I'm really truly sorry, Nico."

Nico doesn't think he hears his heartbeat loud enough. He doesn't think that the walls are closing in on him quick enough. He doesn't think the sky is pushing him down fast enough. He doesn't think he's breathing enough and he's terrified.

Psychosis.

Psychotic.

He looks back down at his phone and he can't read the words because they're too blurry.

His mind is chaos.

* * *

Percy texts Nico he's sorry two days later, and Nico doesn't know how to feel about it. He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about anything. Is that what psychos think? Do they think at all? Do they ever stop thinking? Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Is he psychotic?

He wants to bite down on his wrist until it's bleeding everything he feels.

Nico leans back against his couch, staring at the picture of Bianca across the room. Dr. Jasons said he was imagining it all.

Nico pulls out his phone, and reads through the messages, not understanding how what he's seeing right in front of him isn't actually real. There has to be some kind of mistake, right? God, _please_ let there be some kind of mistake.

He feels like the world is falling on him, but he doesn't think he doesn't like it.

Nico decides for the fourth time in his life that he doesn't like being alive.

He decides not to text Percy back.

* * *

Nico is hungry for the first time in three days, but when he opens his cabinets, he realizes all he has left is the coffee he has in a bin. Some special coffee that he rarely goes out and buys because he's rarely made his own coffee at home.

Nico wonders what would happen if he poured scalding hot coffee on his face, and if it would be enough to kill him. Fuck. He misses Bianca so incredibly much. Why why why.

He shuts the cabinet with a quiet press of a hand. His hand burns. Everything burns.

The world is fucking burning, and Nico just wants to cry for ages.

So he does.

* * *

He's missed way too much school, and Nico's worried that he might not receive credit for some of his classes. He emailed some of his teachers, explaining that a very personal problem has occurred, and he's spending time in the hospital, and even though most were understanding and emailed him his work, Nico still felt like everything would simply be a Waste in the end.

So he gets out of bed that day, manages to let himself buy a muffin, eats half of it before throwing it away before he throws up, and goes through the first class he has that day silently and depressingly.

He's been ignoring everyone, and Nico knows that he doesn't owe anything to anybody, but he still feels guilty about it. He considers them his friends, and he hopes they think the same of him. At least, he thinks a couple of them are his friends.

He doesn't want to be a bother, really. That's it.

And if not being a bother means that Nico turns his phone off or just leaves it in his room to constantly charge then that's how he'll do it.

He's already a bother to himself, to his doctor even, and don't forget about his fucking _father._

_Even Percy._

Nico misses Percy. Not in the sort of way he misses Bianca, of course. No, it's nothing like that. He misses Bianca in a way that it never leaves the back of his mind. He finds her in everything he sees somehow, and wants to curl up and wait for her to come home and save him from his thoughts like she usually did. He misses Bianca, and her comfort, her safety, the secure feeling that Nico felt when he was with her. He misses her so _goddamned much._

Nico misses Percy in a completely different way. He misses Percy's small smile, or the way he makes the worst fucking jokes, and still cracks up like it's the funniest thing in the world. He misses the way Percy gives himself to what he's paying attention to, and the way that Percy would look at him in the eye when they were talking to each other. Nobody else really looks at Nico in the eye anymore.

Especially strangers. Especially strangers because they can tell that something is fucked up with Nico, but they don't know what. Maybe Percy is a stranger then.

A stranger that he's in love with.

' _Don't talk to strangers_ ', he remembers Bianca telling him constantly when he was just a child. She was a child too, but back then, she was a superhero.

_Too late,_ Nico thinks sourly. _Too fucking late._

* * *

_"Nico!"_

_No, please not again. Not this shit again please please please please please please ple-_

_"NICO, STOP LIVING!"_

_Please please please please please please please please plea-_

_"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!"_

_I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I kn-_

_"WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE ALREADY?"_

_ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok_

* * *

Nico feels like a living zombie, which is irony in itself. College never seems to end, but Nico somehow still does his coursework. In fact, it's all he ever does. He does nothing but his coursework. If he stops doing his coursework then he starts to think of darker thoughts.

Everyone continues to try and contact him, and Nico isn't sure if they're unaware of his situation or are trying to get him back on his feet. He doesn't really know anything anymore.

Whatever, honestly. Whatever and fuck it all to everything.

Nico's impressed he's still living, honestly.

Whatever.

* * *

Nico finally got his blood work done today, and now, he's back at home with a packet of info about the prescriptions they are thinking about giving him and a little BandAid patch over the vein in his right arm.

Nico's back at home now, skimming through the the packets when he hears a knock on his door. This isn't the first knock he's heard in the past week and a half, but it is the first time he doesn't stop to think about how he doesn't really want to answer the door and deal with someone else when he can't even deal with himself. He's opening the door before he knows it, and Nico isn't even surprised anymore to see Percy on the other side.

Percy lets out a small smile upon seeing the door open, and Nico respectively. Nico doesn't say anything.

"Hey, long time, huh?" Percy says. Nico nods. "Can we hang out somewhere today? Or are you busy? Sorry, I did text you, but well, you're not really responding? I don't want to seem intrusive though so if you don't want to talk to me, you can just say." Nico purses his lips, and Percy goes on. "So basically, would you mind hanging out with me today?"

"I wouldn't mind, no," Nico finally answers. "Where do you want to hang out?"

Percy shrugs. "Just not the café. Funnily enough, it's not all that fun being at the place you work when you aren't working. How about a park? Or a library? Or anywhere really, I don't know, sorry."

Nico shrugs. "Any of those places sound good to me." Percy nods, but then Nico gets an idea. "Actually... I have an idea."

Percy smiles. "Then, lead the way, Nico di Angelo."

* * *

"We're in a cemetery," Percy decides to state when Nico finally stops in front of his sister's gravestone. Nico nods solemnly, but with a small smile on his face. This is weird. He knows it is, but he's been thinking about doing this for a while now. After making a short stop at some shop, Nico holds the flowers tightly, grasping onto them like he grasps onto his memories of Bianca.

"This is Bianca's," he says, gesturing to her gravestone. Percy's eyes widen, and Nico watches to see if he'll freak out like he usually does and run away.

This time, however, Percy takes a few breaths and gestures to one of the flowers from the bouquet. "May I?"

Nico nods and plucks one of the forget-me-nots out from the bouquet. He hands it to Percy, who delicately turns it around between his fingers. It's as if the flower is dancing against Percy. Nico purses his lips thinking that's strange.

Too much about Nico is strange.

Especially his thoughts.

Nico watches as Percy takes a deep breath and finally bends down and places the flower on top of the headstone. Nico thinks he hears Percy whisper something, but he doesn't really hear it and he's not about to ask. After a few long seconds drag on, Percy straightens up, clears his throat, and moves out of the way for Nico. Nico smiles at him, and Percy tries to manage a smile back.

Nico tries not to think about that too much.

He takes Percy's place, and bends down as well, placing the flowers next to Percy's.

"I miss you," he says. He has more to say. Nico knows he does. He's been thinking about this for weeks now, and he knows he has more to say, but Nico can't feel anything except for his throat constrict and his mind wash away into nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Fuck. Percy's right behind him; maybe he shouldn't have brought him. "I miss you, Bianca," he repeats.

Damnit damnit damnit. That can't be it. Nico stands back up.

No no no you have more to say. _Is it really you? Is it?_

_Are you the one texting me? How? You're dead, Bianca. How? How how how how how how how how how ho-  
_

"Nico?" Percy asks, and Nico blinks, his thoughts cutting off abruptly. What was he thinking about? Why is he here? What the fuck is happening to him?

"Let's go," he says. His voice is scratchy. Nico wants to claw at it. He also wants to kiss Percy. Fuck. Percy is still here. "Come on, where to now?" Nico asks, attempting to change the mood. _Light-hearted_ , he thinks, _go for light-hearted_.

Percy eyes him warily, but shrugs nonetheless. "I'm following you today, di Angelo."

Nico can't help but smile a bit at that.

* * *

They ended up going a different café because they're not original and enjoy simple decisions. Also, Nico made one off-hand comment about how they weren't having coffee like they usually do, and Percy declared that ridiculous before dragging him off to another café. Nico truly believes Percy has been to every single one in town.

What a dork.

They both order their usual and sit down across from each other near one of the tables in the back. Not like anybody was really here anyway except for a few stranglers coming in and out and that one girl on her laptop with skull headphones over her head.

"So, what have you been doing, Nico?" Percy asks. Nico grimaces before he can stop himself. He shrugs.

"Living," is what he replies with because well, it's the truth. Even if it's just a blanket-statement to cover everything else up.

Percy stares at him for a long while, and Nico shifts uncomfortably under his gaze.

"I'm glad you're living," Percy finally says, and Nico stills. Holy shit.

Nico gulps, and nods, trying to push down the tears that are threatening to come out. He is not going to cry. He is so fucking tired of crying.

"Thank you," he finally lets himself respond. "Thank you, Percy."

Percy nods, a little smile on his face, and his green eyes are dancing. Everything is dancing, and when Nico is with Percy, he's a little less sad and a little more happy.

"Percy Jackson, and Nico...er di Angelo?" the barista calls, and Percy immediately stands up to retrieve the drinks. Nico isn't left alone for long, and now he's quietly sipping on his coffee.

Percy is too. It's quiet, but it's nice. Comfortable. Understanding.

Nico prefers this feeling over any other.

"So how are you?" Nico questions, wanting to steer the conversation in a direction he doesn't mind at all. Percy- well, he never minds Percy.

Percy blinks a few times. "Er, I'm good, yeah. I don't know. I don't really know what I've been doing recently. I'm kind of just...here," he ends. Nico bites his lips. That's far too understandable. He's about to try and offer something else to say, but Percy goes on, a defeated slump in his stance. "I broke up with Annabeth yesterday."

Nico stops moving his cup to his face, and sets it down as quietly as he can, not wanting to be any sort of bother to anybody, especially Percy. He broke up with Annabeth?

"Why?" he asks. He knows why. He knows why. Percy told him.

"I don't think I can love her the way she loves me anymore," Percy mumbles. "I haven't been a good boyfriend, and I think that the situation I'm in now has fucked me up so much that I couldn't go back to pretending like it was the way before. I...I just...I pretend with her too much. I felt like suffocating at the end, and I knew that I wasn't making her happy either. I was suffocating both of us, and for absolutely no reason at all except for my own mind going insane."

Nico is stunned into silence. Percy takes a deep breath and then slowly drinks his coffee, not offering any more, but not seeming to expect anything from Percy either. Nico doesn't really know what to say. What would help? Does he even have the right to help? God, who _is_ he to Percy?

"I know she'll be happy again. Maybe not right now, but she will be. It's good that you were thinking of her," is what Nico advises. Percy gives him a thankful smile.

"I wish she didn't have to be hurt. I really do. But... I know I would have ended up hurting her more if I let it continue. I did love her. I really did. I just can't really deal with it right now? Like? I need to find myself again or something like that. I don't know. It's only been a day, and I know it'll get easier as time goes on. But I think I just need to focus on myself right now. Do you understand?"

"Sort of," Nico says. It's the truth. Nico does "sort of" understand. On one hand, Nico needs to worry about himself more and take care of himself, but on the other, Nico doesn't give a single shit about himself. He could be hit by a bus on the way home, and that would be just a dozen less problems he'd have to deal with.

Plus it could be a chance to be with Bianca again. It could be a chance. It's not like he knows what happens after death. He has no fucking clue. He doesn't like thinking about it, but if there was even the smallest of chances that if he died, he could see his sister and mother again then he wouldn't be completely miserable going into death.

He might even embrace it. Death could be a friend. But also a deadly and dangerous foe. Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"Nico?" Percy asks. "You still there? You kind of zoned out."

"Yeah," Nico answers. "I'm still here."

The statement has a tone of finality to it.

He takes another sip of his coffee.

* * *

Percy drops him off at his apartment an hour later, and as soon as Percy leaves, the feeling is back. The Feeling. Death and pain and hatred and emotions that turn him into Nothing.

Nothing.

That's what he is.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. He pulls it out.

**to: nico**

**from: percy jackson!**

**received 5:24 pm**

**hey nico. you're a good friend :) tahnks for evrything :) see you soon, yeah?**

A friend. Friend. Maybe he is something.

**to: percy jackson!**

**from: nico**

**sent 5:24 pm**

**yeah. see you soon :)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are superb :)
> 
> much love  
> here's my [tumblr](http://iwannapandanamedchubs.tumblr.com/)  
> if you wanna talk by the way :) i am here for you. 
> 
> -DiAnna44


	14. part XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, wow, it's been a while, so SORRY. I realized that with this chapter included, I updated a grand total of THREE times this year. What the hell. Dianna, you sUCK. 
> 
> I'm sorry about that. I really am quite overwhelmed with my personal life, and this year has been particularly rough on me. :/// 
> 
> I've already begun writing the next chapter. Expect an update sometime in January. Early January, hopefully. 
> 
> If I don't update in January (I will though!!) you have every right to bother me and bug me and leave me mean reviews. (No, please, I'm a weak soul, don't do that.)
> 
> hopefully you enjoy this angsty piece of shit :)

Nico's bloodwork assured him and the doctors of his ability to take abilify. He started taking it yesterday. It's an almost rectangle-shaped blue pill, which Nico finds interesting, and the blue of the color makes him think of Bianca, and that's an issue too present in his mind.

Percy seems relieved he's no longer dating Annabeth, but Nico feels bad when he hears how Annabeth is supposedly doing. Not well, they tell him. "They" being Thalia, who cornered him one day between classes to ask how Percy was doing. He doesn't understand why his friends keep assuming Nico suddenly knows everything there is to know about Percy. He doesn't.

Why would he? He's not special.

He was scared when he went to pick up his prescription from the closest pharmacy. He's scared of what he can do with the medicine they give him. He's so so scared of himself.

Absolutely terrified.

He shuts his eyes, and shuts off the world.

* * *

 

Nico wants to drop out of college. He knows it's not in the sort of way that his peers around him do, the way where they're stressed and busy and can't learn to plan assignments. He's not that sort of Mindset.

He's sitting at his shitty kitchen table, and he has nothing to stare at yet he does anyway. Why is he even in college?

To get away from his father?

Done. He's no longer in his scope of grasp.

To forget Bianca?

Won't ever work won't ever work won't ever work in that case, he should just quit living altogether.

It isn't as if he has a reason for attending college anyway. He doesn't. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and frankly, he doesn't really give a shit about continuing his education right now. He doesn't care he doesn't care he doesn't care what's the point of anything at all when he can barely even breathe?

He wants to drop out of college, and Nico hasn't been so sure of anything in such a long time. He's been a living mess of insecurity and doubt and indecisiveness and failure, but now Nico is sure about something once again.

Unfortunately it's not something that will make others proud. It's not something to be proud of.

Dropping out of college.

He doesn't have to worry about the student loans because his father, the rich fucking bastard that he is, already paid for everything. He'd be upset though. He would also get a reimbursement, however, of all those years Nico wouldn't do.

Nico could just leave. Nico could just so easily get up and leave, and never return to this miserable place again. He could change his number. He wouldn't have to tell anybody. He could just leave leave leave leave leave leave.

He can't do that.

Fuck.

* * *

 

"Hi, Hazel," Nico says immediately when he hears that she picked up the phone.

"Nico?" she asks. She seems confused. As anyone would be. Nico isn't one to call others first. He isn't one to initiate that kind of contact.

"Hey," he says again. "I needed to talk to somebody."

She doesn't say anything for a moment, and Nico considers just continuing on. She responds just as he opens his mouth. "Of course. What is it?"

"I want to drop out of college."

"What?"

"I want to drop out of college," he says again.

Hazel doesn't hesitate. "Okay."

"What?" he asks, surprised.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Hazel sighs. "Yes, Nico. Do it. If you really want to, you should do it. Do whatever is best for you, Nico. I mean it."

"But what about him?"

"He can go fuck himself. I'm not going to lie, he's going to be upset, but I think you know that, Nico. He'll be upset, but you can't live your entire life based on what our father wants. You just... you do what you want, Nico. Seriously."

Hazel was right. Nico knew she was, but he was still paralyzed with fear. Nico feared his father. Nico feared himself and Nico feared so much, and even though he tries so hard to be brave every day, sometimes it just isn't enough.

Nico knows he's a fucking coward, and he's afraid.

"Thank you, Hazel. That helped. Thank you," he says.

"I'm glad," she whispers.

Nico hangs up.

* * *

 

"Hey, Nico," Percy greets him, his mood noticeably happier than usual. Nico gives him a tight smile as he makes his way to the counter to order his coffee. "What will it be today? The same as always?" Percy asks.

Nico eyes him, and Percy keeps the gaze, mirth in his eyes.

Nico wonders why he's in such a good mood.

"Yeah. Same as always," Nico mumbles. At least Percy is having a good day. With all of the stupid shit happening to him, he deserves it. He deserves to be happy.

Does Nico?

(No no no no no no.)

Nico decides not to think about it, and he sighs as Percy hums happily to himself while making Nico's drink. It doesn't seem to be busy today, and Percy is the only worker out in the front.

Nobody else is here either.

Percy turns back to him, drink in hand, and despite the concern in Percy's eyes, he's still smiling.

"Thanks," Nico says. Percy doesn't say anything. He only continues to just stare at Nico.

Nico hasn't felt this awkward around Percy in a while. He just wants a break. A rest. He just doesn't want to think about the fact that he's trying to decide (he's already decided) whether or not he should drop out of college (he is). He doesn't want to think about his dad. He doesn't want to think about Bianca. He doesn't want to think about his future or his past or anything at all.

He just wants to be.

Nico clears his throat, and turns to walk away, not sure whether he should just leave the café or stay for a bit.

He only takes two steps before Percy's speaking.

"That's it?" Percy says, hurt in his voice.

Nico turns around, confused, and Percy's still goddamned staring at him. Nico just widens his eyes and looks helplessly at the older boy. Percy huffs, rolling his eyes, as he walks out from behind the counter to be standing next to Nico.

"You barely said a word to me, di Angelo."

"Oh," Nico says. "Well, you didn't say anything to me!" Nico knows that's not necessarily true, but it's out of his mouth before he can help it.

Percy raises a single eyebrow in response.

Nico looks down.

Percy continues to be silent.

Nico is trying not to cry. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"Nico, what's wrong?"

Nico refuses to cry. Absolutely not. Percy's in a good mood. Percy's in a good mood, and Nico isn't, but Percy deserves a fucking break.

(Does Nico?

Probably not.)

Nico looks back up at Percy who doesn't have a smile on his face anymore. Nico can't have that.

"Don't worry, Percy," Nico says. It wasn't a lie, and that's what matters. Percy, of course, still looks worried, and looks like he's going to ask something else, but Nico stops him. "Why are you in a good mood today?"

Percy smiles at that almost immediately.

"My mother woke up for a bit today. Her eyes opened apparently. She was awake. She was awake," Percy exclaims. Percy's happy, Nico can tell. He's so happy right now, and Nico absorbs that feeling.

Nico smiles blindingly at Percy, who smiles just as widely back at him. And before Nico can say anything more, something like "I'm so happy for you" (he is) or "how long was she awake?" (he will ask that), Percy has leaned forward and pulled Nico in for a hug, and Nico maybe forgets everything.

Percy's hug is tight, impassioned and full of happiness, and Nico almost thinks Percy will let go of Nico, but he doesn't, and Nico just sort of helplessly hugs him back.

Finally, however, Percy lets him go, still smiling ridiculously happy.

"How long was she awake?" Nico asks, missing the embrace too much for friendship.

"Almost two hours!" Percy exclaims. "Apparently, none of the doctors were expecting it, and she still can't move her body, but she really was awake for nearly two hours. When they told me, I immediately went over to her. I got to see my mother's eyes again for almost an hour."

"Don't people in comas just... wake up?" Nico says, immediately flinching, scared that that was an inappropriate question to ask.

But Percy didn't seem to mind. "No, that's usually just something they do in movies and such. Usually, it's a gradual process for coma patients to wake up, and the first step is usually them opening their eyes!" Percy adds, giddy. He's still so close to Nico, maybe a little less than a foot away from Nico, and Nico never realized how much taller Percy is than him, but now that Percy's body is so close (so warm so comforting so not anything Nico deserves to even look at), Nico tries to focus on Percy's mother rather than his own emotions.

This is about Percy.

Not Nico.

(Never Nico.)

Nico smiles. "I'm really happy for you, Percy."

Percy just continues to grin back as he says, "I am too."

Nico doesn't say anything back. He doesn't know what he could say to make the situation better, and he doesn't want to risk making the situation worse. Percy seems content to let it be, however, and doesn't say anything either for a few long seconds. Nico sits down. Percy does the same. The silence isn't uncomfortable. It's a companionable kind of silence, and Nico isn't really used to these kinds of silences, but he enjoys it nonetheless. It's nice.

Refreshing. Soothing. Calming. All of which Nico needs so desperately right now.

"So, how are you?" Percy asks. He's back to being concerned again, but it's obvious he's still happy about his mother. Nico finds it sweet that Percy still wonders about him.

(He doesn't know why.

He's useless.)

"OK," Nico responds. "I'm..." he looks down, grasping at his coffee cup too tightly, not enough to burn him, but it's not comfortable either. He doesn't let go though, and Percy seems to notice. He reaches over, and placing his hand over Nico's for a brief second, unattached Nico's hand from the cup.

"Careful. You'll burn yourself," Percy says, laughing, his voice obviously strained. Fuck fuck fuck! Nico didn't want to worry him. He's already being such a burden to Percy, and he hasn't even told him anything! Why is Nico so useless? Why is he so fucking stupid?! "Nico."

Nico looks back up at Percy, and Nico then realizes that Percy is still holding his hand. Percy isn't warm, but he isn't cold, but Nico feels safe, but he feels so so scared. Observing Percy, he notes the bright happiness slowly fade into concern, and Nico feels so fucking guilty.

Just tell him. He won't care. Stop freaking him out. He's your friend. He considers you his friend. Just tell him. Just tell him just tell him, it's not even that big of a deal. It doesn't even matter. It's not like you'll stop seeing him. Just tell him just tell him just tell him, why can't you just fucking tell him, you useless person?!

"I-I want to drop out of school," Nico finds himself whispering, and once he started, he finds that he can't stop. "I want to leave. I want it to stop, and I'm worried about so much, and I don't even fucking know why I'm going to school right now. I'm going because it was an escape from him, but I've already escaped from him, physically at least. He still calls and stuff. He scares me. I don't even know why I'm at school. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I'm just a useless person taking up space on this planet with absolutely no fucking purpose in life."

And despite Nico's best efforts, he realizes that he's crying. He realizes that he's crying, and Percy looks so heartbroken, and it's because of Nico. Not even ten minutes ago, Percy was a ray of sunshine, and now, Nico's made him sad. Nico's made him sad, and is that all Nico does?

Why is he even here?

Percy doesn't do anything but sit there, and Nico doesn't expect him to do anything at all. Why does Percy even hang around him? Nico was just another stupid customer in his café, one who only obsessively came because of his stupid crush on Percy. Why did Percy have to extend his friendship to him? Why was he so dorky and cute and brilliant and kindhearted? Why couldn't Percy be anybody else?

"Nico," Percy finally says, and Nico is still crying, but he can still hear him. Nico doesn't do or say anything, and Percy is still holding his hand, how long has he been holding his hand? "Nico, there's no way you could be useless when you have your friends and family. You aren't useless to me at all. You've never been useless. You're someone I've grown very close to, Nico. Closer than I imagined. And if you want to drop out of college, do it. It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it. Your whole life isn't going to be college, Nico. You'll be fine, I swear. And I'll be here, every step of the way with you, to make sure you will be."

(Nico is just a burden just a burden just a burden just a burden just a burden— no, no, no, no, he isn't.)

Nico blinks at Percy, and he doesn't see his crush. He doesn't see the boy he fantasizes over. He sees one of his best friends, and Nico realizes that beyond his crush, underneath all of the feelings on top, he has a friend in Percy.

Percy is his friend. Percy has been his friend for who knows how long, and Nico realizes that he often forgets that when all he sees is the unrequited love he has for him.

Honestly, fuck Nico's insecurities and emotions. Nico knows, so deep down inside of him, that he doesn't deserve any of this shit. Not any of it. He fucking doesn't, but he feels it. He feels it everywhere. In his heart, in his mind, in his cut up arms, in his face, in his memories and dreams and feelings and in the pictures he has on the wall. He feels it, and that's stronger than anything else.

(So that deep part inside of him that knows he's a good person, that knows Percy considers him a close friend, that knows Hades won't be around forever and doesn't have any more control over Nico, that knows Bianca wouldn't blame him and that she loves him, that knows Hazel has only ever loved him and there are no ulterior motives, that knows dropping out of college is okay and that life will be just fine, that knows he'll find love someday perhaps and it'll all be okay, that knows of the beauties of the world and how good it feels to laugh and to sing and to dance and to be with friends that love you and to get drunk with friends and to go swimming or go flying or go sightseeing or go camping or go watch a movie or anything perhaps bowling anything like that, ends up not mattering at all. Nico knows all of this. He isn't actually an idiot. He isn't useless. He's a good friend with a good heart. He's a geek and he's somewhat pretentious in his music and movie tastes. He deserves to be on this planet just like everybody else. Nico knows all of this.)

He just doesn't feel it. Why can't he just feel happy and appreciated and loved why doesn't he feel anything except for sadness and hatred and pessimism?

"I'm sorry, Percy," Nico ends up saying. He's stopped crying. He doesn't know when he stopped, and he still doesn't know when he started, but that doesn't matter because he feels so guilty for even existing. "I'm sorry. Thank you. You're my friend too."

The words sound like plastic to Nico. It's like he doesn't have any control, like he's screaming and screaming and screaming his thoughts, but it's those emotions that are speaking for him. Like he's on autopilot. It's like he doesn't even exist as himself anymore.

(He's so scared of himself sometimes. So so scared. Absolutely terrified.)

"Hey, Nico?" Percy eventually says. His voice sounds weird, which is why Nico looks at him, wondering what he'll say next. Percy keeps his gaze. "Are you busy tonight?"

Nico doesn't know what's that's relevant. And he almost wants to laugh because when is he ever busy? When is his life ever that important? He pauses, wondering what will happen if he says 'no' and wondering what will happen if he says 'yes'.

"No," he finally answers. He sounds too soft. Nico clears his throat, Percy still looking at him. "No, I'm not doing anything tonight. No."

Percy nods, and Nico has no clue. Is he going to ask Nico for a favor? Is he just randomly curious? Why does he want to know? Does he suspect Nico of something? Does he—

"Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?"

That's... that's not what Nico was expecting.

"Yeah," Nico says, and wait, what? He just cried his eyes out in front of Percy, and now he's asking him to dinner? Does that make sense? That doesn't make sense.

What.

Percy is smiling at him now, looking pleased. "Okay, uhm, awesome, yeah."

Nico still doesn't say anything.

"Do you have like... a favorite place to eat?" Percy hesitantly asks, and Nico still doesn't really know what's going on.

"Not really. I mean, I'm not picky. I don't... really go out to eat very much," Nico admits. Percy doesn't seem to find that odd though.

"Okay, well, then I'll just choose a place. I'll pick you up at seven? Is that a good time?" Percy asks, suddenly seeming nervous. (Which... no, it can't be.)

Nico mutely nods. Percy continues on.

"Awesome. So. Seven. Yeah, I'll be there then. At seven. To pick you up. At seven."

Nico has no fucking clue what's going on.

"I'll be ready at seven then," Nico says, finding that his voice is unnaturally even after what just happened and what is currently happening. Perhaps he's too in shock.

Yeah. Shock.

That must be it.

"Great," Percy smiles, bringing Nico's attention back to him. "Seven it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reviews are quite amazing
> 
> (just like you)
> 
> ;)
> 
> check me out on [tumblr](http://iwannapandanamedchubs.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	15. part XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE AUFJKASM, THIS CHAPTER WAS SUCH A BITCH TO WRITE!
> 
> also this story will officially have 21 chapters! they're all planned out and everything :)) 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!

Nico accidentally fell asleep, and when he wakes up, he realizes he has thirty minutes until Percy comes over to pick him up.

For what? Their _date?_

Is that the right word? Is that what this is? Nico still doesn't know, and maybe he doesn't even want to know. He does know that he made an even bigger fool of himself in front of Percy earlier today, and now Percy knows things about Nico that even Nico doesn't like to admit.

As Nico's getting ready, he remembers Bianca. He remembers her first date. It was some boy from school, and Nico was only twelve at the time. She was fourteen, and so excited to use the makeup she bought with her chore money. Nico remembers being annoyed because she couldn't play with him. She had informed him that she would be "right back" and then they could play then.

Nico had pouted the entire time she got ready, and when the boy arrived, it was Nico who answered the door, immediately scowling at him. Bianca didn't tell anyone but Nico about the date, and it's not like Nico was going to tell her secret or anything. He loved her too much to do that, but he had still been scared that she would get caught and get into trouble because of it.

She didn't get into trouble. And apparently she had a great time, the boy being very polite to her. They went to an arcade or something, Nico doesn't necessarily remember.

He remembers her telling him that she would be there to help Nico with his dates though. He remembers hugging her. He remembers her so vividly, and Nico misses her _so much._

( _Stop it. Stop thinking about her._ )

He's on the couch, and Percy will be here soon, and maybe he should get ready?

(This probably isn't even a date. He's being ridiculous.)

He stands up, allowing himself to drift off to his room, and he puts on clothes mindlessly, not too worried about anything like his appearances. He knows he's unattractive, and he knows that this probably isn't a date in the first place.

Percy just needs a friend. He needs someone.

(A small part of him, a tiny, minuscule little detail of his mind is telling him that he should dress up nicely because this very well could be a date, but Nico shoves that thought away and it disappears into insecurities.)

He's tired, and he didn't take his medicine last night, and he needs to start getting used to that schedule, the schedule of a pill-living life, but that's okay, right?

(Will he be okay?)

Nico's phone buzzes, and he takes it out, noting that he still has twenty minutes left until Percy comes over.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 6:42 pm**

**you'll be okay**

_Not real not real not real not real you're not real this isn't real,_ Nico thinks, as he blurrily looks down at the message. _There's nothing there you're imagining it get a grip get a grip it's not real._ Nico is shaking and he doesn't mean to be, but no matter how long he stares down at the message and tries to convince himself that it's not real, the message doesn't go away, and Nico is still shaking, and then he's throwing his phone at the wall and he watches as it hits loudly and falls to the ground pathetically.

"Shit," he mutters, and he makes his way to the wall, and picks up his phone. There's a crack in his phone, but it's not broken, and Nico, for the shortest of a moment, sees that he has no new messages, but then it appears again, and Nico is so _angry_ at himself.

It's 6:45.

Nico is so _angry_ and _disappointed_ and _heartbroken._

(He's pathetic, he has to be, making up something like this just because he misses his sister. There's a person who loses someone close to them every day so why is Nico responding so pathetically? Why is he the freak? Why can't he just miss her and move on? Why is she everywhere and everywhere and absolutely nowhere at all because she's _dead_?)

6:49.

Nico needs to put on his shoes. It's the only thing he hasn't done yet, but it seems so hard for him to move. He's stuck, absolutely paralyzed by his own fear and misunderstanding of his own reality, so how could he possibly move to put on something as insignificant as _shoes?_

6:50.

He misses Bianca, and he's so tired of saying that. It's stuck on repeat in his mind, and he wants to rip out his brain and throw that against the wall instead.

6:52.

He's moving. His shoes are so close, and when he reaches them, he lets out a sigh of relief that's he still alive and that he's still here, but wait, that can't be quite right, he should be dead, right?

6:53.

He slips on his shoes quickly.

6:54.

Nico hears knocking on the door, and he had just finished tying his shoelaces, and he feels a small ounce of pride in himself for being able to do something that seems so small to others, but so so large to him.

(He's pathetic.)

He walks to the door, but right before he opens it, the sense of panic rises in his chest, and it hits him straight on, and Nico gasps, panting, wondering what's going to happen tonight, wondering why Percy invited him to dinner, wondering if he's just overanalyzing all of this, which, probably.

He opens the door.

6:56.

Percy is absolutely gorgeous, and Nico feels the nerves start to pound against his chest and against his mind and against any logic in which he'd use words to greet Percy, but of course, he fails at that as well.

"Hey," Percy grins.

"Hi," Nico responds.

They could make it awkward, but thankfully, they don't allow it to be. Percy just keeps smiling. "Ready?" he asks, and Nico nods. He is, and the nerves are starting to settle now for something else close to excitement.

Percy smiles even wider, and lets out a breath. "Okay, sweet. Then, let's go," he says.

Nico allows himself to smile back. "Yeah."

* * *

The date had been going fine. It had been going _swell_ even, and Nico internally corrects himself from saying "date". The... dinner. The _dinner_ had been going fine, but of course Nico had to screw it up.

They talked almost the entirety of the car ride to the restaurant, which was some Italian place ("Get it? Because your Italian," Percy had said, which Nico absolutely did _not_ fondly roll his eyes over), and Percy made a ton of cute jokes that Nico laughed about, and Nico was feeling his nerves start to settle, and Percy was so _nice_ and just absolutely _dorky._

But halfway through the dinner, Nico's wrists started to itch, started to hurt, started to scream at him, and then he felt his phone vibrate, and Nico knew, he _knew_ who it was, _what_ it was, and despite being told that it's all in his head, that it's made up, that it's just his cruel imagination tormenting him because he still needed time to get over Bianca, he pulled out his phone to see what it said.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 7:47 pm**

**you're lying to yourself**

"Nico?" Percy asks, and Nico has stopped breathing. His heart is loud, loud, loud so damn loud, and his stomach feels like it's collapsing in on itself, and Nico had worked himself up for this meal with Percy, and _why_?

_Why_ did he think he could enjoy a perfectly good meal with Percy? Why was he calling it a date in his head? Why did he think he could get away with living when Bianca is still dead? Why did he think he could have his life for himself? _Why_ is he still alive?

"Nico?" Percy tries again, but he's just another background noise to Nico, just another person that will leave him, just another person that won't matter in the end, just another—

"Nico!" Percy exclaims, and Nico looks at him.

(And Nico briefly remembers what Percy said to him. He remembers what Percy told him. He remembers what Percy promised him as a friend above else.)

"Sorry," Nico finds himself saying. Percy is frowning, and Nico can tell he's uncomfortable, of _course_ he made him uncomfortable, of _course._

(Percy didn't know what he was talking about.)

"Hey, is everything alright? You don't have to lie to me by the way. I want to know," Percy says, and Nico feels his heart beat louder.

(Dr. Jasons told him it was psychois. He's making it all up. He's making the texts up. It isn't real it isn't real it isn't real he just misses Bianca.)

"I have a lot of complicated feelings," Nico suddenly blurts out. Percy doesn't say anything, and takes a sip of his drink (he ordered a Coke). Nico realizes he's barely eaten. "I mean, we all have complicated feelings, of course, but, I can't really explain it? Sorry."

Percy shakes his head, a small smile on his face. "No, it's okay. Don't apologize, Nico. Just know I'm here for you. I want to be here for you. I'm making you one of my priorities, Nico, so... so, anything goes, okay?"

What does _that_ mean?

Nico just nods. "Yeah, but... they're... _complicated_."

(He's crazy he's crazy he's crazy he's crazy he misses Bianca _so_ _much_ , and he's so _tired_ of repeating those words in his mind. He's so tired of being _tired_. He's so tired of being s _ad_. He's so tired of everything everything _everything_.)

Percy doesn't say anything for a while, and Nico doesn't know if the silence is uncomfortable or not.

"You don't have to tell me anything, Nico. Not if you really don't want to," Percy says, and then he's leaning forward, placing his chin on his hands, and he's just _looking_ at Nico, and Nico doesn't know what to do.

(He doesn't always have to know what to do, but he _wants_ to know what to do. He hates feeling like this. He hates it. He hates himself.)

Nico looks down at his meal; he'd completely forgotten about it. Fettucini. He's not hungry, but he eats stabs at it with his fork anyway to at least give the semblance that he's going to take a bite. Eventually, the silence becomes too much. It's too much.

"Tell me about you," Nico eventually says, and Nico can tell Percy is a little disappointed that Nico didn't talk about his...problem, but he doesn't bring it up.

Percy laughs, and Nico frowns when he realizes it's self-deprecating. "I mean, my mother woke up for a bit, but she's back in the coma. All of Annabeth's friends are trying to make me feel bad about breaking up with her, and Annabeth keeps trying to talk to me."

"What is she saying?" Nico asks before finally taking another bite of his food.

Percy shifts in his seat. "She's bringing up the idea of us getting back together after our little 'break'. She doesn't... she doesn't want to let go of me, basically."

"That sucks. What have you told her?" Nico asks.

Percy looks uncomfortable again. "I mean... I've been telling her 'no' basically. I told her that I don't want to get back together at first, but she's been trying for so long now, and I don't know... maybe she's right? Maybe I'm just so overwhelmed and would be able to date her after everything fixed itself? But at the same time, I think... I think I just don't... love her like that anymore."

Nico doesn't know what to say. He's never dealt with any kind of relationship properly, and he knows Percy is hurting, but he doesn't know how he can even try to help him. He doesn't even know how to help himself.

"I'm sorry, Percy," is all he says in the end. It's all he really can say. He can't offer advice. His advice would have no basis behind it. Percy just shrugs.

"She'll stop eventually. I know she's hurting right now, and she's smart enough to quickly realize that she needs to stop. At least, I hope so."

A silence. Nico wants to fill it. "I don't have any experience with relationships... that's why I can't really help you. The only "experience" I've had is being an onlooker of relationships Bianca would have, I guess. And even that wasn't much."

"It's okay, Nico. You don't have to be the relationship guru. I just... I think I needed to tell somebody," says Percy.

Nico nods. "I'm here to listen."

Percy seems uncomfortable for a moment, and Nico wonders why now all of a sudden. Why is he even eating with Nico? Why would he _want_ to?

"Do you miss her a lot?" Percy suddenly asks, and Nico realizes Percy is no longer looking at him.

Nico swallows, and nods. "Yes. I do. So much."

Percy still hasn't looked back up at him. Nico wants to shake him and ask why he gets like this when he talks about Bianca. He wants to know what's going on his mind. He wants to know he wants to know does he know something Nico doesn't?

"I miss her too," Percy says, and Nico simply nods. When Nico never says anything else, Percy quickly moves onto telling a funny story about a man who came in and tried to order a hamburger from them.

And Nico finds himself not thinking about, not worrying or anything of that sort about Bianca for a while, and Percy's smile is so nice to see, and Nico laughs at his dumb stories, and Percy laughs at the stories he offers in return (mainly just things he sees in public and his general observations of the world).

They stay for another hour at least, and finally, they agree on heading home.

The ride back to Nico's house isn't quiet. The ride back to Nico's house is anything _but_ quiet. Nico doesn't remember ever laughing so hard, doesn't remember ever seeing Percy giggle so much, doesn't ever remember feeling so elated, feeling like he could take on not only the whole damn world, but himself as well.

And Nico gets to see a glimpse of something else. He gets to see a glimpse of a time in which he's happy, in which he's smiling and laughing. He realizes that there are people who live every day like this, and maybe, just maybe, he can live like that too sometime. Maybe not now. Probably _not_ now, but sometime.

(And it's hope. That's the feeling. Hope. Hope hope hope _hope_. It's a new feeling for him. Something he hasn't felt since the night of Bianca's death. Something he hasn't thought about since the only person he ever loved was ripped away from him. And it's so nice, so bittersweet, so necessary and absolutely _needed_.)

And Nico is terrified, but he's excited. Excited for something else, he guesses. So he lets himself laugh. He lets himself breathe and smile and giggle at Percy's dumb jokes, and he's enraptured by Percy himself.

(But love can't fix what happened.)

They're nearing his home.

(Nico wishes it could.)

"We're here," Percy says, smiling brightly at Nico, who blushes in return.

"Yeah," Nico says.

Nico looks at the apartment complex in disdain.

"Hey, Nico?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay? I'm worried about you, you know. It's all over my face, can't you see it?" Percy gestures at his face, and Nico grimaces.

"I'm sorry," he replies. Percy's smile drops a bit. He looks a little startled. Nico suddenly thinks being behind doors in his home is the best option for him now.

(How quickly things turn sour when Nico speaks at all, when Nico lives at all, when Nico exists at all.)

"Don't be sorry," says Percy. "You don't have to be sorry."

It's dark outside, and Nico can't see anybody else. His heartbeats are loud loud loud and Percy is looking straight at him. Nico wants to kiss him, wants to push him away, wants to pull him closer, wants to tell him never to see him again.

"I'm scared what my dad will say when I drop out. He pays for my college, and all my living expenses, like rent and food. I'm scared that if I tell him, he'll cut off the money, and it's not like I have a job," Nico confesses suddenly.

Percy doesn't react in the slightest except for the slight downturn of his eyebrows, a half frown, an almost frown.

"Like... he'd disown you?" Percy finally asks.

Nico grimaces again. "Yeah. Probably. I'm already such a nuisance to him. My only redeeming quality had been the fact that I was going to school. And he's rich. He supported that idea, but I hate school _so much_ **.** "

"You could apply at the café," suggests Percy.

"What?"

"The café? Where I work? We're always willing to hire more people, but we're just never actively looking unless too many people quit or get fired. But nobody ever does so... anyway, you can apply there. I'll even be your reference. That way, if your dad _does_ disown you, you can at least support yourself, right?"

Nico doesn't know what to say.

And he wants to say no, but he also wants to say yes.

"Okay," is what he says.

(So quickly he decided. Fuck.)

Percy brightens. "Really? Awesome. I'll ask about it tomorrow."

Nico still isn't sure he's responding correctly to what's happening.

(Work with... work with Percy?)

"Okay," he says again.

And he's finally opening the car door. He carefully steps out, and Percy is still beaming at him when he glances at him again.

"I had a lot of fun today, Nico. We should do it again. Promise me you will?"

"I promise," Nico says.

And as quickly as he was there, smiling brightly at Nico, Percy was gone, car disappearing in the distance.

Nico stands for a long moment, heart racing so quickly, blood rushing all over, and looking down at the ground, he only thinks of Nico.

(He even forgets about the phone in his pocket.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are neat and so are you ;)


	16. part XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SUCK AT UPDATING BASICALLY DAMN
> 
> this chapter is kind of super sad! sorry about that!
> 
> (Also side note: i kNOW nico's birthday is in january just go with the flow okay~~~)

It's been a week, and Nico hasn't dropped out of college yet. It's been a week, and Nico's life seems to be acting as if nothing bad has ever happened to him. It's been a week, and Nico feels like he's on the verge of a panic attack every damn day.

He hasn't applied for the job at the café yet. Percy slipped the application underneath his door three days after their... meal together, but Nico hasn't done anything with it. He hasn't even filled out his name yet. He hasn't done a damn thing.

(Why can't he just get _better_? Why can't he just be _happy_? Why can't he why can't he why can't he just _exist_ without being so fucking _miserable_?)

He has an appointment with Dr. Jasons today, and Nico can't bring himself to care anymore, he doesn't know if he cares anymore, he doesn't think he wants to care ever again.

When he arrives at his appointment, he doesn't even have to wait in the lobby; he's just waved inside. He smiles thinly at the receptionist as he passes her, and finally, he's back under Dr. Jasons's care.

"Nico!" Dr. Jasons greets, smiling widely. Nico vaguely thinks that he must be in a good mood.

"Hello," he says, sitting down in his usual seat.

"So, what's been going on, Nico?"

Nico considers the question, the words rolling around in his head. Rolling around like a ball. Always something, always rolling.

"I haven't gotten a text from her in a week," he says.

Dr. Jasons nods. "Your sister?"

"Yes."

"Are you taking your medicine?"

"Yes."

Dr. Jasons doesn't say anything after that, and Nico fidgets.

"Aren't you going to say something else?" he asks.

"What would you like me to say? You haven't said anything either."

"I don't know. Ask questions?"

"I just did that, Nico."

"Don't you have any more?"

"Are you offering some?"

Nico pauses. "I... I don't know."

Dr. Jasons doesn't do anything for a few seconds, but finally, he leans forward a bit and asks, "Do you want me to ask something specific, Nico?"

"No."

"Then why is this such a big deal to you?"

"But what about Bianca?" Nico asks.

"What about Bianca?"

"She's dead."

"Yes."

"But she's texting me."

"We've gone over this, Nico."

Nico shakes his head. "No, I... I _know_ that it isn't real, but... but why has she stopped texting?"

"Why do you think?"

"She's dead."

"Then."

"But what about _before_?"

"You didn't know she was dead before," Dr. Jasons answers calmly, pleasantly, logically as if it didn't reach into Nico's chest and rip something out.

Nico swallows. "But... she still texted me right after you told me. She still texted me even after I knew she was dead."

Dr. Jasons considers him for a moment, and finally, after tilting his head, he asks, "Did you?"

Nico doesn't want to say anything. He doesn't even think he could say something. His chest as restricted in ways much too familiar and Nico doesn't want to have a fucking _panic_ attack right now. Not right now. He doesn't ever want to have one again.

He wants Bianca _back_.

He swallows. "I... I don't know," is what he says in the end. Dr. Jasons just nods, a soft smile on his face.

"That's okay, Nico. It's okay if you don't have the answers to everything. Tell me, Nico. Do you think Bianca loved you?"

Nico fidgets a bit at the past tense of "love," and then he opens his mouth to answer answer answer and and and... nothing comes out.

Nico looks down at his hands. He's cold.

"I know she loved you, Nico," is what Dr. Jasons says next, and Nico's head pulls up. _How_ _?_ he wants to ask. _How would you know?_

But he's surprised that he doesn't disagree. He knows knows _knows_ Bianca loved him.

And no matter how much Nico thinks otherwise, he knows deep inside of him, that she loved him.

He just nods.

He wants to stop talking about Bianca. He doesn't want to talk about her anymore. He isn't ready yet. Not yet. Not yet.

"I like a boy," he blurts out.

Dr. Jasons doesn't even blink, but another smile takes over his expression. "Oh?"

Nico nods, pleased to have moved on from Bianca. "He... he doesn't like me though. But I like him. A lot. And... and even if we're just friends forever, I'm still happy he's in my life."

"That's good," the other man says. "Do you see him regularly?"

Nico is horrified at himself for wondering why Dr. Jasons isn't reacting negatively to him liking a boy, for wondering why he even cares, why he didn't say anything about Percy not liking him back.

Nico nods. "Yeah... yeah, I see him sometimes. More than anyone else, I guess."

"When was the last time you saw him?"

Nico finds himself smiling before he can help it. "About a week ago. We, uh, went out to eat together."

Dr. Jasons looks _happy_ for him. "That's wonderful. Did the two of you only eat?"

Nico nods. "Yeah. We went to an Italian place. It was nice. I had fun. I like him a lot."

Nico feels lighter. He feels lighter to be talking about his non-date with Percy instead of talking about his sister being dead.

He doesn't really want to talk anymore though. Not even about Percy. Because he remembers Percy, and then he remembers that conversation he had with him about his sister, and then he remembers his sister, and then he remembers and _remembers._

"Can we be done for today?" he asks. A brief feeling of pride courses through him for asking at all.

Dr. Jasons nods. "Yes, of course. I'll see you next week?"

Nico nods. "Yeah."

Nico stands up, following Dr. Jasons's lead out. "I hope you have a good week, Nico."

"Thanks. You too."

And then he's going back home.

His heart feels heavy heavy heavy.

* * *

His father calls him that night.

Nico doesn't pick up.

* * *

"Hey, Nico!"

Nico looks up from his book and sees Percy bounding over to him. He sits down next to him before he can even greet him back.

"Hey, Percy," he smiles.

"What are you doing?"

Nico blushes at Percy's sincere interest. "I'm reading."

"What are you reading?"

 _Percy's in a good mood today_ , he notes. Nico smiles. He's glad.

"Nothing important."

Percy grabs the book from his hand, and Nico can't even try to protest.

"Edgar Allan Poe? Damn. Morbid, Nico," he laughs. He hands it back to him. "I love him though. I remember first reading him in high school and just going nuts over his work. It takes me a while to read it though. It surprised everyone too. Because I'm not much of a reader."

Nico looks down at the book, stroking the spine with his pointer finger. "I really like his work too. It's... it's really beautiful and dark. And I don't know. It... helps me focus. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry."

Percy doesn't seem annoyed though when Nico looks back up at him though. He's smiling at him. "You're making me want to reread his works, Di Angelo. You're too powerful, dude."

"Powerful?"

"Yeah, like. You make me. Want to. Do things. That sounds _so_ weird."

Nico just stares at him. He wants to ask more. He wants to ask about what exactly Percy means. He wants to ask what he makes Percy want to do. He wants to ask why and how and and and

he doesn't say anything.

"How are you?" Percy asks, trying to fill in the silence, Nico supposes.

Nico nods. "I've been better."

Percy sighs. "Yeah. Same. You know, I was thinking about the promise you made me yesterday. When are we going to do it?"

Nico frowns. "What promise?"

"To hang out again! I had... I had a really fun time on our, uhm, date together so I was just... wondering if you wanted to go out again sometime."

Nico doesn't know what's happening.

"Yeah. Sure. That sounds fun."

Date?

Percy glances down at his watch, and his eyes widen. " _Shit._ I'm going to be late. I need to go, Nico. I'm really sorry. Also, if you still want to apply to the café, you totally should! You got the application, right?"

_Date?_

Nico nods. "I did, yeah. Thanks, Percy."

"Bye, Nico! Text me!"

Nico's gaze turns back to his book after Percy leaves the library and he swallows feelings feelings feelings that threaten to come out and explode into multiple colors in the air and all over his book because because because

_why did Percy call it a date?_

* * *

When Nico gets home that day, he remembers that his birthday is coming up soon. His hands freeze on the doorknob to his apartment.

 _His birthday is soon_.

He opens the door and walks in, setting his backpack on his couch as he makes his way to his room.

_His birthday is soon._

_He'll be one year older than Bianca was when she died._

And Nico feels it again. That overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be alive, not wanting to exist, not wanting to breathe air that Bianca used to breathe and not wanting to be in a world that Bianca used to exist in, and Nico _doesn't want to be alive_.

The moment is an all-existing kind of moment. Nico knows knows knows KNOWS he always feels like this, he always walks around, that deep feeling deep within him whispering and screaming horrors at him. He knows that it's cruel to him. He knows that he's cruel to himself. He knows this. He knows this.

He knows he doesn't want to be alive.

He's just pretending. Always pretending. Just pretending. Pretending to be something he's not and by that not he means somebody who doesn't want to stop existing, somebody that deserves to live, somebody that is okay with being left behind by the only person in the world who he came to love and who loved him back.

He misses her so much. So much so much so much he misses her so much.

Nico wonders where he would be in life if she was still alive. He wonders if he'd be different and how so. He wonders if they'd be living together. He wonders if she would have stuck with her major. He wonders if she would be happy. He wonders and wonders and wonders and fuck, he _misses_ her.

He gets into bed, pulling the covers up and wrapping them tightly around his body. He's crying he's crying he's crying, and he remembers her, he remembers her hugging him when he would cry after his father did horrible things to her or to him, and he remembers crying when his father got rid of his cat, and he remembers crying when his father first pressed that cigarette into his arm, but every time, Bianca was always there, she was always there to hug him, to tell him he matters, to tell him she loves him, to let him sob into her chest for hours and hours and fall asleep with her warm arms around him, but but but but but but but but but

she isn't here anymore.

She'll never be here anymore.

Nico falls asleep.

* * *

Hazel texts him the next day and asks if he wants to hang out with her for Spring Break.

He texts back, "no thank you." He falls asleep right after.

When he wakes up six hours later to take his medicine, he reluctantly looks at her response.

It's just a smiley face and a heart.

He doesn't respond.

And falls back asleep.

He doesn't dream at all.

* * *

It's Sunday and Nico receives another text from Bianca. It's nine in the morning and Nico receives the text. It's nine in the morning. He doesn't even know why he's _awake_.

"Damn," he mutters to absolutely nobody as he stares down at the screen.

 _It isn't real_ , he thinks.

The text disappears before his eyes and it's like it didn't happen at all.

Nico misses her. He misses her so much.

He takes his medicine again, much too early, but he hopes, he hopes so desperately it can just _work_. He hopes so desperately he won't have to deal with this anymore. He knows he should be taking his medicine at night, but he can't help it he can't help it he can't help it.

He fails at going back to sleep and ends up staring at the television screen for four hours before he finally makes a move to eat some crackers.

The television was never even turned on.

The day passes quickly, and he takes two extra pills that night before he goes to bed.

He doesn't care.

Nico just misses Bianca.

Shit.

* * *

He doesn't know what he does on Monday.

* * *

He wakes up to another text from Bianca.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 8:46 am**

**you shouldn't be older than me.**

Nico cries.

Because she's _right_. He _shouldn't_ be older than her. This _shouldn't_ be happening at all. She _shouldn't_ have died. She _shouldn't_ have left him. None of this should have happened to him. Neither one of them deserved any of this, and he _knows_ that. He _knows_ that she deserved to live. He _knows_ that he deserves to be happy.

But he shouldn't be _older_ than her.

He grimaces seeing that she texted him at the exact time he was born.

_No no no no no no no no, she isn't real, Nico. This isn't real. She isn't real. Not real not real not real not real not real not real NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL!_

He wonders if she would have done anything for his birthday.

He wonders what she would have done.

He wonders if Bianca would have liked being twenty.

He wonders shit be shouldn't be worrying about, but he can't _help_ it. This _sucks._

Standing up, he tosses his phone to the side, but as soon as he does, it vibrates on his bed.

He eyes it. He already knows it's her.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 9:29 am**

**you're right**

He frowns. Right about what? Right about them deserving better? Right about her deserving to be alive? Right about her not being real? Right about this shit _sucking_ the soul, the life and _heart_ and blood and _tears_ out of him?

Right about _what_?

**to: unknown number**

**from: nico**

**sent 9:30 am**

**please stop texting me**

He knows knows KNOWS he's being ridiculous. He knows he shouldn't be indulging in his own hallucinations, but he wants her to leave him alone. Why won't she just _leave him alone_?!

His phone vibrates.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 9:30 am**

**why?**

Why _what?!_

He tosses the phone on his bed again and heads to the bathroom.

Nico stares at his reflection in the mirror.

 _It's my birthday today_ , he thinks. _I'm twenty. I'm twenty years old._

Sighing, he quickly pees and washes his hands.

When he gets back to his bed, he collapses on it again, his mind screaming at him to end it end it end it end it and suggesting he should make himself breakfast and asking him if he feels up to spending time with people today.

He closes his eyes.

His phone vibrates again. And again. In fact, he thinks messages have been coming in since he woke up.

 _Don't buy into your own lies_ , he scowls. He grabs his phone.

He has five messages from Bianca, one from Hazel, and another from Jason.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 9:31 am**

**you can't ignore me**

He _wants_ to.

**to: nico**

**from: unknown number**

**received 9:32 am**

**why would you want to?**

**received 9:32 am**

**don't ignore me.**

**received 9:33 am**

**you won't be able to**

**received 9:33 am**

**pathetic birthday to you**

Nico tries so badly to ignore the tears pricking at his eyes.

This isn't _fair_. This isn't _FAIR_.

**to: Nico!**

**from: hazel**

**received 9:36 am**

**happy birthday nico! i can't believe you're 20 WOW! i love you! could i stop by sometime today or tomorrow?**

He doesn't want to see her either day. He doesn't even want to exist anymore.

**to: hazel**

**from: nico**

**sent 9:41 am**

**tomorrow works. thanks**

He ignores the realization that Percy hasn't texted him. _Why would he?_ _It's not like he knows... it's not like he would even care._

**to: Nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**di angelo! happy birthday, man! try and stop by at the café we met at! i want to buy you a coffee or something. get back to me when you can! congrats on 20, old man ;)**

Nico almost smiles.

He almost texts back a "sure," but then he remembers remembers

remembers

what Bianca used to always tell him always tell him always tell him

"I'm not leaving your side"

and what he always said back back back back

"I don't want to leave yours either"

no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO.

**to: Your Grace**

**from: nico**

**sent 9:43 am**

**i'm actually busy today i'm sorry. thank you though.**

Jason texts back almost immediately.

**to: Nico**

**from: Your Grace**

**received 9:44 am**

**no problem, dude! have a great day! :)**

Nico doesn't want to be _alive_. He remembers his father, his fucking father, his father smiling cruelly at him as he leant down and beat beat BEAT BEAT him with Bianca screaming in the background, he remembers the first time his father pressed his cigarrette into Nico's arm, the first time Nico screamed and cried, and the first time Nico was beaten for crying at all.

He remembers his father yelling at him that it was his fault his mother died. It was always Nico's fault. Nobody else's. Just his.

Bianca was there there there always there for him, always there for him, always there for him, and Nico can hardly _breathe_.

He crumples onto his bed, but he doesn't know, doesn't know he does until his eyes are closing, phone tightly gripped in his hand, and he starts to drift off because if he stays awake any longer his mind will destroy him before anything else like his father could.

 _Happy Birthday, Nico_ , he thinks right before he falls asleep.

* * *

Nico is startled awake by the sound of knocking and his doorbell.

He doesn't even let himself think about who it is before pushing himself out of bed and heading toward the door.

He opens it.

Percy Jackson stands on the other side, smiling widely as he holds out a present and a coffee for Nico.

"Happy birthday, Nico!"

Nico blinks. "What?"

Percy frowns, pulling the present back a bit, but sort of forcing Nico to take the coffee. "It's... it's your birthday today, right? I _did_ text you asking you if it was and if I could stop by but you never answered..."

"I was sleeping."

"I figured," Percy smiles. Nico doesn't understand how he looks so good all the time. He doesn't understand why Percy would even care enough to stop by his house to bring him a present _and_ coffee.

Nico pushes away the giddy feeling that threatens to take over him.

"Here's your present, dude," Percy says, holding the bag out for him once again. "And, well, the coffee is your usual. Free of charge, of course."

Nico takes it the bag and grips the coffee a little tighter.

"Can... can I open it?"

Percy snorts. "Nope. You aren't actually allowed to ever open it. This is just a fake present. I came by your house just to give you an empty bag."

Nico realizes he's smiling. "Sarcasm isn't your strongest suit, Percy. Stick to making coffee."

Percy gasps. "The _fuck_ was that, Nico. You been holding out on me?"

Nico is smiling wide at Percy, but he still feels so _sad_.

"Come in," Nico hears himself say. "I'll open it now."

Percy looks pleased after being invited in. "Thanks."

They both head to Nico's couch and Nico suddenly feels very nervous.

And Percy suddenly looks very sheepish.

Nico takes one sip of his coffee (it's a little sweet again) and opens the present.

_Are these..._

"I know it's like. Super fucking lame, but I just figured with how often we'll probably go together, it's probably an investment, you know? Also, not going to lie, the colors they have always look _ridiculous_ on you so I thought that maybe you'd want... something more your style."

_bowling shoes?_

"I don't understand," says Nico.

Percy shifts in his seat. "I mean. I would like to take you out bowling again, you know? I could help you practice more and plus, I just like bowling with you. I understand if you think it's the _lamest_ present. But they're also black and gray bowling shoes That's more your style, right?"

Nico nods. He takes another sip.

Percy nods as well, shifting even more in his seat. Nico is still staring at the shoes.

Percy opens his mouth to say something else, but Nico beats him to it after his third sip. "Thank you, Percy."

And fuck, Nico feels like he's about to start _crying_.

Percy smiles at him, so fucking beautiful.

"Of course, Nico."

" _Thank you_."

And Nico doesn't know why he had to say it again, but he did he did he did he did HE DID.

Percy's grin just gets a bit wider, a bit more beautiful and imperfect, and Nico wants to run his hands through his hair.

He feels sad... he feels so sad about everything, about everything, and he's ignoring the texts on his phone, but right now, he feels good. He likes this. Right now, he's just a boy who just received a thoughtful present from his crush.

He doesn't even think about his phone.

* * *

Percy ends up staying for a few hours. They watch movies together and Percy plans out their next "hang-out" (date?). Percy wants to go _swimming_ , which Nico finds _mortifying_.

Percy eventually has to leave, but he leaves with a large smile on his face and a cheerful, "Seriously, happy birthday, Nico. I'm glad... I'm glad you're in my life."

Nico can't even respond before Percy is blushing slightly and bounding off.

As soon as Percy leaves, Nico's thoughts come back all at once, rushing in on him like a tsunami.

He likes Percy so much.

But that is never enough. Percy is temporary. Just like everything else in his life. Percy is only temporary. Percy won't stick around forever.

Nico thought he had his forever, but that forever ended up being stripped away from him much earlier than what forever meant to them.

It happens quickly, he thinks. He can't remember. He remembers reading the various texts from Bianca, all saying the same shit, all making him feel guilty. He remembers thinking that he's so worthless that he can't even put up a fight against his own mind.

He remembers getting so angry at himself, at the world and his mind and Bianca and his father and that fucking _party_ that he throws his phone hard hard hard against something. It falls somewhere.

He falls somewhere.

And he's standing on a ledge. He's standing on a ledge somewhere. Maybe it's a mountain.

But he grabs his medicine. He grabs his medicine and other medicines and other medicines and other medicines and he's standing on a _ledge_ , right?

How hard is it to fall? Why hasn't he fallen yet?

Why can't he just _fall_?

Nico is standing on a ledge ledge ledge ledge and Nico doesn't remember what happens next.

* * *

He dreams of Hazel finding him, horrified and terrified. He dreams of Hazel finding him, horrified and terrified. He dreams of Hazel holding his lifeless body, horrified and terrified. He dreams of Hazel screaming screaming crying and crying

He dreams of Bianca smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all uphill from here, y'all. I promise!
> 
> If you're still sticking around and reading this, thank you so much for the support.
> 
> IN OTHER FASCINATING NEWS, I PUBLISHED A BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Visit [diannamorales.com](https://diannamorales.com)  
> to buy it!!!
> 
> If you like this story, I do believe you'll like my book, "everything is now." It focuses heavily on depression and my own personal feelings. I started it when I was fifteen. I finished it when I was eighteen. It's basically a look into my own high school experience.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the support as always!
> 
> Much love! xxxx
> 
> -Dianna :)
> 
> here's my [tumblr](http://diannamorales.tumblr.com)  
> here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/dianna_morales)  
> here's my [fanfic tumblr](http://dianna44.tumblr.com)  
> and once again, my [website](https://diannamorales.com)  
> 


	17. part XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I UPDATEDDDDDDDDDDDDD 
> 
> i literally wrote the entirety of this chapter from 2 am-5 am so !!!!!!! nice!!!! and it's LONGER than most!!! like !! it's about 2k longer than my usual average chapter for this story? i ?? have so many other things i need to write in (i signed up for like two yoi events and i dont know why rip me and my writing this weekend bc i have FINALS next week but anyway). 
> 
> i hope you like ittttt. it's sad but also happy :)
> 
> love you all. i'm very sleep deprived right now as im writing this tbh.

Nico blinks.

And then life is blinding.

There isn't anybody else in the room when he wakes up.

And for some reason, that makes him feel lonelier than anything else.

* * *

He doesn't remember overdosing. And he doesn't remember how he was found. They tell him anyway though. They tell him Hazel found him just in the nick of time. "It was a miracle that she found you," they tell him. She's already tried to stop by today, but Nico didn't want to see her. He didn't want to see anybody. Not just yet. Not quite yet.

He felt horrible. He felt terrible and horrible and guilty guilty guilty guilty. How did Hazel react when she found him? How did she react? And even after finding him and keeping him alive, now he doesn't even want to see her. He was guilty guilty guilty.

He couldn't even die right. And he feels like something is missing missing missing.

One of the resident doctors of the hospital came in and asked him a bunch of questions about who he was and what his motivations were behind his overdose, but Nico didn't want to respond, didn't want to say anything, didn't know what he could say without having negative consequences. The doctor asked him if he was already speaking to a therapist or another doctor.

When he says Dr. Jasons's name, no matter how reluctantly, the doctor nods, sighing in relief as the doctor tells him that Nico was currently in NorthRidge Hospital, which is where Dr. Jasons works. The doctor tells him that they'll call Dr. Jasons and that he should be here in a couple of hours.

Nico just nods, not really listening as he focuses on the pain pain pain pain _pain._

Nico's body hurts.

Nico's mind hurts.

Nico _hurts._

* * *

He's awake when Dr. Jasons finally stops by.

"Nico," he greets, coming to sit in the chair by the bed. Nico tries to ignore the obvious tension between them. He wants to not feel bad. But... but he _does._ It doesn't matter that Nico doesn't really think any of his sessions with the other man or the medicine have been helping, he still feels _terrible_ about it all.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," the man says, and it isn't what Nico was expecting at all.

"It wasn't your fault."

"I know."

"Well... then... I'm confused."

"Nico, I can be sorry this happened to you without taking blame. It broke my heart to hear the news, but I do not blame myself."

Nico goes quiet, heart beating loud loud loud loud so damn _loud_. "Do... do you blame me?" He doesn't mean to say it so quietly, so timid and _fearful_ , but he does does does and he thinks that means something important.

But Dr. Jasons doesn't nod his head or confirm his fears. He just looks at him for a few more seconds before sighing sadly and gripping his clipboard.

"No, Nico. I don't blame you either."

Nico's heart keeps beating loud loud loud and it's fucking confusing to think about how his heart could have stopped beating completely if not for Hazel.

(Does he want to be alive?

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Ye—)

"Then who do you blame?"

Dr. Jasons doesn't respond to that. "Who do _you_ blame, Nico? It seems like you want to blame somebody. Do you blame somebody?"

Nico looks down at his hands. Beaten up. Soft. Dirty. Clean. Bitten fingernails that look like they were trimmed.

"I think I blame myself."

"Why do you blame yourself?"

"Well, it's _my_ fault, isn't it? _I'm_ the one who did this to myself. _I'm_ the one who hates myself so much. _I'm_ the one who tried to... take my own life away. _I'm_ the one who struggles with everything I do. _I'm_ the one who can't seem to get over his sister's death. _I'm_ the one who pushes e-everybody away a-and I-I'm the one who—"

Nico doesn't like crying.

Hates it.

Hates feeling powerless, hates how his eyes hurt afterward, hate how pathetic he sounds and feels, hates hates hates hates it because he can't seem to stop doing it, and right now, he hates it just as much as he always has and just like always, he can't seem to stop.

Dr. Jasons doesn't try to comfort or hug him, which he's grateful for. That would've only made him feel more uncomfortable and he's already feeling so uncomfortable he hates crying he hates crying _why can't he stop crying?!_

And it fucking hurts.

It hurts to hear those words spoken aloud. It hurts to hear his voice answer the questions he's been denying for years. It's all his fault it's all his fault it's all his fault and it's his fault he's sad he's so sad it's all his fault it's all his fault it's all his damn fault and _fuck_ , what can he even _do_ about it?!

And he's a fucking _failure_ too. He couldn't even succeed in _dying._ He can't even _die_ properly without making it a big fucking deal and getting everybody involved, making everybody worry. He's so _pathetic. So damn pathetic._

A few minutes later, he looks up to see a tissue box being held out for him. Dr. Jasons isn't smiling, but he isn't frowning. His eyes speak another story though and Nico feels a pang of guilt course through him. He takes the tissue box.

"Thank you. I'm... sorry," he says.

"You don't need to be sorry for crying, Nico. It's perfectly natural."

Nico doesn't respond to that.

"Also... Nico, your sister's death wasn't your fault. What your father did to you wasn't your fault. Your mother's passing wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault. And would you agree that they are the biggest causes of your depression?"

Nico's heart nearly stops.

He shakes his head anyway. "It's still my fault. It doesn't matter that my life sucks. I should have done something. I could have done something. I could have just taken my sister and left my father. I could have told somebody. I could have told the cops what was happening. But I was so selfish... and because of my selfishness, she died. Because of my selfishness, I ended up hurt by my own father and the only person who cared about me and who I cared about died. It's my fault my mother died, no matter how indirectly. I mean my father _hates_ me because I killed her. She died during childbirth and it's because of _me._ It's because of _me_ that my father was cruel to me and my sister."

"Nico, your father has some serious issues of his own, but nothing excuses what he did to you and your sister. That was not your fault."

Nico knows he's right he knows he's right he knows that Dr. Jasons's points are valid, but he doesn't _feel_ it. He _feels_ guilty. He _feels_ so damn sad and guilty and pathetic about it all even though a deep part inside him _knows_ none of this is his fault.

But Nico doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He doesn't want to be proven wrong when his whole being claims he's right, claims he's _guilty_ of ruining his own life like this, _guilty_ of being so sad and useless.

"Your father called me," Dr. Jasons suddenly says and Nico stills immediately.

"What?"

"He called me soon after I got the call from here actually. They had contacted him too. He's worried."

Nico scoffs. "Yeah, probably worried about how it'll _look_ for him."

Dr. Jasons doesn't say anything at first. "Perhaps. Either way, he's willing to pay for every session with any therapist of your choosing. He also expressed willingness to pay for any other medical bills you may need. Now... Nico... there are certain procedures that usually occur after one tries to take their own life."

"Are you going to throw me in a mental hospital?"

Dr. Jasons laughs. "No, not quite. I don't think that's best for you and as your current therapist, I made it so that you won't have to go to a mental institution unless you specifically request it. Do you request for that?"

"No."

Dr. Jasons nods. "I'm glad. I feel like we should focus more on your recovery rather than placing you in a situation where others are trying to recover as well."

"And?"

"Nico, how did you feel when you first woke up? Were you disappointed? Relieved? Guilty? Angry? Scared? How did you feel?"

Nico blinks, trying to think back.

"I felt... lonely."

"And how did you feel after that?"

Nico purses his lips. "I felt... really bad. Really terrible, actually. And I think? I felt confused? And guilty. I... felt really guilty."

"Guilty about what?"

Nico focuses his gaze on the wall behind Dr. Jasons's head. He swallows back a whole world of hurt and confusion and understanding and loneliness. Respond respond respond respond just respond.

"I felt... erm, I felt guilty for hurting my sister, probably. Like... I thought about how she reacted to finding me and then I felt... I felt guilty about not being able to, erm, even kill myself properly."

"And after that?"

Nico doesn't know what he's trying to get at, but he tries to remember anyway.

"I think after that I just... really hurt. It was just really painful."

"Being alive?"

"I mean, yeah, but also it just really hurt physically. My body physically hurt. And I had a really terrible headache when I woke up. It just. Hurt."

Dr. Jasons nods. "Do you want to stay in the hospital? Or would you rather go home?"

"I want to go home. I... I don't really like hospitals that much."

Dr. Jasons nods again. "I figured you'd say that so I already set up your recovery plan."

Nico frowns. "What is it?"

"Hazel will be living with you to keep an eye on you. And your friend Mr. Jackson will visit periodically to keep you company when Hazel is unavailable. Mr. Jackson also told me that you were looking into a job at the café where he works? Does that still interest you?"

"Wait, you spoke to Percy? Also I'm going to be living with _Hazel?_ Doesn't she already live somewhere?"

"Hazel was the one to offer to help. She was very concerned about you, Nico. It's obvious she wants to be there for you, and we both agreed it'd be better that she looks after you. Also, yes, I spoke to Percy. Mr. Jackson stopped by with Hazel your first day here, when you were still under. He was very concerned and like Hazel, he offered to help you. Would you still be interested in the job at the café?"

Nico doesn't know what to say. Percy was here? And he knew Hazel had come, but he figured she came because she just felt bad or something. Nico doesn't know what to say, but he numbly nods in response to him working at the café.

Dr. Jasons continues on, however. "You probably won't start working immediately. I think we both agree you need some time to recover without the stress of a work environment. Also, in about a week and a half, you're scheduled to go to the gym with Percy. I think starting a quick, but consistent exercise regime will be very beneficial to you. Also, Hazel and Percy both offered to help with your diet. The food you consume as well as how much you exercise can help your depression greatly. It's definitely not the solution above all solutions, but it'll help."

Nico thinks the idea of exercising is the worst thing he's ever heard, but exercising _with_ Percy doesn't sound... terrible.

Dr. Jasons nods when Nico doesn't say anything to retaliate. "Also, I will be holding quick thirty-minute sessions with you every day for as long as I see fit, technically, but I think it should only be a month at most. Every Monday and Friday, however, I'll be having the usual hour sessions with you. Are those days agreeable?"

Nico nods, still mute.

"Hazel also offered to drive you back and forth between your therapy sessions and the days she can't do it, Percy offered to help as well."

Nico can't take it anymore.

" _Why_?" he asks.

Dr. Jasons frowns. "Why what?"

"Why would Hazel and Percy want to do so much for me? That's... so much work. So much effort. It's so much so _why_?"

Dr. Jasons quirks an amused smile. "Well, Nico, I definitely cannot speak to them, but I'm pretty certain it's because they care about you deeply. You're always free to ask them directly, of course. You'll be spending quite a bit of time with them."

Nico doesn't _understand._ He doesn't _understand._ But he doesn't try to disagree. He can't try to disagree when he doesn't even fully understand.

Dr. Jasons nods again. "Also, Percy recommended the idea of having weekly events 'out' as he put it. He suggested bowling for the first or second week?"

Nico's mouth goes dry.

"A-and you _approve?_ "

Dr. Jasons looks confused. "Why wouldn't I? From what I've been told and from what I know about you, Percy is a dear friend to you. Would you not want to go out with him to do something weekly? I think it'll be quite beneficial. Of course, it's up to you. All of this is up to you, Nico. However, the alternative in your current state is less... freeing. You aren't required to go out with Percy, however. I simply suggested it because it seemed like a fun activity you could do with a dear friend. I'm not sure if you noticed, Nico, but the thing we're trying to do here for you is to give you a reason to _live_. And to find that reason to live, to exist, you must _live_ rather than isolate yourself in your apartment."

Nico nods, trying not to cry again.

"Oh... and one more thing, Nico. But what about school? Would you like to continue to attend your university or would you want me to speak to your academic advisor and find a solution?"

Nico feels his chest tighten.

"Oh, well, actually, I've kind of decided to drop out of school."

Nico's scared of the response, but it feels nice to feel that weight lift off his shoulders. It was such an important for him to say, to admit, and yet, Dr. Jasons almost looks proud of him.

"If that's what you truly want, Nico, I will, of course, support you in that. Your mental health is more important in this situation. That being said, have you spoken to your father about that? He pays for your schooling, if I'm correct?"

Nico looks down, ashamed. "He does, yes. I haven't told him yet, no. I, uh, wasn't really planning to with... me trying to kill myself and all."

_Fuck, how awkward._

"He was very adamant in paying for your medical bills. I'm sure he won't be thrilled to hear about your decision, but I wouldn't worry about him defunding your medical and living expenses. He's going to great measures to keep you alive, Nico, and I think that says something."

Nico doesn't know how he feels when he hears that.

"I know your father wanted to visit you in the hospital soon. You'll only be here for two more days so maybe you can speak to him then?"

Nico doesn't want to, but he doesn't see how he could really say 'no' without being more difficult than this whole situation already is.

"Okay," he agrees.

Dr. Jasons reminds him to take his medicine, which was brought from home, and Nico says he will.

Right before he leaves, however, Nico suddenly remembers what he's missing.

"Dr. Jasons?"

"Yes, Nico?"

"Do you know where my phone is?"

Dr. Jasons shakes his head. "I don't, Nico, no. I'm sure it's at home. Do you want me to tell Hazel or Percy to bring it?"

Nico thinks about it for a second but eventually shakes his head.

"No, I'm good. Thank you though."

Dr. Jasons smiles one last time before exiting the room.

Nico leans back and considers the people that care about him that are still alive.

_I'm sorry, Bianca._

* * *

Nico falls asleep for a few long hours. When he wakes up, he recalls how Percy's mother is staying in the same hospital right now.

There she is, somebody who wants to continue to live and struggles with just that.

And here he is, somebody who tried to take his own life, despite having 'more to live.'

He wonders what Percy thinks about him.

He wonders what Hazel thinks about him.

He goes back to sleep, pushing the demons away just for a while longer.

Nico dreams of nothing at all.

* * *

When Nico wakes up, it's to the sound of his father entering the room.

Hades enters the room, saying 'thank you' to one of the nurses, and Nico frowns at the sight of him now as opposed to his last memory of him. _A monster_ , he thinks. _A cruel, cruel monster_.

But here he is now. Just a man. Just a man who said 'thank you' to one of the small nurses who led him to the room his fucked-up son lies in rest.

It's a jolting thought, but Nico pushes it away to focus on what the man in front of him will do and say next.

"Nico," is all he says as a greeting.

"Father," he responds.

It's tense for a few seconds longer, and Hades just stands there by the door for a while longer before finally sighing loudly and stalking across the room to sit in the chair Dr. Jasons was sitting in just yesterday.

Nico is surprised to see the tired hunch of his shoulders and the bags under his eyes. He looks angry though. He looks sad as well. Tired and angry and sad.

Just like always.

"So?" his father asks.

"So what?" Nico responds.

His father grunts. "So, what's going to happen with your... problems? What's the plan?"

Nico doesn't want to tell him, but he does anyway, quickly summarizing what Dr. Jasons explained to him yesterday.

"You think it will work?"

Nico shrugs. "I don't know."

His father sighs. "Well, make it work, Nico. We don't want to have to do this again."

Nico tries to lessen the harshness of his scoff. "What do you mean ' _we?'_ You haven't done anything."

Hades frowns. "Look here, boy. I'm paying for all of this. And I'm having to live with the consequences of your little 'problems.' Don't foolishly think that this only affects you."

Nico wants to scream scream SCREAM at him.

He doesn't though.

_Just rip it off like a band-aid._

"I'm dropping out of college."

Hades doesn't seem to understand. "What did you say?"

Nico clears his throat. "I'm dropping out. Out of university. I'm dropping out because I don't like school at all. And I don't even know what I want to do. And I hate it. And it makes me miserable. And I only went to please you, honestly."

Nico watches as Hades eyes fill with rage. Even his posture fills with anger and Nico watches with fearful fascination as his father's whole body stiffens and his hands clench together.

"That's a mistake, boy."

"No, it's not."

"Now, look here, son. Just because you have some problems doesn't mean you aren't capable enough to get through college. You should be grateful you're going to college at all. Do you know how many people want to go to college, but can't because they cannot afford it? I'm paying for _everything_ and this is how you repay me?"

Nico swallows back the scream threatening to come out at any point now.

"I hate it, Father. It makes me miserable and confused and I never liked school anyway. Not that you really noticed that anyway."

"What did you say, boy?! Was this your plan?! To get me angry when I came here to visit you?!"

Nico sighs. "It's never been my goal to make you angry, Dad. Trust me. I've experienced your 'anger' numerous times in my life and I can tell you I didn't enjoy any of it."

Nico was surprised to hear him call Hades 'Dad,' but he's more surprised at his sudden courage to speak out like this.

He's just so damn _tired._

Before Hades can continue to yell at him, however, he keeps speaking.

"I'm _miserable_ , Father. I'm not over Bianca's death at all yet and I know that you hate me... so I went to college. I went to college because I wanted to get away from you, but I wanted to make you proud. I wanted you not to... hate me anymore. But I understand why. I killed Mom. I understand. But I couldn't _help_ it, Father. And I'm angry at you. And... and... being in college was another big reason I wanted to stop existing. I know it's incredibly disappointing to have a son like me, but I'm trying to look out for myself here. Because I think I want to."

Hades is speechless for a minute and Nico just sighs. He's so fucking _exhausted_.

Finally, Hades straightens up and clears his throat. "Fine. Pay for yourself then."

Nico nods miserably, expecting this.

"I... I will pay for any dropout fees. I will continue to pay your medical bills. And I will... pay for another year's worth of rent for your apartment. But after that, you pay for yourself, Nico."

Nico is stunned into silence.

He wasn't expecting _that_.

Hades looks irritated. "Is that understood, boy?"

"Yes, Father," he finally responds. Nico's throat is dry and he can hear each _thump-thump-thump_ of his heartbeat.

Hades stands up, nodding. He still looks angry, but Nico can still see the sad exhaustion in his posture. It's an interesting perspective of his father. He hadn't seen the man in almost three years.

The man walks to the door and just as Nico is about to sigh a breath of relief, Hades pauses. He doesn't turn around.

"I miss her too, Nico. I miss your sister. And I miss your mother. I also don't appreciate being told by my son how I feel about him. Especially when it's inaccurate... goodbye, Nico."

He leaves swiftly after that.

Nico brings his hand up to wipe away the tears that already started to fall.

 _Fuck_.

* * *

He stays in the hospital until around midday the next day and finally, he's been released.

Hazel is there to pick him up.

She hugs him before he can even open his mouth.

"I'm so glad you're alive," she says through tears as she holds him even tighter.

He hugs her back, pressing his face into her hair.

She smells good.

They don't say anything else as they make their way to his apartment.

For that first night, she just hovers around him and smiles at him every time he looks at her, questioning why she would want to be there.

There's the unspoken "we'll talk about it tomorrow" in the air.

Right before going to sleep, he realizes he still doesn't have his phone and looks around for it.

After ten minutes of searching, he can't find it anywhere.

Maybe that's for the better.

* * *

The next day, he wakes to bacon in the air, and he's hit with the memory of that morning Percy made him breakfast. He blushes in the dark of his room at the memory, but eventually, he sits up.

He's still here. Alive. And someone, most obviously Hazel, is making him breakfast in the kitchen he never used before.

He quickly gets dressed and makes his way to the kitchen to see Hazel making eggs and bacon. There's also a container of orange juice on the counter and Nico blinks at the sight.

He hasn't had orange juice since he was in high school. Since... Bianca.

_No, not now. Not right now._

Hazel turns when he coughs lightly in his shoulder and she beams at him.

"Morning!" she exclaims.

He ducks his head, sitting down at the table. "Hi, Hazel."

She turns back to her cooking, which she's almost done with. "I made some eggs and bacon! Really simple breakfast, I know, but I tried, okay?"

Nico smiles at that. "No, it's okay. I didn't really eat breakfast... before."

She ignores the implication of that and simply says, "Well, not anymore! It's my new goal to make a different breakfast for you each day of the upcoming weeks." She turns to grin at him. "You ready, di Angelo?"

He just nods. She takes it.

A few minutes later, a plate of food is being put down in front of him and Nico is shocked to feel such strong emotions trying to come out just from Hazel making him breakfast.

Hazel sits down across from him with a plate of food as well. She sets down a glass of orange juice for each of them.

They eat in silence for a bit besides Hazel asking nervously, "Is it good?" and Nico replying, "It really is."

And then finally,

the dam breaks.

Nico doesn't know if he started crying earlier or just now, but he cries as he admits to feeling guilty, admits to feeling sorry, admits to feeling terrible about hurting her and for feeling terrible that she had to find him like that.

Hazel cries too, reaching out to grab at his hands and squeezing them tightly.

"I love you, Nico. I really really do and nothing makes me sadder to see how lonely you have been. I should... I should have tried to reach out more. I just. I wanted to give you space, and I'm so sorry for doing that, Nico. I have always been here for you, but now I'm going to prove it."

Nico hates that she feels so guilty. Nico hates to hear her feel like this is her fault, but he's crying too hard to say otherwise.

Eventually, she stands up and comes around to hug him, and _fuck_ , being hugged like this, being hugged like he's somebody that _matters_ to somebody else is the most heartbreaking and heartbreaking thing he could feel at once.

She holds him tightly and she still smells so good and she's soft and warm and comforting and he feels _loved_ when being hugged by her and he hasn't felt like this in _years years years years YEARS_ he hasn't felt loved like this in years.

It's been years since somebody even really tried to seriously take care of him.

But Hazel is _right_ here and right here with _him_ to take _care_ of him... at least for a little while. And he wants to feel pathetic for wanting somebody to take care of him, but... but he's been alone for far too long, it feels like, and he just... he just... he just missed having somebody that _cared_ about him.

 _How fucked up how fucked up how fucked up is this entire situation_? he wants to scream scream scream humorously to the sky, the clouds, the moon.

"W-why do you c-care so much?" he chokes out, pulling her tighter to him. Her hand is in his hair, stroking him. Bianca would stroke his hair like this after his father used to be crueler than most to him. Bianca would do this when he felt sad or lonely or lost.

But Bianca was dead.

But

but but but

but but but but but but but but but but but but

Hazel cared about him too, right?

Almost as if she read his mind, he answers both the question he asked aloud and the question he was crying in his thoughts.

"I love you, Nico. You're my family and you have been in a terrible situation for the majority of your life. And I love you. I care about you. I care about you. I _care_ about _you,_ and I'm so sorry I didn't make that more clear earlier. I thought you wanted _space_. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't make that mistake again. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm so—"

He's laughing all of a sudden. This entire time. This entire time. This entire time there has been someone who loves him, somebody that cares about him, someone who was willing to put a hold on their own life to help his own.

He knows it probably sounds pathetic, but it was the best feeling in the entire world.

He holds her tighter and they cry together.

* * *

A few hours later, they've stopped crying and they, having talked for hours now, finally come to understand more about each other than they ever thought possible.

They're on the couch, still talking when Nico finally admits, "I nearly started crying when I heard from Dr. Jasons about what you were willing to do for me. It... it was really touching, I wasn't expecting it."

Hazel smiles softly.

"I was pretty distraught when I found out, honestly. Don't let my big smiles fool you, you made me cry a _lot_ , you fucker. Also, poor Percy. I've never seen him so upset."

Nico stilled at the mention of Percy.

"He was upset?"

Hazel looked at him incredulously.

"Uhm _YEAH?_ Percy was there with me when I found out. Did Dr. Jasons not tell you?"

"Wait, _what?_ "

Hazel looks shocked to hear that Nico didn't know this. " _Yeah?!_ I ran into Percy when I came to see you for your birthday. He was actually walking back to your apartment and when I asked him why, he said he had something he should have done, but didn't. It was very cryptic, but I figured we'd just walk together. And that's how we found you. We _both_ found you, Nico. You left your door open and when you didn't open it after a while, Percy opened the door and then we _found_ you and _fuck_ , Nico, it was _terrifying._ And if it wasn't for Percy, I don't even know if you would have been alive. And since you live so close to the hospital, Percy basically hoisted you on top of his shoulder and rushed you out to his car. He told me on the way he knew it would be faster than calling an ambulance. He told me what to do with you and everything, it was _crazy_."

Nico doesn't know what the fuck he could even say. Why didn't he _know_ this?

Hazel keeps talking.

"He literally saved your life, Nico. You really didn't know?! Like it was _crazy_ to watch too because he acted _so_ quickly. We were barely in your apartment for a minute before he was rushing you out and to the car. And he didn't start crying until you were in the hands of the doctors. It was honestly really sad to watch. We basically cried into each other's arms for a bit. It was a bonding moment between me and your boyfriend, haha."

Nico stills at the term 'boyfriend.'

"We aren't dating!"

Hazel laughs. "I know you aren't! It was just a joke. I'm sorry. I'm just... surprised you didn't know. I don't really know what else to say. I don't know why they wouldn't tell you all of that. What _did_ they tell you?"

Nico feels numb when he responds. "That you were the one to find me and then you called 911 and an ambulance came and picked me up basically," he says blankly.

She shakes her head. "That's not what happened at _all._ That's so weird though... why would they say otherwise, then?"

Nico doesn't understand what's going on.

"I don't know," he says.

Why did Percy _cry_ so much for him?

But more importantly, why didn't anybody _tell_ him about this.

Even Dr. Jasons said otherwise.

And as if the world heard his confusion, there's knocking on the door, and when Nico gets up and opens it, Percy Jackson himself is standing there, with that crooked smile gracing his annoyingly-pretty face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER, I KNOW, RIGHT  
> (re: im SLEEP deprived !!!! it's literally 5 am!!!)
> 
> anyway im so excited to write the upcoming chapters!!! i have so much planned omg y'all aren't even ready and i bet yall are excited for things to actually be EXPLAINED, right?! that's always nice. 
> 
> also nico's dad is such a dick uGHH. literally this story is based off my own life in a lot of ways though so i write a lot of this from personal experience. the whole situation with the rehabilitation plan is based on personal experience after one of my suicide attempts. 
> 
> stay alive, my lovelies!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you ever need to talk more about that, feel free to message me on any of my social medias listed below. 
> 
> ALSO ALSO i published a book of poems!!!!! i wrote it for my grandparents for this year's christmas! :)
> 
> you can find out more at my website [here](http://www.diannamorales.com)  
> you can buy the direct book [here](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1981261974/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1512609972&sr=8-2&keywords=dianna+morales)  
> also, i had published another book a few months ago which talks heavily about depression and is very much similar to this writing style of this story. if you're interested, check out that same website. I'm also having a holiday sale soon for that book! I'll be marking it down to $8.50 (opposed to the usual $10.50) until the end of December soon so stay on the lookout for that and get it while it's hot! :) <3  
> you can buy that book ("everything is now") [here](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075ZC71W4)  
> ANYWAY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! thank you for supporting me thus far. it truly means so much. 
> 
> come rant to me on tumblr [here](http://www.diannamorales.tumblr.com)  
> here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/dianna_morales)  
> here's my fanfic [tumblr](https://dianna44.tumblr.com)  
> :))) i love comments of course, but I love you MORE. xxxx
> 
> all the love,  
> dianna :)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comments and kudos are much appreciated! love you all! :)
> 
> -DiAnna44


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